When things look like they can't be fixed, doesn't mean they're broken
by iceiceiceiceice
Summary: Meredith leaves Seattle after being fired for messing up Derek's Alzheimer trial. After she has completed her residency their paths cross again. What is going to happen when Derek discovers that Meredith is working at the hospital he transfered to?
1. Chapter 1

_In trauma, we're concerned with one overriding question. How did this happen? What was the mechanism of injury? How do we see past the mess and confusion of trauma to figure out what the damage actually is? Infinite possibilities put the patient on the table in front of you. Now you have to figure out, will they live? Will you be able to save them or are they a lost cause?_

* * *

Meredith sat in her apartment. It was still rather empty and dusty. She had been living in Boston for more than 18 months now, but had little to no ambition to make the place homier. She needed to start to clean more once Ellis would start to walk, but that was still a few months away and she had never felt like this apartment would ever become a home to her. Concrete walls and a couch in the middle of the living room would be as homey as she could imagined it to be.

After she had left Seattle everything had changed. Derek had never bothered to find out where she had gone. She had messed up his trial and his reputation and they had lost Zola along the way. He even got her fired. Seattle- the place felt like it was on a different planet. She had left – vanished, she hadn't talked to Lexie ever since she had left, she hadn't talked to Cristina and nobody knew her secret. Nobody knew where she was, she had left after leaving a note. 'I'm fine, don't go looking for me'.

Shortly after she had left, she had found out that she was pregnant. The hostile uterus had put her in a situation from hell. Her husband had signed the divorce papers without ever knowing about their child – a child he had joint custody for according to the paper he had signed. Her name was Ellis and she looked like Derek. The piercing blue eyes and the smile reminded her of him every day.

She had tried to pick up the pieces, but it was harder than she had ever imagined it to be. She understood her mother now. Ellis had been a force of nature that had been crushed after the love of her life had left her. They had taken the plane to Boston and Ellis had never looked back. Ellis had found the she was pregnant the day before they had left, she had given up her child for adoption. Meredith hadn't. She was holding on to that baby and she was living with her sister now -her other sister- but still everything felt so incomplete.

She had completed her residency, she was a general surgeon -like her mother had been. She had passed her boards even though things had been hard. Boston felt like a safe harbour, but she was holding an offer that was more than tempting. John Hopkins had offered her a transplant fellowship and was guaranteeing that they'd fund her Islet Cell. In her heart she knew what to do.

She looked at Ellis and closed her eyes. Sometimes she caught herself wanting to hold his hand. For the longest time she had tried to be alright, but she had seen him and the all she had been able to think about was his fingers sink into the spaces, brushing against each line in his plane, but she was alone."Today has been okay" Meredith smiled. Two month go she had been sitting in a hotel room in San Francisco, but right now she was waiting for Ellis to wake up. Life was a lot slower now, Maggie was taking care of the groceries and being a fellow had its perks. She was working lighter hours. "You look just like your dad when he's sleeping. I accused him of being weird because he used to stay up and watch me sleep and now I'm doing the very same thing because you are just too cute when you sleep." She knew she would see him soon. It was inevitable. Dr. Springer had gotten the call and so had Derek.

'You reached the mailbox of Derek leave me message'. She sighed. They could be happy now -in another life. He would come in, tell her about his last surgery, kiss her and Ellis on the forehead and sit down next to her. In another life they would have gotten a lifetime together, but not in this one. She was in Boston and he was in Seattle. She was stuck in a dilemma that seemed to have ruined her mother's life. Richard had been the love of Ellis' life - her soul mate- her one true love. Scared by the betrayal she had raised her in the belief that love did not exist; that commitment wasn't worth the effort and Meredith had never experienced love before she had meet him. But that was gone -and she had a responsibility to Ellis to put the puzzle pieces of her life back together. She sat down next to her sleeping infant daughter and watched her breathe.

She hit the redial button.'You reached the mailbox of Derek Shepherd'. "Damn it! Where are you?" she mumbled. She held her breath for a second. What was she going to tell him anyway? 'Hey, thanks for serving me with divorce papers. But guess what, funny thing is, you knocked me up before I left?' That wasn't the kind of conversation she wanted to have over the phone, but there was this little bundle of joy that deserved a father. Meredith knew that. Mark's visit had reminded her of that.  
"I'll see him next week. We are going to this big award ceremony. Your grandma won the award twice. Only the best surgeons in America do - your daddy is nominated. He's a very good surgeon."

* * *

So... I decided to update this and change the first few chapters a little bit


	2. Chapter 2

**Boston 18 months earlier…**

Running away was easy. She had left in a hurry after Jackson had helped her get a new job at . He had assured her that her secret would be safe with him. But there was a secret that she had just uncovered herself.

 _„_ _No, total accident"  
„So are we happy about this or are we exercising our legal right to choose?"_

It had turned blue about twenty minutes ago. Meredith was holding a pregnancy test in her hands. This couldn't be right. Her hands were shaking. She had a hostile uterus and they had tried everything - she had almost gone blind. Tears ran down her face. The day she had held a test like this had been the most horrible day of her life. Gary Clarke had shot several people and she had seen her husband die. The heart monitor had started to beep and she had looked at the line go flat and one minutes later she had felt blood running down her thighs. Now she sat on the toilet of her empty apartment wishing it was that day again. She had gotten Derek back -right now it felt like he was gone -gone forever.

 _„_ _I was pregnant that day. I was pregnant and I lost it"_

She finally put the test into the bin next to her toilet and brushed her teeth. It was her first day of work and she wasn't going to be late – not like in Seattle. At least she hadn't slept with her boss prior to working at the hospital this time which was an improvement over last time. Had they found the note yet she wondered?

* * *

 **Seattle – the present day**

"Do you ever think about what happened to her?" Lexie looked at Mark and put down the pregnancy test she had just taken. She kissed his temple and sat down next to him "She's my sister, I really wanna tell her, but she just vanished. She's going to be an aunt and…"

"We are having a baby" Mark smiled "Sofia will be the best big sister he could dream off.".

"How do you know it's a he? Besides, I'm the best older sister anyone could dream of" Lexie wondered. "I have to go, Derek wants me to do a shunt insertion. It's going to be my first solo neuro surgery. Isn't that amazing?"

"You are amazing, Dear." Mark said.

"Do I tell him?" Lexie wondered."He's been acting weird ever since the ceremony"

"Why wouldn't you?" Mark wondered „Zola is going to have a cousin. Isn't that something worth mentioning? Or are you embarrassed it's my baby?"

* * *

 **Boston 18 months earlier…**

"Oh my God" the resident next to her stuttered. "Grey? As in Ellis Grey? As in the Ellis Grey? I can't believe I get to work with her daughter. It's such a pleasure. She's such a role model for any surgeon. I mean she won the Harper Avery twice." Upon singing praise on her mother's achievements the chubby brown haired Caucasian guy got paged and excused himself. Meredith looked around the resident locker room when she was interrupted by a voice. "Seems like you have a fan already." A woman noted "I'm Dr. Pierce, a cardio thoracic fellow. You are with me today." She was young- very young in fact. Meredith looked at her.  
"If you think I'm young – you are not mistaken, but do not mistake me for being weak. When I page you, I want you to show up, when I leave a patient in your care, I want you to take care of him. Understood?"

"Yeah" Meredith nodded "Not killing patients." For a minute she thought whether it had been a good idea to accept the opening in Boston, but here she was – as pregnant as her mom and as lonely.

* * *

 **Seattle – the present day**

"What are you doing?" Mark wondered when he walked into Derek's house. He had sold the land in the woods shortly after Meredith had left and was now living in midtown Seattle. As he walked in he noticed that Derek was sitting at Zola's play table wearing a princess crown drinking tea.

"What can I say? If the only lady in my life asks me to have tea with her, I do." He said. "What are you doing here?"

"Can't your best friend come over every once in a while to check on you?" Mark said. Checking on his best friend was something he had done very frequently in the past 18 months. "We haven't been out in ages because you burry yourself in cases that nobody else even wants to get near to. You should spend more time outside of that OR again. You haven't been out much since the divorce. You should get out -one of the nurses has been asking if you were interested"

"I don't want to go out, Mark" Derek said "I just feel like Seattle doesn't feel right for me anymore."  
"Well, at least you get to go to Boston for the Harper Avery ceremony next week" Mark smiled "and you will see her"

* * *

 **Boston 18 months earlier…**

First patient and it already started to get tricky. If the test earlier this morning had been correct, she wasn't supposed to be in her while they were doing "I can't be in here without a lead wrap." Meredith said. She knew she had to protect that baby. While Derek might have left, this baby was theirs and it was worth protecting.

"What do you mean?" Dr. Pierce wondered.

"I can't be in here while we do this." Meredith repeated and looked at one of the nurses. The red haired nurse in her 40s understood and looked at Dr. Pierce and pointed at Meredith's flat stomach with her eyes.

"Are you saying you are…?" Maggie wondered without saying the word.

"I might…" Meredith said. It was her first day of work and she had to admit that she was the pregnant resident.

"Get out now" Maggie said harsh. Meredith eyes filled with tears as she walked out the door, but she heard that Dr. Pierce added "and come back in once we are finished with the scan."

* * *

 **Seattle present day**

Derek looked at his phone. Two missed calls from a blocked number. "Meredith will be there." Derek looked at the invitation. He was asked to fill a table and it was a little harder than he had expected it to be. He would ask his mother, Mark and the resident who had supervised the pretrial stage. At least Callie had volunteered to look after Zola, so that was one concern less. But there were two other seats at his table and he was once again reminded of how lonely he really was. If he had received news like this a year ago, he would have gone home with a bottle of bubbly and they would have celebrated. She would have sat next to him at the ceremony and she would look into his eyes while he thanked everyone - at least that's what he pictured it to be like.

"That's to be expected. She worked on a project that got a nomination. They might have cured diabetes. Pretty cool." Mark noticed the look on Derek's face "What are you afraid of?" Mark wondered. After their brief encounter in Boston he knew that she was in a good place - at least that was what she had made him believe.

Derek thought about the prom. Their eyes met on the dancefloor and they forgot the people they were dancing with. He didn't want to love her back then, he was forced to. It had felt like a gravital force had pulled them to another. It had been magic. "Her eyes don't light up when she hears my name anymore. She doesn't get chills when I walk by and her heart doesn't race when I smile at her." Derek said "I'm afraid that I'll feel like I'm drowning when I look at her."

"Right." Mark nodded. Twelve months out and Derek was still hanging on to the thought of a happily ever after. "You won't get to her like you used to. You're just a bad memory in the back of her mind." Mark told him. "So, don't be surprised next time you make your way past her, she doesn't even glance your way. You divorced her. Remember? You told her to leave."

"So you are trying to tell me that I shouldn't bother talking to her at the ceremony?" Derek looked at his friend. "That she's over fighting the same losing battle? How do you know?"

Mark had not told Derek about whom he had met in Boston. He couldn't know anything about the father of Meredith's baby, but from looking at her he figured that she was happy in Boston. "Derek, the saddest part is, you have no one to blame but yourself. You could have picked up the phone and called her. When she screwed up, you didn't even give her the benefit of a doubt"

"I gave her every chance you could ask for."

"Not when it mattered. You told her to leave and…" Mark paused. He could have thrown everything at him, but chose to honor the promise he had given to Meredith.

"She fucked up every time. She shouldn't have tampered with my trial." Derek tried to pick a fight, but Mark was calm enough to resist.

"You wouldn't be here if she hadn't. In my mind she walks around with nothing but a smile on her face, and she laughs louder than ever before." Mark told him. "She's not dark and twisty anymore. She found someone to love. Don't ruin that for her."

* * *

 _"Every part of a trauma tells a different piece of the story and until you look at each and every injury, you can't see what went wrong. We talk about the mechanism of injury, about where it all started, but the truth is, it's sort of a myth. We can't boil every injury down to one single blow. What hurts us is cumulative. It happens over time. We absorb blow after blow, shock after shock, painful hit after hit. But even then, even if we know exactly how we got here, it doesn't mean we can fix it. We can't heal every wound and that's okay. I have to believe it's okay. I have to believe that even if something seems like it cannot be fixed, it doesn't mean it's broken."_


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3  
 **What are you going to do when you are left out in the cold?**

Boston 18 months ago…

Meredith went to the gallery and looked at Maggie. Boston… full circle. Her mother had fled to Boston when her life had been in ruins and so had she. Two stripes, 'pregnant', blue… every single pregnancy test had indicated that she was pregnant and it was like everything Derek and she had ever shared… it was horrible timing and she didn't even know how she was supposed to continue. _'Let's play a game of whose life sucks the most. I'll win. I always win._ ' Her words echoed in her mind. Her mother started to lecture her in her head 'I raised you to be an extraordinary human being, so imagine my disappointment when I wake up after five years and discover that you are no more than... ordinary! What happened to you?!'. Her phone started ringing again. She never answered. Cristina, Lexie, Mark, Alex and Richard Webber. She wanted to talk to neither one of them.  
Maggie walked into the gallery "The scans are ready- we can have a look at them. I need to know what you know."

Seattle the present day

Mark and Derek were sitting in Derek's living room. "Baltimore?" Mark wondered "Do you want to get shot?"  
"John Hopkins isn't 'The Wire'" Derek sighed. "It's an amazing offer. I'd be Chief of Surgery."  
"You hated being Chief of Surgery the last time around" Mark reminded him.  
"That was different though" Derek smiled softly. It was true. It had been a different time. Mark nodded. He knew that he hardly talked about her since she had signed the divorce papers. Derek had been focused on his research ever since she had left. One trial after another, one medical breakthrough after another. He worked hard and when he went home, he was dedicated to his daughter.  
"Lexie is pregnant" Mark smiled softly. "I thought you should be the first to know"  
"That's amazing" Derek hugged him. "You'll be a great dad."  
"Are you going to accept the offer?" Mark wondered.  
"I'm thinking about it. Maybe a change of air wouldn't be too bad" Derek admitted "I still see her in the hospital -you know. It's like she never left. I smelled her lavender conditioner in the scrub room the other night – at least I thought I did – and I don't want to do that anymore."

Boston 18 months ago…

Meredith sat down for lunch. She was alone. It'd be something, she'd be quite a lot. She was looking at her salad which appeared oddly disgusting to her. While she dissected it with her fork, Maggie sat down next to her.  
"I hope you don't mind" the fellow smiled "I'm usually alone when I eat."  
"No, feel free to sit anywhere you want" Meredith sighed.  
"You are Ellis Grey's daughter" Maggie tried to start a conversation. "At least that's what everyone is saying"  
"I… yeah that's right, but I never really like being her daughter "Meredith smiled politely "and there's always been this hype surrounding me… 'Oh Meredith', 'Oh the child of Ellis'"  
"What was she like?" Maggie wondered.  
"She wasn't really ready to be a mom and I was the daughter she didn't want." Meredith sighed. "She worked here. We moved here when I was six, the summer before I started first grade. Everyone sees her as Ellis Grey the great general surgeon, but I never saw that side of her."  
"That must have been hard" Maggie nodded. Her sister was sitting right next to her and there was no way she could tell her.

Seattle the present day

"Derek, what can I do for you?" Owen wondered when Derek walked into his office. It was a rare occasion for Derek to make an appearance outside the lab or the OR these days.  
"I will leave when my contract is up. I just wanted to tell you" he stated "John Hopkins made a very good offer. I'd like to take it"  
Owen nodded. Derek was taking the step he had wanted to make. The divorce had changed the way he looked at the hospital. He saw Cristina around every corner and knew how Derek felt. "Change of air?" Owen wondered.  
"Yeah" Derek nodded. "I guess it's time to move on. I want to work in a place where I don't see her walking into the scrub room after a long surgery even though she isn't there."  
"I still hear her voice" Owen sighed. "I'll have to start looking for a new head of neurosurgery. How's Zola?"  
"Zola is fine" Derek smiled "We re-enacted the Harper-Avery award ceremony because she couldn't be there. She would have liked Boston"  
"That's sweet, actually" Owen smiled "It'll be hard to replace you"  
"I have a sister" Derek winked "She's a neuro surgeon. You'd like her."  
"I'll consider her in my selection" Owen nodded.

Boston 18 months ago…

"Have you ever scrubbed in on a paediatric heart transplant?" Maggie wondered. Meredith's shift was over, but this sounded tempting "The heart is going to arrive in four hours"  
"Sure" Meredith nodded. She was surprised that someone was so friendly. In Seattle they would have fought over this surgery and she was certain that an opportunity like that wasn't as easy to come by here either. "You are not making this offer because I'm Ellis Grey's daughter, are you?" Meredith wondered.  
"No" Maggie lied. She wanted to get to know her sister and she needed a resident. "Like I said, I just want to find out what you already know"  
"I've never been on cardio for too long" Meredith said "I thought I wanted to specialise in neuro for quite some time, actually"  
"Neuro?" Maggie looked surprised "I wouldn't have thought that Ellis Grey's daughter would want to be a neuro surgeon"  
"Oh, my mom would have hated that" Meredith laughed "She always thought that I should be a cardio surgeon… well, that was before she begged me not to attend med school."  
"I'm almost glad I'm adopted now" Maggie sighed. "I'll see you in OR12."


	4. Chapter 4

Thank you for all of your reviews, follows and favs! I love it!

Chapter 4  
What happens when you feel alone in a room full of people?

Boston present day  
It had been a long day and an even longer night. The fellowship was an unique opportunity to research use of emergency medicine techniques in oncology, but it was hard to juggle motherhood, research and surgery. The key slipped into the lock and Meredith opened her apartment door. Three at night and she knew she probably wouldn't get to sleep soon. Maggie had called her that Ellis was running a fever.  
"Ugh, what's that?" Meredith wondered. Maggie and Ellis were cuddled up on the sofa, but the living room looked like a huge mess. Meredith looked at a magazine cover with Derek's face. It was the issue that had been published after the malignant glioma trial. She hadn't looked at anything from that box since she arrived.  
When she walked into the room Maggie looked up. "She just fell asleep. I went through one of your boxes" Maggie admitted. "I didn't know it was that box"  
"I figured as much" Meredith nodded "I was working on that trial" This was an understatement. She had invented the method.  
"You want to tell me you kept this because of the trial?" Maggie knew that it wasn't the reason Meredith kept it. She had avoided any recent article about him like plague, so this memory must have been special.  
"Yes"  
"Okay"  
"Don't give me the look, I know the look" Meredith insisted. "She's sleeping?"  
"He was your husband" Maggie nodded. "I understand" 'How could she though?' Meredith wondered to herself. Her relationship with Dean had crashed and burned and one night she had knocked on her door and asked to stay the night. She hadn't left since. She had taken over and now she was living in a house with her half-sister.  
"I'm tired" Meredith mumbled "I've been in the OR for 13 hours straight"  
"Ellis is running a fever, I checked her temperature every 20 minutes" Maggie looked at her sister.  
Meredith nodded. Being a mom was more exhausting than she had imagined, but the whole pregnancy had been exhausting. "She's teething. I'll take over, you can go to bed"

Seattle 19 months ago  
Cristina stormed into the attendings lounge and yelled "What have you done to her?"  
Heads turned and everyone was looking at her. "To whom?" Derek asked. He figured she was talking about Meredith, but he hadn't done much since she had been suspended. He was not able to do anything because it'd be something he'd hate himself for. Cristina was about to punch Derek, but Mark held her back. "Relax, Yang. Whom are you talking about?"  
"Meredith" Cristina clarified "I find it hard to believe that you weren't the one that made her do this"  
"Made her do what?" he wondered. There were ample possibilities.  
"Leave". One word – very powerful. 'No one walks out'  
"Meredith has vanished" Cristina clarified "OH, well, she left a note, 'I left, don't go looking for me'… so just tell me what you did?"  
"I went to get my stuff last night" he said. She was there when I left.  
"You just walked out on her?" Cristina wondered "What happened to all this post-it crap"  
"They took Zola because of her and she basically destroyed my career" Derek yelled "Now get out of here. I'm not the bad guy here. I just had to… I… get out of here Cristina."  
Mark asked everyone to leave and asked Derek to sit down. "Are you okay, Shep?"  
Derek shook his head. "I just feel like I walked in on Addison and you except this time it's a thousand times worse. Meredith left." Derek sighed "Cristina said she cleaned out her room and left a note. She walked out. She just walked out on us."  
"To be fair buddy, you told her to 'Get the hell out of here' when she tried to talk to you last night." Mark sat down next to him.  
"I did." Derek nodded. "She was folding Zola's clothes and put them into a box. I just flipped. I didn't expect, she would. Meredith never does what you tell her to do."  
"Well, sometimes people do what you ask them too." Mark sighed "and sometimes it's just life."

Boston present day  
"Do you know that you are everything I ever wanted to be?" Maggie looked at Meredith while she grabbed another piece of pizza from the carton on the living room moving box. Meredith was cradling Ellis on her breast and read the flash cards she had written.  
"You wanted to be a single mom with a stressful job who hasn't slept in a week?" Meredith mumbled while she tried to swallow the pieces of pizza in her mouth and turn one of the cards at the same time.  
"No, you are successful" Maggie insisted. "You might even win a Harper Avery"  
"I'm not nominated, Dr. XXX is." Meredith corrected her sister "and you have been the youngest department head in the history of this hospital - so by comparison you are way more successful than I am -and you are not a single mom with a MIA baby daddy who might be very IA very soon"  
"Is it called IA?" Maggie wondered.  
"I don't know" Meredith admitted.  
"So, what are you feeling about seeing Derek again?" Maggie wondered "It must be hard."  
"I don't want to talk about it" Meredith lifted up Ellis and started to carry her to her crip.  
"You should" Maggie said "I talked about Dean a lot. It helped."  
"I remember" Meredith rolled her eyes. In fact she had talked about him every day since she had moved in.  
Meredith put down Ellis and returned to the living room. Nobody said anything for a while. The two sisters sat next to each other and ate pizza.  
"I need someone to come to the ceremony with me. They asked us to pick a person. Can you be my person?" Meredith wondered  
"Sure"  
Meredith smiled. At least she wouldn't be there all on her own. She had not figured out what she was going to do with Ellis, but the hospital daycare wasn't too far away from the venue, so it might be a sensible option.

Seattle 17 months ago  
Two months had passed since the day she had left. Derek was still counting them even though Mark had told him to stop doing it multiple times. 67 days and 5 hours since he had found out and nobody knew where she had gone. "She's not a rogue agent, she shouldn't be this hard to find" Lexie ranted while observing him during a craniotomy.  
He sighed "I won't go looking for her. She asked not to be found."  
Lexie nodded. She knew that Mark had tried to talk to him about it, but he had been just as unsuccessful as she was. Meredith had not answered anyone's calls since she had vanished and she was starting to miss her. "How's the adoption thing going?"  
"They told me I need to divorce her last night" Derek sighed "and… it kills me!" This wasn't what he had imagined his life to be like. 'Why is the universe so screwed up?' he remembered her words.  
"Meredith left. I think she made her choice" Lexie was about to start crying. "She abandoned us when things got hard."  
Derek flipped. As angry as he was with her, he hated when people said negative things about her. "Meredith's mother never wanted her and her father was never man enough to hang around. She has a right to be damaged. And this? It's a big thing for her." Derek insisted "All she ever saw was that things like this, they don't work. She panics. She wants this, but she doesn't know how to have it. And you know what? It's not her fault. I shouldn't have put her on the trial. I shouldn't have allowed Adele to participate. Meredith is willing to do anything for the people she loves."  
"Like disappear and stop answering any phone calls?" Lexie wondered.  
"I'll hate myself if I sign those papers" Derek admitted "but I'll also hate myself if I don't get Zola back"

Boston present day  
Had she forgotten how to sleep on her own? Meredith looked at the moon. Boston was too urban to see the stars in the sky and the moon seemed lonely. She remembered the nights at the trailer and the night sky – the beautiful night sky. He was gone from her life – at least a part of him. The other part of him was mere centimetres away from her. Ellis snored. It was funny that even though she looked just like him, she had inherited this from her. She saw him in her and it was killing her.  
She got up and walked over into Maggie's room and lay down next to her "I'm alone"  
"What Do you mean?" Maggie rolled her eyes "You woke me up. There are plenty of people around you -everyday. You are working at a hospital"  
"That's not what I'm talking about. I have people around me, but I'm alone." Meredith complained. She felt disconnected for everyone around her. "I feel alone. There's this kind of solitude you can feel even when you are surrounded by people. I feel like I'm being swallowed by it."  
"Are you okay?" Maggie wondered.  
"I'm fine" Meredith sighed "I'm always fine." Ever since she had seen Derek again, she couldn't stop thinking about him and all the people in Seattle. They had no clue that Ellis and Richard had procreated. They had no clue that Derek and she had. How would they react if they found out? What would Derek do?  
"You should go to bed." Maggie told her "I'm really tired and I want to go to bed"

Seattle 17 months ago  
"Have a seat, Dr. Shepherd. I hope you had a chance to have a look at the papers." His lawyer told him. "There hasn't been a prenup, so I just drew up a standard version with all the standard arrangements. As your ex-wife is a resident, I'm inclined to assume that she's asking for alimony payments."  
"She'd rip up the papers and tell you to get lost." Derek sighed "If you serve her those papers, it's probably better to exclude it."  
"So, she keeps her money, you keep yours. Everything you made while you were married is split into two. No kids, no shared assets. This is actually one of the easier divorces." He said. "Do you want to sign?"  
"I guess I need to" he nodded and signed three copies. 'It's gonna be OK.' 'Kiss me. I'm not going to die. I promise.' 'Good. 'Cause that would be the worst break-up ever' Derek was sure that this right now was the worst break up ever -not dying on that table – living and never seeing her again. He moved the pen with his hand and it felt like an out of body experience. Like he wasn't the one that controlled his body. After he had signed the third copy, he looked up. "That's it?"  
"Yeah, we'll send a version to your wife and ask for her signature" the lawyer nodded.  
"You know where she is?" Derek wondered.  
"It wasn't hard to find her, Dr. Shepherd" the lawyer said "The mailing address of her social security number is valid."

Boston present day  
Four hours later, Meredith had to get up again. Her alarm went off as Ellis was resting on her breast. The fever had died down and her baby was sleeping again. She put her into her crib and hoped she'd sleep until she was ready. Being a single mum was stressful.  
"A Dr. Johnson called for you" Maggie told her when she walked into the kitchen with Ellis after a long shower.  
"Again?" Meredith wondered. "They should stop calling me."  
"Hold on, the head of general surgery at John Hopkins has called you before?" Maggie looked at her in disbelief. "He said he wanted to tell you about the fellowship they offered you"  
"I know, they called me during surgery and a resident put him on speaker" Meredith told her "Have you ever been head hunted at your workplace with everyone around you being able to hear it? It's uncomfortable."  
"It's the best programme on the east coast." Maggie reminded her. "What are you eating?" Meredith covertly turned around as she was trying to hide the grilled cheese sandwich. Maggie walked over to her and grabbed the sandwich "Grilled cheese, seriously?"  
"Let me have it!" Meredith insisted "I'm having a bad day"  
"So this is what you do on your bad days, eat grilled cheese sandwiches and ignore calls from the best programme on this side of the coast?"  
"I used to sleep with my married attending when I had a bad day" Meredith mumbled while taking a bite "I think that's a step up"  
"I don't know how I can possibly respond to that" Maggie laughed. "How did you ever practice medicine at that hospital? Because if I'd do…"  
"I didn't know you were dating again" Meredith looked at Maggie while she prepared a bottle for Ellis.  
"I'm not" Maggie sighed "I hooked up one of the interns. In an on-call room and an exam room. Who does that?"  
"The father of my child" Meredith quips back with a smile. She didn't know why she smiled. This part of her was done. It was like that part of her life had never happened. It had been a fairy-tale, but fairy tales never came true; it were the other stories that.  
"Are you sure you don't want to call him?" Maggie wondered "You've talked about him a lot since the Harper Avery thing. You never talked about him before"  
"I'm sure." Meredith looked at her phone "Guess, I won't have to come in for a while. Surgery got pushed. The donor wasn't dead."  
"Sucks" Maggie sighed. "Well, it would have been cruel to remove the organs if he wasn't dead. I wouldn't want organs from someone who hasn't died yet"

Seattle 17 months ago  
Alex hated working at Seattle Grace, but there was no way to rematch at this stage of the program. Everyone hated him for selling out Meredith even though he had done the right thing. He had done it for the wrong reasons, but it had been the right thing. But no one except a few attendings seemed to acknowledge it. He called her cell again "You've reached Dr. Meredith Grey."  
Again. He sighed "Look, cut it out. It's not fair to any of us. Just tell me that you're okay and that you're safe. That's all. Just do that. I'm still sorry"  
"You should stop doing that, I'm sure she's fine" Arizona told him.  
"She's always fine. She always had my back -and the one time where she needed me to have hers. I didn't." Alex sighed "and now everyone here hates me"  
"The patients like you -and I like you" Arizona tried to cheer him up. "That's something"  
"I screwed up this bowel extraction" Alex sighed. It was a bad day.  
"I know, Webber told me" Arizona nodded "But those things happen. It wasn't your fault"  
"I feel like I'm alone all the time… I mean… she asked me to move out the day before she left. I did and… now she left… and everyone hates me and I've never felt so alone. It's almost like when they invited everyone to that party at Mer's house except me because they thought I was an ass and I'm right back to being that person."

Boston present day  
Meredith liked to take Ellis for a walk-in Lederman Park every other day. She'd sit down on a bench and read for 15 minutes. She liked to look at the bridges and the boats. 'Seattle has ferryboats' she couldn't oppress those memories. She wanted to punch herself. She wanted to forget about him, but ever since she had seen him again, she couldn't stop thinking about him.  
She had been to this park a lot when she moved to Boston as a child. It was close to the hospital and every other day, she'd go there after school and look at the ferryboats. Years had gone by and she was there again. The place hadn't changed, but she had. As a teenager, she had promised herself to never turn into her mother, but she had spent so many hours in the OR recently that she wondered whether she was all too different now. "I love you, baby" she smiled and took Ellis out of her pram. "I really do and sometimes I wish that things were different". She remembered the day George and she had looked at the babies and wished she could go back to that day, but life only moved forward. – 'The carousel never stops turning' her mother had always said. She had hated the phrase and she was self-loathing by now. How had she ended up like this? Her phone rang.  
"Am I speaking to Dr. Meredith Grey?"  
"Yes, hello" she nodded.  
"I'd like to talk about a fellowship offer with you. I know you've told me no, but I don't settle easily." He told her "I know you've done great work on Dr. Coleman's project and you'd be perfect for our trial."  
"I told you I didn't want to move in summer. Why'd you think that I changed my mind four months later?" Meredith wondered.  
"Because you were still involved in the project at that stage, Dr. Grey." He smiled "Our trial is trying to look into the use of islet cells. Your mother…"  
Meredith sighed "I know she thought about it, she wrote it down in one of her journals -and I think there's a reason she didn't pursue it." Meredith knew the reason well, it was Alzheimer's. Three weeks after the last islet cell entry in her journal, she had received a phone call while sightseeing in Amsterdam.  
"Maybe you want to continue her legacy" he suggested.  
'Maybe I already do', she thought to herself and rolled her eyes. "So you want me because I'm a Grey?"  
"No" That wasn't the answer she had expected "We want you because you've worked on a number of trials. You showed great promise during the boards. You knew the answers, you knew every possible loophole, every risk, you were confident and I like that in a surgeon. Your last name only adds to the decision. I'll email you the research proposal"  
"I have a child" Meredith stated.  
"and we have an excellent day-care facility." He suggested "and I'm sure we can find a job for the dad too."  
"I'll let you know my decision." Meredith said and hung up. Had she just been offered a job that involved a trailing spouse?

Seattle 17 months ago  
"She's gone and I can't live without her"  
"Your lawyer knows where she is" Mark reminded him "Plus you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself"  
"I shouldn't have told her to go"  
"What happened the night before she left?"  
"I came home after surgery. She was in the bed room. She begged me to stay, she begged me to call in favours for her and I told her I couldn't."  
"That's it?"  
"We've fought for hours. -and she left before I left. But I guess she came back afterwards because the room was empty the next morning. I was going to apologize, but she had left a note"  
"Apologize?"  
"I was going to call post-it – and tumours on the wall -and ferry boat scrub caps" "I was going to give us another chance"  
"So you're pissed because she left and you're too stubborn to fly to wherever she is and win her back with some grand gesture?"

Boston present day  
Meredith walked up to Maggie in the cafeteria. "They called again" she put her tray onto the table and sat down next to her "I hate this. I basically had to beg someone the last time I was looking for a job and now they are basically begging me to work for them. I don't know what happens if I put them off much longer"  
"Maybe they'll send you a fruit basket. Cleveland send me one after residency." Maggie laughed "I mean what kind of self-respecting employer sends you a fruit basket?"  
They both laughed. It was one of the top programmes for cardio surgery. Cristina was working in Cleveland now. She had published a few articles and was on the way become the surgical goddess she had aspired to be. "Cristina works there" Meredith remarked. Maggie had heard a few stories about her time in Seattle now. She had been closed off in the beginning, but now Maggie felt like she knew all those people.  
"I know." Maggie nodded "Does she still call your old cell?"  
"I don't know" Meredith admitted "I stopped checking after Ellis was born, I hardly have the time to charge one phone, let alone two"  
"Mer, I thought about it. I really think you should take the job" Maggie insisted "It's time to move on"  
"So, you think I should just pull out my phone, dial the number, accept the offer and move on with my life like the crap in Seattle never happened?" Meredith looked at her.  
"Yeah, just like that" Maggie nodded and took her phone.  
"What are you doing?" Meredith looked at her.  
"Calling John Hopkins for you" Maggie told her.  
"Give me that phone" Meredith tried to get a hold of this, but Maggie hung up.  
"What'd be so bad about working on the best-founded diabetes study of the country?" Maggie wondered "It'd be great -it's what you wanted to research once you finished your fellowship anyway."  
Meredith nodded and hit redial on her phone. "Hey, I thought about it" Meredith said "Just send me a contract, I'm interested" She sighed as she pressed the red button on her phone to hang up.  
"Is this the right decision?" she looked at Maggie.  
"It is." Maggie said "You need to let go. You have to move on and… you need to have sex"  
"You are still screwing that intern?" Meredith laughed. "I haven't thought about it. I haven't thought about sex since that last day. I…"  
"I didn't mean to…"  
"Oh, it's okay. I have this gorgeous girl" Meredith said "I don't need it, I have her and… I'm fine"  
"I'll miss you" Maggie hugged her. "But maybe you'll be less alone there."  
"Or maybe I'll turn into a hermit and move into the woods for 30 years"

Seattle 17 months ago

"What are you doing up here?" Mark walked up to the trailer. It should have been a peaceful scenery, but the amount of empty bottles of beer on the deck and the sight of his best friends lead him to decide otherwise. "You called in sick and by the looks of it, you robbed a liquor store" He was growing increasingly concerned. As he had driven to the house he had to cancel another date with Julia.  
Derek smelled like he had not taken a shower in days. "They finalized the divorce yesterday. I thought she might call, yell at me, tell me how much she hated me for doing this, but she just signed the damn papers." Derek paused. Mark knew when to keep quiet. They looked at the moon and the stars instead.  
"Even Addison put up a fight -and she knew that we weren't worth fighting for" Derek sighed "and now I'm divorced and I still haven't heard anything for Janet"  
"No word?" Mark wondered. He knew that Alex and Lexie had tried to call her.  
"No, I just need to be right here." Derek said "I look at the house and I… I think about the beautiful life we could have had. I can't take it"  
"Have you thought about what you are going to do with the land?" Mark wondered.  
"I think I'm going to sell it. I don't need it no more." Derek sighed. He had bought this land the day he had met Meredith and as hard as it felt to admit their love story was over. "I saved Beth, we got this sign from the universe and Meredith build this house of candles-and it doesn't matter because life isn't perfect… and the day we got married her friend got hit by a bus"  
"Why are you sleeping in the woods?" Mark wondered "You told me you can't stand it, and you are here nevertheless."  
"I just thought… it'd be over… I just thought if she signed those papers, I would stop feeling the pain. It's so much worse now because she left and I haven't heard back from Janet -and…I shouldn't have told her to leave"  
"You're still in love with her."  
"I hate her" "She ruined my reputation and… I hate myself because… well, I didn't want her on the trial and people insisted that she was perfect for it and I caved, I gave in… despite my better knowledge because I know that Meredith loves people. She cares about the people she loves so much, she'd do anything for them."  
"You have to stop loving her, Derek."


	5. Chapter 5

Massive thank for all the comments! I love how invested all of you are in this story!

 **Chapter 5**  
What happens when you can't wait any longer?

Seattle two weeks later  
"I've seen her -for a second. I wanted to talk to her but according to her partner she had to rush back to the hospital"  
"You won a freaking Harper Avery and all you do think about is my sister. It's weird." "Why are you talking about it with me anyway?"  
"Mark" "He told me to stop talking to him about it"  
"Maybe you should stop talking about her" "Unless you are planning on jumping on a plane and confess your love to her"  
"She wouldn't listen" "She's stubborn and she left the ceremony to avoid talking to me"  
"You're pretty vain" "Maybe there was an emergency at the hospital"  
"I know it"  
"Okay, Mr. Know-it-all-Harper-Avery-Winner. What is the surgical plan here?" "Nurse Peters asked if you were available"  
"I don't date. I know I should move on... and I think I'm going to do that in Baltimore. I had a nice chat with a representative from John Hopkins."

Boston 17 months ago  
Meredith carried a box into the apartment. Two bed rooms, Public Alley 421 with a living room window overlooking Boston Public Green. She liked the view, but the apartment felt nothing like her home in Seattle. She was alone, had nobody to talk to and she cried a lot. 'I remember moving to Boston. I remember the two of us basically hiding out in an apartment. And I remember she cried a lot. And I remember her belly getting big. And I knew I wasn't supposed to make any noise.' She told herself to stop crying. She had to buy a few things. She had left Seattle with the bare necessities and the apartment looked empty. Most of her stuff was still in the storage unit she had brought it to before she left. All she had were a few clothes, her tooth brush and a few books she needed to study.  
She looked at the boxes and sat down on the chair in the kitchen. Maggie had told her to inform Derek, but she was unsure whether he'd take her call -and she didn't even know what she'd tell him. 'I'm pregnant -you need to forgive me.' Would be begging. She had promised to herself never to beg him for anything. Asking him to 'pick her, choose her, love her' had been needy, and she couldn't be needy anymore. There was another human being insight of her. He had stopped calling her the day after she had left, even Mark had left more messages on her mailbox. He obviously had not chosen her and she was determined to move on. Her mother had done it.  
She was still surprised that they had accepted her into the programme. Most hospitals Dr. Webber had called, had passed, but when Jackson had called his grandfather, he had reluctantly agreed to take her. Jackson was the only one that knew where she was and he had promised not to tell anyone. Now she was determined to work harder than she had before, but it was easier. She went to work, she cut, she studied, she looked at post-op patients, she stayed the night, she slept in an on-call room and repeated the same thing the next morning. Morning sickness had set in a week ago, and she had been allowed to slightly adjust her schedule.

Seattle present day  
Mark walked into the bed room. He had made breakfast and it had gotten cold while he had waited for Lexie. "Are you okay, Lex?" Mark went to check why Lexie was taking so much time in the master bath room.  
"Morning sickness sucks and who ever said that pregnant women were glowing and crap has never been pregnant." She mumbled. "It's all your fault. You and your stupid boy penis"  
"Are you okay?" He asked while he saw that Lexie was throwing up again.  
"Do I look okay?" she wondered. "This baby is trying to kill me"  
"You can ask Derek to adjust your schedule!" he encouraged her. Lexie had worked relentless to keep up with Derek's pace, but this was pushing her to the breaking point.  
"I can't. My exams are coming up" she sighed "I need as much OR time as I can get. Do you know what it's like being the pregnant resident? It's hard!"  
"I made breakfast. Blueberry pancakes." He smiled. "So, if you and the baby feel up to it, you could join me at the dining room table."

Boston 17 months ago  
Meredith entered the examination room at the OB's practice Maggie had recommended to her. She was overdue for her first ultrasound. It was her first ultrasound ever. When she had found out she was pregnant the last time, a gun man had shot her husband and she had suffered a miscarriage. Nobody had noticed yet that she was pregnant, and she hoped that things would stay that way for as long as possible. "Hello Dr. Grey, isn't it?" the woman said. She was in her mid-50s and her hair was white. Maggie had told her that she had been her OB/Gyn for the longest time and that she always knew what her patients needed.  
"Yeah, thanks for seeing me on short notice" Meredith tried to force a smile.  
The woman nodded and asked her to take off a few things and to lay down. Meredith put on the paper gown and got changed "Just let me check." the doctor said. Meredith was going to get her first ultrasound pictures and for the first time since her arrival in Boston she felt excited for a few seconds. "The gel is going to be cold, but I guess it'll be worth it. It's a pity the dad couldn't make it." the doctor said "I'm sure he's proud". Meredith hated that comment. How did she know if it was a pity that the dad couldn't make it?  
"Oh, he's not in the picture right now." Meredith said. Her phone rang and she looked at the screen. „Mer, don't hang up, let me talk to you." The person on the other end of the line said.  
"Alex, I told you to stop calling me." She said and hung up. She put away her phone.  
The doctor looked at her with a stern look. "I have to ask you to take things slowly, I know you are a resident and you have a busy schedule, but there are a few lesions from your previous pregnancy that might cause problems with the placenta here. You miscarried before, didn't you?"  
"Do you remember residency?" Meredith wondered. There was no way she'd be able to slow down. If she did, she was bound to start thinking and Derek was the last think she wanted on her mind. Cut, suture, close and hope for it to heal -that was her life and it was easy. Dehumanize the patient -.  
"Well, you better tell them soon…" the OBGYn insisted "unless you want to talk about…"  
"No, I don't want an abortion, but I'll try my best not to be exhausted…" Meredith smiled.  
"I'll see you in two weeks." The woman nodded "We can go over measurements and…"  
"Hear the heartbeat, yeah." Meredith interrupted her. She had been dying to hear it.  
„Take care of yourself." She said „And the dad seems to care, why don't you call him again?" Meredith sighed. The person who had called her wasn't the child's father and she had no intention to call him either.

Seattle present day  
"You don't seem very excited to finally leave this place behind" A voice wondered. Derek turned around and saw Mark. "Oh, hey, I didn't realize anyone was in here."  
"Another tumour?" Mark wondered and looked at the scan. It was an old scan. Beth Monroe. 'We'll get it right with Beth.' He smiled for a moment. They had saved her life 'You encourage her to surgery? Encourage her not to! Not me with the big ego, it's you. You backed me into a corner.' 'What was I supposed to do? I can't. Derek. - She's a kid. - Who's gonna die without surgery.' 'She'll die with surgery. That's what you and I do. We kill things over and over and over again. We've killed 1 2 people, and now, because of you, I will kill a 13th. Surgery's over, we're done. Don't wanna work with you, see you, talk to you. We're done'  
"Yeah, ever since I won the Harper Avery award, I feel like… I don't need the validation, I… I want to give hope to the people who don't have any and Beth deserves another chance. Sometimes second chances are not enough, sometimes you deserve a third chance." Derek sighed "She was the reason the glioma trial succeeded".  
"I know. Lexie is talking about those hopeless cases a lot" Mark sighed "You really should walk away from the lost causes or you should reassign Lexie…"  
"She can't do some of the procedures anyway because of the radiation" Derek reminded him "and I think it's not up to her boyfriend to decide. I'm not going to do anything to harm her and I can't drop this case either. She's the reason my trial was a success"  
"and she would have been the reason for a whole lot more trouble if she had kicked the curve" Mark reminded him.  
"I can't believe you are settling down." Derek sighed "I'm still single and you are becoming the family man neither of us thought you would become"  
"We are going to have a baby -which was a surprise - life couldn't be any better for me right now." Mark nodded "and you are going to give me a daily head count. I need to know how many nurses you slept with"  
"You are disgusting" Derek rolled his eyes.  
"No, I'm making sure that you move on from that wreck Meredith left behind." Mark insisted "Ever since you thought you saw her at the Harper Avery ceremony you are seeing things"  
"She was there. She was standing right next to me at the bar" Derek insisted.  
"Man, don't discuss this with me again" Mark sighed "It's this being at the same place at the same time crap again?"

Boston 17 months ago  
Meredith walked into the scrub room and looked at Maggie "How was your OB appointment?" the surgeon wondered "Did you like her?"  
"It was fine." Meredith nodded "I think, I've finally found the courage to tell him" She had answered Alex' call and she was ready to tell Derek the news.  
"So are you settling in alright?" Maggie asked "I heard Sigurdsson likes you. Your work."  
"I can't sleep. I lay awake and it doesn't feel like home." Meredith sighed "Well, I took over all of his post-op patients, he better does like my work!"  
"It's only been a few weeks" Maggie tried to encourage her "You'll grow more comfortable with the situation eventually." Meredith doubted it. The streets she had grown up in, didn't feel like home. She knew every street, every corner around the hospital, but it seemed nothing had changed since she had left for Dartmouth. The shops were the same, the bars and cafes still served the same drinks.  
"Meredith Grey?" a young man walked up to them.  
"Yes." She nodded and he handed over an envelope.  
"You've been served."  
"What's that?" Maggie wondered.  
"Nothing." Meredith mumbled. Maybe it was too late to call Derek. They had always had terrible timing.  
Meredith rushed into an empty room and closed the door behind her. She ripped open the envelope and saw a petition for divorce. All her hopes were shattered -and she couldn't beg him to reconsider his relationship if he didn't love her anymore. She didn't want him to stay for the baby, she needed him to stay for her. 'Nobody walks out, no matter what.' This morning she had persuaded herself to tell him about the pregnancy, but the letter had crushed the courage that she had carefully built up.  
He had hesitated signing the papers when he and Addison had gotten divorced, he had even stayed married to her even though she had cheated on her. 'Look I was married for 11 years. Addison is my family. That is 11 Thanksgiving's, 11 birthdays, 11 Christmas's, and in one day I am supposed to sign a piece of paper and end my family? A person doesn't do that, not without a little hesitation. I'm entitled to a little uncertainty here. Just a moment to understand the magnitude of what it means to cut somebody out of my life. I am entitled to at least one moment of painful doubt and a little understanding from you would be nice.' There had been no moment of painful doubt here. He had signed and now it was up to her to sign too. The arrangement seemed fair. Everyone kept whatever they owned before they got married and gains during their four months of marriage were split equally. There was spousal support, if she wanted it, but she didn't. She had enough money to support herself.  
She just looked at the papers. Now she knew how it felt -the little uncertainty, the magnitude of what it meant to cut somebody out of one's life. She sighed. Had she given him the justification when she had tempered with his trial or when she had left the city?

Seattle present day  
The park was quiet during winter time. Derek and Zola walked through the park and stopped at the swing set. It was cold, but he wanted her to have at least a few minutes of outdoor exercise. He sat down on a bench and Derek pulled out two cookies from his pocket "Zola, daddy would like to talk to you about something" he said. He needed to prepare Zola for their move across the country. She had to understand that they were going to move. "You know how Seattle is our home right now? Daddy got an amazing job offer and in a few weeks, we are going to pack up all our stuff and we are going to sell our apartment and we are going to move to Baltimore. Daddy has a new job in Baltimore"  
"Has it ferryboats?" the girl smiled and ate the chocolate chip cookie.  
"Yes, Baltimore has ferryboats" Derek nodded.  
"I like ferryboats" Zola smiled. Her laugh was captivating. "Are you going to be there?"  
"Yes, I will always be there." Derek said "I will always love you and I'll always be there"

Boston 17 months ago  
"Come on, you don't get served with nothing! Talk to me!" Maggie walked into the room a few moments after Meredith had read the papers.  
"Divorce papers. He's asking for a divorce. They're signed. All I have to do is sign them." Meredith yelled and threw them to the ground "Are you happy now? Why do you keep annoying me anyway?"  
"My mother was Ellis Grey. I know. I'm sorry. We…" Maggie paused and looked at Meredith who seemed ready to rip her head off "this isn't fair to you. And we got off to a really good start and you confided in me, but I… I didn't tell you… but I need you to know the whole story. I was put up for adoption in Boston."  
"Here?" Meredith looked at her. She couldn't believe what she was hearing.  
"Yes. And I was adopted by a very nice couple an amazing couple. They are my parents, but my mother… My mother I found out a year ago, my mother is your mother, Ellis Grey."  
"What do you want? - What? What are you after here?" Meredith yelled.  
"I know it sounds like " Maggie bit her lips. She immediately regretted to have picked this moment.  
"You're five years younger than me. If my mother were pregnant, I would have known. You're wrong. - Just - Or you're lying." Meredith insisted.  
"What? What? Just listen." Maggie tried to calm her down, but Meredith fled the scene.  
"Stay away from me."

Seattle present day  
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Lexie looked at Beth.  
"I took risks before. The odds were in my favour" the girl sighed "I know that I might die. I'm fine with that. I had five amazing years, I kissed the guy I loved, I graduated high school, I travelled, I ate ice cream in Italy and I saw the world's end in Sri Lanka. I walked along the Big Wall in China. I… I lived. If it's meant to end, I'm fine with that, but I don't want to live with a certain expiration date."  
Derek looked at her and remembered her last conversation with Jeremy. _'What if you die?' – 'I won't.'_  
 _'What if I die?' – 'You won't.'_  
 _'OK, but you changed my life, Jeremy West. You made it better, you made it brighter, full of joy and if I die –'_  
 _'Don't you dare die.'_  
 _'OK? We're not finished yet.'_  
 _'I'm not finished loving you._ '  
'OK, go ahead.'  
He had just left. Those were their last words, this had been their last kiss. "Do you still love him, after all this time?" he wondered.  
Beth immediately knew what he was talking about "Always" the girl smiled "He was my first love. You don't forget your first love. I still miss him."  
"Do you remember the last time we kissed?" This case was so close to home. "I'm very sorry" he stated.  
"How's Dr. Grey? Are you two having bubbly babies?" Beth smiled "You two were so obvious"  
"She's not working here anymore" Lexie tried to jump to the rescue.  
"The surgery is going to be at 10 am tomorrow morning, Dr. Grey is going to walk you through the rest" Derek left the room.

Boston 16 months ago  
Meredith sat at home. She was surrounded by twenty boxes, she hadn't bothered to open most of them, but used one of them as a stool for her feet. She was starting to show; her scrub pants had gotten too small this week. The people who hadn't noticed yet, started to notice now and she had gone from being the new resident to being the pregnant resident. She looked at the apple in front of her. Lexie hated apples, and it seemed to her the baby did too. 'I hate apples. Hate them. Think they shouldn't be allowed to be a fruit. That's one.' It had been one of the five things Lexie had told her about herself that were supposed to make her hate Lexie a little less. She wondered if her dad liked apples. She never had had any strong feelings about apples, but apparently, the baby did. She felt nauseous and had to barf every time she ate them. 'I'm…I'm your sister.'  
Now she had three, Lexie and Molly on her father's side and Maggie on her mother's side. She had avoided talking to Maggie. Her mother had been pregnant when she had put her on a plane. She had tried to kill herself and they had left the city. 'I remember the two of us basically hiding out in an apartment. And I remember she cried a lot. And I remember her belly getting big. And I knew I wasn't supposed to make any noise. And then her water broke on the kitchen floor, and that scared me because it reminded me of the blood in the kitchen when she cut her wrists. And I went to the hospital. I was there... Both times. And I heard a baby cry, and I heard my mother cry. And then we went home. And her belly wasn't big anymore.' The puzzle pieces fitted perfectly. Ellis had a child. She had slowly come to terms with it.  
She heard a knock on the door. "Can I come in?" Maggie wondered.  
Meredith removed the chain and opened the door "Do I have a choice?" she laughed  
"I brought pizza, my mom told me to bring something because it'd be harder to send me away." Maggie tried to be polite. It was their first conversation in three weeks. Meredith had successfully avoided Maggie all this time.  
"So, you are my sister." Meredith nodded.  
"Half-sister, yes." Maggie nodded.  
They quietly ate the pizza. It had been a while since Meredith had shared a meal with anyone outside of the hospital "I would like to show you something if you have a minute." Meredith got up from the chair and went over to one of the boxes. 40 black journals. "She wrote in these journals, obsessively... Mostly surgical notes, ideas, but this one is from around the time you were born." Meredith handed over the journal to her. It was full of brilliant ideas.  
'A surgery can fail for any number of reasons, whether from a patient's morbidity or surgeon's ineptitude.' "Geez." Maggie mumbled after she had read those lines.  
"They're not so warm. She wasn't, either. But there is more to her than... I'm still finding out things about her myself." Meredith admitted "She wrote mostly at night, with a glass of wine, as you can see by the ring stains and... But I think here is when she found out she was pregnant because the wine stains stop and she starts writing down everything she ate. So..." Meredith saw the empty page with a few blood stains.  
"This was when she..." Maggie nodded.  
"Realized she was pregnant with you." Meredith nodded "So, she wanted you to be okay. She wanted to be healthy. She tried, at least"

Seattle present day  
Derek knew that he had a tendency to spoil Zola. Today he had taken her to the park and to her favourite ice-cream place where they had shared hot choco. Mark called him out on it frequently, but Sofia had two moms and one dad, he was all Zola had. Now she was sleeping on his sofa while he started to clean out office. He hadn't touched the bottom draw in 17 months. Everything that had once connected him and Meredith was in there: a pair of black panties, a blue post-it note, a few photos, their signed marriage certificate, an issue of 'the neurosurgical journal' that had published their method, the blue prints of the house they had started to build and the signed divorce papers. When he had moved into the apartment, he had put it into this drawer and never looked at it again, now he had to clear out his belongings and move on. For some reason, he thought the items were worth saving and put them onto his desk. He went to the hall and grabbed one of the boxes.  
When he returned from the hall, Zola was looking at the framed pictures. "Who's that?" Zola wondered and looked at her daddy. She had not seen the woman in the picture frame before. Derek looked at the picture. Meredith. She was a curious young lady "That's someone who used to love me a lot"  
"Is she in Baltimore, too?" the girl wondered. "Is she the reason we are moving there?"  
She was right, Derek thought. She was the reason he had decided to move, but he was certain she wouldn't be there. She was working at Mass. Gen. for all he knew, but the memory of her was everywhere, sometimes he smelled her conditioner and there had been nights where he still heard her laugh or thought he caught a peek at her in the scrub room. It had been almost two years since she had left Seattle and he knew that he needed to move on with his life. "No honey, she's…" he couldn't find the right words. "We are moving because daddy got an amazing new job".  
"I like her smile" Zola said "She's looks like a princess"  
Derek nodded and looked at the things on the table. "Aren't you tired, honey?"  
 _'I have to go.'_  
 _'- What?'_  
 _'To kiss you the way I want to kiss you, to do more than kiss you, I need to speak to Rose. I want my conscience clear so that I can do more than kiss you. Stay here. Don't move. Wait for me.'_


	6. Chapter 6

_Long time no read... I'm sorry...I had to figure out a few things toward the end of the story..._

* * *

Chapter 6

Seattle 15 months ago  
Arizona found Alex in an on call room. "You have to go home!"  
"I don't have a home, Mer kicked me out. I've slept at the hospital since she left." Alex admitted. He had been living in the hospital for almost three months.  
"Come with me. You can sleep on our couch until you find something, but you have to look for something." She smiled "you're not alone"  
"I am. Nobody likes me" he shrugged.

Boston present day

Meredith had packed her last box and picked up Ellis "I saw your daddy. He's still pretty handsome. Not as pretty as you are, but a close second" she cuddled her.  
"She's not going to reply, you know?" Maggie laughed "The car is waiting downstairs."  
"She will – one day" Meredith smiled.  
"You left early. Someone was John Hopkins was looking for you" Maggie told her. Meredith couldn't wait to get home after her last day at Mass. Gen.  
"The coordinator of the residency programme. He wants me to run a diabetes trial that uses the findings of our trial" Meredith nodded. It certainly hadn't been the arrangement she had in mind when she had accepted the fellowship position in Baltimore.  
"What is stopping you?" Maggie wondered.  
"It's research, no OR time" Meredith said "I like cutting into people"  
"Limited hours, you can take afternoons off to go to the park. It's sort of perfect" Maggie tried to push her. "and you'd get another chance. I mean you really didn't have a good start here -with Ellis and the divorce"  
"Derek won the Harper Avery award. There's no OR on the planet where I could hide from him. It's tempting to accept the offer, but I am a surgeon." Meredith sighed "I am a surgeon and we can't just go and do the safe thing."  
"You heard Dr. Avery talked about buying SGMW?" Maggie wondered.  
"Yeah, and I hate the thought of being connected to him. There'd be phone conferences, meetings, consults and he might travel here" Meredith made things up in her mind "Or I might have to go back"  
"I would love to do a consult in Seattle, see where Ellis Grey lived and worked, meet your people" Maggie told her.  
"Well you can stay here and do that" Meredith smiled. She had to go her own way. It was time to leave her past behind and start over.

Seattle 15 months ago

Derek had never enjoyed his sisters' previous visits, but this time his sister had turned up with a beautiful brain tumor. "There's something you need to realize- and the sooner the better. Life is as simple and as complicated as we make it." Amy told him.  
"You wised up."  
"I'm a board certified neuro surgeon." She told him "I didn't bring this tumor so you can be the hero, I brought her here because she's my friend and I believe we can save her."  
"Guess I'm the black sheep of the family now".Derek sighed while looking at the scans "I feel like I'm failing all the time. I want to go back to a time before it was too late".  
"You can't go back." Amelia stuttered "You can't go back to... you can't... I promised Michelle to help her kill herself".  
"Are you insane?" Derek wondered "You can lose your medical licence!"  
"She begged me." Amelia told her.

There was a knock on the door and Lexie walked into the room "Derek? Janet is here. She said it's urgent."  
"Do I have a hearing date?" he wondered.  
"No, actually, I think they have made a decision." Lexie smiled.

"Derek. I'm here to leave Zola with you. Congratulations! She's yours!" Janet smiled and handed her over to him "I would have called, but it's been really short notice. I'll come over for a home visit in a week. I'm sure Meredith and you will be great parents."  
"I moved and we divorced. My lawyer said that child services..." Derek looked at Zola. "If I had known..."  
"...the judge gave her to both of you" Janet said "Joint custody, but I'm sure you can work out a joint visitation schedule with her"  
"Thanks anyway, Janet." He nodded. He froze. He was holding a baby and he didn't know what to do. He had hoped that getting her back would make him feel better, but it didn't.  
Amelia came into the room and waved at her little niece "Hello little pumpkin." Derek remained in his frozen state a little more which prompted the question "Do you need help?"  
He shook his head "I'll take the rest of the day off. You can take over my service?" he told her absently minded and left the room.  
"You want me to run your service?" Amelia mumbled and looked at him as he left the room.

Baltimore present day

From one moment to the next your life can change forever. One minute you are on solid ground, the next one you are not. Her tour around the hospital had been interrupted by a page for an emergency surgery. A 15 year old kid had stolen his parents' car and taken a joy ride with his girlfriend until they had crashed into a wall -now he was on their table and his parents were in the waiting room.  
"Oh my God, look at that liver" she mumbled. "It's ripped into half"  
"Yeah, we need to call UNOS and talk to the parents." Her attending nodded "and we need to fix that tear. Where is all the blood coming from?" _  
_"I don't see a thing" Meredith mumbled. "We need a third pair of hands"

Alex looked at his pager. He was holding a paper cup coffee when he realized that he had to get to the OR immediately. He threw it away and ran to the scrub room. Dr. Oswald was in there with a brunette petite woman. Her hair was plaided and she was focusing on stopping a bleed.  
Meredith was fighting for a patients' life. Not too much time passed until another surgeon walked into the room. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. "Alex" Meredith looked at him. The last time she had seen him, she had kicked him out of her house.

 _'Can you believe we called an entire O.R. team and they came? Amazing.' Meredith laughed.  
'We've got balls. Clamp.'  
'You've got balls. I've got *cojones*'  
'You know those are balls, right?' Alex wondered._

He couldn't believe his ears. "Mer" he stopped and looked at her "Is that really you? What are you doing here?"  
"Dr. Karev, I figure you know Dr. Grey. She started today" the senior surgeon looked up "Get in here, we need another hand"

Seattle 15 months ago

"What's the matter, Dr. Grey?" Mark wondered when he looked at Lexie.  
"I miss her -Meredith -and I'm with Derek all day -so I can't talk about it" she sighed. "I wish I could talk about it"  
"You can talk to me" Mark offered. "We could have a coffee or you could assist me"  
"Coffee is fine -or you could come over tonight. The house is lonely without everyone." She admitted. Everyone had left.  
"You live there on your own?" Mark was surprised. He had never realised just how big the changes where that had happened.  
"No more hiding in the attic" Lexie smirked.  
"Can I bring Sofia?" he wondered.  
"Yeah, I guess that's alright" she nodded "and can you find someone for Derek to have sex with so he's nicer?"  
"Your sister isn't around, is she?" Mark asked.

Baltimore present day

Meredith stood in front of her sleeping baby girl. "She'll be fine. I know it's always hard -especially if they start moving more" the day-care worker assured her "She'll wait until you come back and we make sure she's safe and happy here"  
"I filled in everything" Meredith handed over the registration form.  
"Alright, I see you filled in all the relevant information. Thanks" the woman smiled "We'll page you in case something comes up."  
Meredith nodded and looked at Ellis once again. Leaving her at day-care wasn't getting any easier. She had done it for month and no matter if it was Boston or Baltimore, the entry in the 'name of father' field was useless. He was on the other side of the country. She had heard the nurses' gossip about Ellis' dad. The day-care workers in Boston had no released his identity and she hoped that the young lady here would follow suit. The craziest rumour in Boston had been that she and Maggie were lesbian lovers and she had IVF. One slightly likelier option was that she was carrying Harper Avery's grandson, but for all she knew that was still up to her sister –or April Kepner.  
"She's a beautiful child" the lady said "She looks a lot like you"  
"She has her father's eyes" Meredith told her "Will you excuse me now, I'll pick her up after my shift, but I have to go to the bath room."  
"You could pick her up for lunch" the girl suggested "or is her dad going to pick her up?"  
"I really doubt it, and I..."  
"The bathroom is over there" the woman pointed to the door and Meredith ran.

When Derek walked through the door he was the only one to see the back of her head and the daycare worker who welcomed Zola in her group welcomed him. For a second Derek imagined Meredith was the woman who had just disappeared from his sight.

 _"You know, I was holding her yesterday, and she was crying and then she stopped. And I've held a lot of babies; I've fixed a lot of babies. But, I looked down at Zola, and I don't know what it was, but I just couldn't imagine her being with any other parent or any other family. We've been trying so hard to start a family, and she needs one. Let's adopt her. I'm serious, let's adopt her"_

Seattle 15 months ago

Alex was doing post-ops for Arizona when he told a twelve year old that things are going to get better once he finished school "Why would I listen to you? You don't know what it's like to be lonely."  
"Nobody likes me here" Alex suggested.  
"Can't blame them. What happened?"the boy wondered.  
"I did a terrible thing, betrayed a friend, messed up her marriage and got her fired – and now she left and I'm still here. She was the one person that always had my back -and I did it again." Alex sighed.  
"What?" the boy wondered.  
"Screw myself out of anything that is good" Alex sighed "Don't do that"  
"I'm about to die" the boy insisted.  
"Dr. Robbins is very good at her job" Alex smiled "You'll live. The incision is healing well, and the next surgery might be the last"  
"Life's scary" the boy sighed.  
"What do you mean?" Alex wondered.  
"If I do this surgery, I'd be cured. I've been in one hospital or the other since I was 8 years old... I don't know what high school is like or... what normal teenagers do" the boy admitted.  
"You can't be afraid of change. There's no way to stop the world from changing." Alex told him "You'll figure it out"

Baltimore present day

The surgery was over. The patient was in post op and Meredith and Alex were scrubbing out "You are here." Alex said and Meredith looked at him. It had been one and a half years and she had changed. Being a single mom had changed her, going through a pregnancy and a divorce on her own had changed her.

„Yeah and I have to go, Dr. Oswald wanted to show me the department, but this little incident sort of interrupted our tour." She apologized.  
"I can show you" Alex offered. "I mean, I'd get if you don't want to talk to me or if you hate me."  
"I don't" Meredith looked at her shoes.  
"I betrayed you." Alex mumbled "I'm sorry"  
"I know you've told me about a thousand times on my voicemail. You are here, so I figured that chief resident thing really worked out for you"  
"Kepner got the job -and she as horrible." Alex laughed "and she failed her boards"  
"I heard... Jackson's granddad mentioned it" Meredith nodded "She took off her shirt during the oral"  
"You talked to Jackson?" Alex wondered.  
"Only his grandpa and his mother"  
"I'm really sorry"  
"You said that before I tempered with the trial." Meredith admitted "It was my fault"  
"Nothing you did made a difference." Alex tried to argue with her "I was jealous. I was jealous, so I ruined it! Mer, let's talk. Tell me what happened, tell me why..." Alex said, but Meredith interrupted him to buy herself some time. She had never told anyone why she had cut all strings, but she figured it was time to tell Alex.  
"I didn't want to be found" Meredith told Alex "I was fine, but I didn't want to see anyone"  
"Yeah, we could have a drink"  
"I can't" Meredith declined. She had no support network here –not even the phone number of a single sitter.  
"Come on, there used to be five of us…"  
"It stopped being like that when George was hit by a bus and Izzie got cancer and…" Meredith cut him off "It has been only me for quite some time."  
"Come on, one drink!" "You need someone in your corner."  
"Being in Seattle after you left sucked, I had nobody -and I hated it… I studied all the time and…"  
"you knew how much it sucks to have backstabbed the one person who has always had your back?" Meredith wondered.  
"I'm sorry Mer." Alex apologized for the next time.  
"You better be." Meredith mumbled and walked out.

Seattle 15 months

There was a knock on the door the night Alex had been taken to Arizona's apartment. Alex who had been asleep on the couch opened the door. "I should leave" Derek mumbled.  
"No, you can stay here. I'll sleep at the hospital" Alex said, but in the mean time Arizona had arrived at the door.  
"Neither of you leaves!" Arizona insisted.  
"It's fine" Alex assured her "I get that Shepherd doesn't want to see me"  
"At least he knows something" Derek mumbled.  
"Shut up! Both of you! This can't keep happening! We had to bail out both of you because of a bar fight last week" Arizona insisted "Sit down"  
The two guys sat down on the chairs at the living room table, but didn't stop attacking each other "Maybe Shepherd shouldn't have been drinking."  
"Alex, go to Sofia's room." Arizona screamed. "You can sleep in there"  
"She kept crying"  
"Kids like car rides"  
"So, she'll stop crying if I drive her around?"  
"Yeah"  
"You and Alex need to get along. The way both of you act is endangering patients"  
"He's the..."  
"I know what you want to say and he isn't. Meredith tempered with your trial."  
"I want to punch him."  
"You already did that and it didn't make you feel better."

Baltimore present day

Meredith soon realized that it might have been stupid to blow off the only person at this hospital who knew about her personal history like this. She was glad that she found Alex in the paediatric wing. "I can't" she tried to accept his invitation, but paused. "I'm not mad at you, but... I'll show you, Alex. I guess you'll need more explanations afterwards, but maybe you can listen to what I have to say after you got off and we can talk tonight, but meet me at the attendings' lounge at 1 pm sharp. I have to go."

Seattle 15 months ago  
It was the middle of the night when she heard a knock on the door. Callie got up and saw Derek. "What are you doing here?"  
"They dropped her off this morning and she hasn't stopped crying and I don't know what to do. Meredith would know, but she's gone and I don't have a clue." Derek handed over Zola to Callie.  
"You realise it's 3.00 am." The ortho surgeon stated.  
"I do, but she's not okay and she's running a fever." He said.  
"She's teething Derek, relax! It'll be fine in the morning."  
"She's so little. I don't know what to do with her."

Baltimore present day  
She had no choice but to tell Alex. Most of the residents and attendings would find out about her daughter anyway. Given the timeline it wouldn't have taken Alex too much time to figure out anyway. Alex had followed her through the hospital. "What are we doing at the daycare-center?" Alex wondered "I thought you wanted to tell me why you left." Meredith disappeared behind the door.  
"I want you to meet somebody." Meredith said after she had told him to wait a second. She came back and held a small baby with wavy black hair and piercing blue eyes.

"Oh my God, you and Derek…" Alex realized. "She's beautiful" Alex looked at the child.

"Alex, I want you to meet somebody." Meredith said "That's Ellis. She…"

"Looks like her dad. You don't need a DNA test for that." Alex said in surprise "Hello Ellis, I'm Alex."

They left the daycare and made their way to the subway.

"So, she's the reason you went away and burnt all the bridges, hm?" he wondered. "I thought I had seen you during the boards. You were there " Meredith never knew why she had been hiding from Alex –or Cristina. He had always been the one person who would have understood.

"No, I only found out in Boston. But she was the reason I never came back." Meredith sighed " Say goodbye to uncle Alex, sweetie."

"I miss Derek. I dread the day when Ellis is going to start asking questions about" Meredith said "All the other kids in day-care have a daddy. It's hard to explain…"

"Does she know who he is?" Alex wondered.

"She's a baby, but I tell her stories and she has a photo in her room" Meredith said.

Seattle 15 months ago  
The next day Derek went to a baby shop with Mark. He was in desperate need of all the necessities that one had to buy when having a baby. He had thrown out everything he and Meredith had bought after she had left.

"I don't want to make any decisions that I'm going to regret." He said while Mark was trying to persuade him to buy any one of the prams.  
"You have to make a decision, though. You need a bed for her and a stroller and you have to shave and take a shower when we are back." Mark told him "That puke doesn't sit well with my nose. What are you doing?"  
"I'm trying to comb Zola's hair" Derek said.  
"it looks terrible. Almost as bad as your afro used to look" Mark giggled.  
"It's... she'd know what to do... I'm not made to braid a girl's hair..."  
"You used to braid Amy's hair" Mark reminded him.  
Derek sighed. "Her hair was different. I feel like I'm constantly failing. I want to go back to that point in time when Jon Doe wasn't George. The moment we got married on a post-it –that was the happiest moment of my life. I want to have that kind of happiness again."


	7. Chapter 7

_Thanks for all the reviews! I wrote quite a bit of the story and hopefully there is going to be a weekly update during the summer. Enjoy!  
This chapter is going to be rather fluffy and I enjoyed writing it a lot... the story evolves slowly and the characters get a bit of piece before things start escalating throughout the next chapters...I hope you enjoy it!  
_

* * *

 **Chapter 7**

Seattle present day  
Farewell. Moving on is an essential part of life. We get wounded and we heal, we fall down and we stand up. Our life evolves, change is the only constant. Mark looked at the decorations in Derek's apartment. This place had seldom been filled with laughter. 'Farewell' – it was ironic that this was the first celebration that took place in here. Derek had never been in the mood to celebrate much since he moved in- not even after he won the Harper Avery Award. Doctors from different departments of the hospital and a few neighbours were gathered to say good bye. He had packed his stuff into boxes and most of them were already on the way to Baltimore where a new life awaited his friend.  
"I don't see regret in your face yet" Mark told him as he sat down on a chair next to Derek's. "No way you are not going to miss me"  
He laid his hands onto Mark's. "I'm finally in a place of knowing that I'll be ok, and that –according to my therapist- was the biggest part of the battle. I'll be closer to my family and the hospital looks good. I came to Seattle to run away from Addison, I'm going to Baltimore to move on with my life – while you continue to make beautiful babies with my ex' wife's sister." Derek laughed.  
"Cheers! I can't believe you will be gone." Mark sighed and opened a bottle of beer of each one of them.  
"I'm not gone, I'm on the other side of the country. I'm going to a congress in Houston in two weeks. You can come if you want to." Derek offered. "I was invited to talk about my trial"  
"No, I want to stick around in case Lexie needs me." Mark told him "She's moody as hell these days."

Boston 15 months ago

Three months. Now it would be safe to tell people she was pregnant. People usually waited until the 12-weeks-mark and she was beyond it. Few people knew – it was on a need to know basis. "Dr. Grey" one of her over eager interns was waving a page of paper in her face.  
"What's up, Dr. Cho?" Meredith smiled and looked at her. Sometimes she was reminded of Cristina –in terms of looks and determination.  
"I would like to participate in Dr. Springer's study!" The intern said. Meredith looked at the description. It was the trial Jackson's grandfather had recommended to her, but she had decided to decline the offer as it felt too much like the Diabetes trial at SGMW.  
"What's keeping you?" she wondered.  
"You. They only accept interns if the assigned resident is participating too." The intern told her. "So, you are going to do that?"  
"Oh, I see" Meredith tossed the paper and threw it into a nearby bin "I don't have time for stuff like this"  
"Because of the pregnancy" the intern noted.  
Meredith's eyes widened "How did you find out?"  
"The symptoms are obvious – if you pay attention to them. So if you want to keep working the hours you do, you better sign those forms" her intern smiled. Blackmail.  
Meredith sighed and signed the papers "Can you tell me what the trial is about? I just want to be sure you aren't as useless as in the ER"  
"The use of Islet cells"  
Screw you universe! Meredith sighed "Okay, I'll sign your stupid form once you get another one and do the minimum amount of time on it – and you'll keep your mouth shut."  
"Thanks" the Asian turned around and smiled "and- lemon tea helps with the morning sickness -at least my sister swore it did"

Baltimore present day  
It was Meredith's first weekend off and she finally had time to bring all the boxes to her new place of residence. Alex had offered her a place to stay and she was surprised to see how good it looked. It was in one of the finer Baltimore neighbourhoods. A suburban home one might by for his families. "You have a nice house." Meredith looked at the garden when they arrived. White picked fences – they had arrived in a world that neither one belonged in.  
"Well, I'm here to stay. It's time to put down some roots." Alex said "After Izzie and Lexie and Lucy- I need to find someone and I want to start a family and I want to be a responsible guy"  
"Yeah, but I wouldn't have pegged you for the suburban type." Meredith teased him. While Meredith unpacked the boxes in the kitchen she noticed that most of the cabinets were empty "But you don't have a can opener, or a washing machine or… do you know any useful household items?  
"You have ten boxes, no dryer, no rugs, nothing. Where were you going to live?" Alex wondered. The hospital had arranged this housing for him upon request.  
"Across the street from hospital. Like I did in Boston. I didn't have a lot of stuff in Boston, just new baby stuff and…" Meredith admitted "and I bought a few things, but Maggie kept most of it"

After they had finished unpacking the boxes and moving the furniture into the house they sat down on the front porch "Why are you not mad at me?" he wondered.  
"I was. I used to be. But, you know, sometimes I just go to that dark place. It happens. And Izzie or George, they always tried to cheer me up, but you don't try to change me." Meredith smiled at him "You just sit down next to me and hold my hand, quietly, in the dark. I have a sister."  
"Lexie, I know."Alex rolled his eyes  
"No, another one. Maggie. Ellis and Richard had a child." Meredith told him "I met her in Boston. She's a cardio surgeon and if you'd tell her that the earth is on fire, she'd hand you a marshmallow, but her fiancé just left her, so she might actually be a Grey after all."  
"So, that's another thing you and your mom have in common. I assume you haven't told Derek." He looked at Meredith.  
"No, I wanted to, but… it just wasn't the right time." She sighed.  
"It's been 9 months. How long do you want to wait? Until she needs a donor kidney?" Alex looked at her and they both laughed.  
"I… I'll tell him soon." Meredith nodded. "So first time I tried, I got served with divorce paper, so don't blame me for hesitating."

Boston 15 months ago  
Meredith looked at Jackson's grandfather. He had called her to his office after his trip to Seattle.  
"I don't fit here." She looked up to the monitor where she was able to see where the camera was pointing to.  
"You give up easily" he told her. "Don't cut this"  
"I'm not. I screwed up an appy." She sighed.  
"Almost screwed up." He insisted "That's why I'm here. I'm here to keep you from making mistakes"  
"Believe me, I'm not giving up easily. I just felt like I wanted to vanish so completely so not even I would remember me." Meredith just blured out. Ironically if she had Alzheimer she probably would one day. "No feelings, no memories, the beauty of oblivion. It's not working."  
"But a new start is not easy" Jackson's granddad insisted "Your mother took a while to get used to everything here"  
"How did you feel when Jackson's father left?"  
"Life went on, but it was never the same again. Things change. Dr. Pierce requested you for the rest of the day" he told her.  
"Great."  
"You cannot accept reality just because it seems convenient to walk away from the person you love." He said "Ellis chose to be lonely, if that's what you are worried about. I know you two never had the best relationship but you were all she had. She talked about you a lot in surgery when she knew you wouldn't hear it."  
Meredith had a hard time believing this. Ellis never took notice in everything she did. "She never made me feel like I was good enough. I felt like a constant failure. I'm tired of feeling like I let everyone down." Meredith said.  
"Ellis has been a lot of things, but compassionate wasn't one of them. When she came here I knew she was pregnant." He admitted „I told her that we could work out something, but she insisted in only keeping you. It was her choice."  
„You knew about it all those years?" Meredith wondered. Ellis had never told anybody as far as she was aware.  
„Yes." He said. „I never knew who the dad was"

„Wow, she was very secretive about it." Meredith smiled. „I only found out about the adoption after she died. I didn't remember a single thing about it."  
„It has been the most difficult decision of her life." He said „It changed her. She never loved herself after that because she never felt complete."  
„Unfinished." Meredith nodded „It's hard to comprehend because she might have had this whole other life."  
„You would have had a whole other life, but Ellis chose to live the life she did." He said „But you get to choose the life you live now."  
„Did she hesitate?" Meredith wondered.  
"A surgeon knows what to do" he smiled. "It's intuition"

Baltimore present day  
Alex lurked through the door when Meredith fed Ellis "What are you looking at?" she wondered when she noticed.  
"You and her. I want that. You look like you and her -it was meant to be." He said. "Maybe things happen the way they are supposed to."

 _'_ _Addison yelling at you in front of a patient?'  
_ _'_ _She didn't exactly yell'._ _'_ _Fine she's Satan's whore.'  
_ _'_ _Thank you. So, did you yell back?'  
'No'  
'Dude, you lost your mojo'.  
'Excuse me?'  
'I was trying to talk boy.'_

"Alex Karev has gone soft. Can you tell me how Lexie is doing and Kepner and Bailey? I mean, I know Cristina is doing fine because she got groomed by every hospital in the United States. Dr. Avery asked me to write a letter to her." Meredith giggled.  
"Did you?"  
"No, god no." Meredith laughed.  
"Lexie's with Sloan -for all I know. But she works at Seattle Grace Mercy Death, so I'm sure she's pretty much gonna go crazy or get cancer or shot by a gunman or hit by a truck, so don't get your hopes up for Little Grey's big happily-ever-after." Alex laughed and Meredith joined in "I wasn't anyone's favorite person after you left."  
"I wasn't anyone's favourite person after I left."  
"You are her favorite person." Alex smiled and looked at both of them.  
"You met us on a good day. I didn't have a clue what to do with her -and right now I still feel like I don't have a clue." Meredith giggled "I'm still learning. It's not like I had the best role model."

Boston 15 months ago

Meredith sat on her bed and cried. Nothing was like she had imagined it to be. She was alone. She was forced to work on a trial that she had been meant to work at in Seattle. If she had chosen her mother's path, none of this would have happened and she'd still be in Seattle. She'd still be happy. She couldn't remember the last time they had kissed. She didn't remember the last time they had talked and she kept looking at the picture of them on her nightstand. Tears started to stream down her face and her whole body was in pain. Derek knew where she was, but he didn't care. He had left her as much as she had left him-at least that's what it felt like..  
She looked at her belly and wondered what this baby was going to think about his or her daddy. She thought of Derek and suddenly she felt like she was ready to fall apart. „Maggie, I forgot him for a second and then it all come back to me " Meredith cried and what she said was barely recognizable to Maggie.  
„It's going to be fine, Meredith" Maggie encouraged her „You are strong and you can do this"  
„I never wanted to be like her, but now I am" Meredith continued. „I left all my friends and my family and I'm not scared that I'm not myself here and I'm scared that I am. I'm …"  
"Mer, are you okay?" Maggie wondered.  
„Yeah" Meredith sniffed under her tears. Her whole body hurt. „It just feels so wrong, everything feels so wrong. I have to call him. I want to go back to when George wasn't John Doe and everything was fine. We got married on a post-it"  
Maggie looked at her. So far Meredith hadn't told her much about her life in Seattle – not even about the person who was her biological father, she knew a few bits and pieces about Ellis Grey, but that was it. "He was afraid of commitment?"  
"I was, actually. He would have loved a big wedding, but he loved me and he didn't care. I picked up the phone last night and dialled his cell phone number." Meredith paused and looked at her phone "It was the first time I heard his voice since I came here. I had almost forgotten what it sounds like. It's weird, right?"  
"Did you talk to him?"  
"No, I panicked, I froze, I listened to his voice and... I forgot to move my lips. The last time I wanted to call him I got served with divorce papers the same day."

Baltimore present day

Derek had had a busy day. Between conferences to start the transition of power at John Hopkins and organizing a move with a little child as a single parent, he had little time to enjoy the beauty of his new house. The hospital had organised it. It was a nice suburban neighbourhood and according to his secretary a few other surgeons were living nearby. It seemed like a peaceful neighbourhood with normal people, not the kind of people that would get shot in hospitals or department stores or the kind of people that would get hit by a truck, drown in the bay or be in a bomb explosion. Everything in this neighbourhood screamed 'Ordinary'. It was good to be 'ordinary' for a change.  
"Pancake attack! You better look out, little Zola!" he said playfully while lifting one of the freshly made waffles onto Zola's plate.  
"Eye, daddy! Pan ca!" the girl smiled while he covered the first batch with icing sugar.  
"Do you like your new chair and the new kitchen? You can watch daddy while he's cooking now." Derek smiled. Zola was following his every move with her eyes and it seemed like she wished she could follow him around "Do you know that daddy used to live in a house like this in New York? No, you don't. Do you want blueberries or chocolate chips?"  
"Bluebepy" Zola smiled and looked at her smiling daddy.  
"Okay princess, blueberry it is." He smiled and prepared the next few pancakes.

Not too many minutes later the phone rang. As not too many people knew his new number yet, he wasn't surprised to hear his best friend on the other end of the line "Sick of not talking to adults yet?"  
"Actually, I had a tour around the hospital this morning." Derek said "and now, I'm having breakfast with a beautiful young lady"  
"Found any hot nurses?" Mark smirked.  
"I was more concerned about the equipment, the personell, and Zola's daycare." Derek explained "I mean, she hasn't been there yet, but the kids there seem great"  
"I wish I could come over some time, but Lex needs me, you are lucky you never had to go through a pregnancy with Meredith – that girl is insane right now." Mark said without thinking about it too much "She threw a pan at me last morning. Right now, she's puking her mind out again."

 _"_ _I was pregnant that day. I was pregnant and I lost it."_

 _"_ _I, ahh ... You didn't say anything. I could've helped you."_

"I guess I'm lucky that way." Derek's good mood was gone all of a sudden. He had never gone through a pregnancy with Meredith –and for all he knew he never would.

Boston 15 months ago

Meredith stood in the middle of Harvard's research lab. "Oh, what made you change your mind?" Dr. Springer looked at Meredith in surprise.  
"About the trial? My stupid intern" Meredith laughed.  
"Glad you are on board – Dr. Grey" the surgeon nodded and handed over a binder to her "The testing schedule will be emailed to you. Assign your intern to whatever tasks you deem fit"  
"I'm in charge of the assignments?" Meredith wondered. Basically she was in liberty to assign all the work to her intern if she wanted to.  
"Absolutely, but you'll assist me on an insertion today, you'll do a few procedures in the next couple of weeks and eventually you'll teach Dr. Cho how to do the procedure." He told her "I assume you want to be a general surgeon like your mother. I'd be happy to take you on my service"  
"Thanks" Meredith nodded. General surgery. Did she really want to follow in her mother's footsteps.

Baltimore present day

"What are you doing?" Meredith wondered when she walked into the kitchen. Whatever Alex was doing smelled delicious and she was taken back to the days when Izzie's baking would fill the kitchen with smells of melted chocolate or vanilla.  
"I'm making waffles. This is the first weekend where neither one of us is stuck in surgery" he said " – and we should celebrate the fact that Ellis didn't cry when you dropped her off at daycare yesterday." Alex wanted to enjoy his life for a minute. It was the first time in a while that he had the chance to spend the morning with somebody else.  
Meredith grabbed one waffle on the pile and tried it "You actually made these?  
"I used to make them every Saturday morning for Aaron and Amber. Mom usually wasn't home yet and for two hours we could pretend that we are a normal family." He nodded.

 _'_ _So this Karev guy, you're actually friends with him? That's real?'  
_ _'_ _Yeah. Why?'  
'Uh, just it surprises me, is all. I mean, you don't seem like the type of girl to put up with his whole neanderthal thing, so tell me. What am I missing?'  
'You're missing a lot. He had a girl go crazy on him. His wife almost died, and then she walked out on him. And then he was shot and almost bled to death in an elevator. He's been through a lot. So the neanderthal thing is just... It is an act. A well-executed one.'_

"So why don't we pretend for a little while?" Meredith laughed while trying to chew the waffle that filled her entire mouth. Pretence felt good for the moment.  
"You are smiling." He smiled. In fact Meredith's was glowing.  
"I hope you will excuse my temporary outburst of emotions." She told him and put Ellis into her chair.  
"I like it when you are smiling." Alex told her.  
"and I like it when you are cooking. I would have moved here a lot sooner if I had known that you know how to make waffles." Meredith told him. It was weird that they had lived together for so long and she had never gotten to know this side of him.  
"They said the new Chief is going to start on Monday." Alex suggested while the two of them ate waffles.  
"So that's what the assembly at 8.30am is about?" Meredith looked at the calendar in her phone. She'd have to hurry to drop off Ellis on time to make it.  
"Yeah, big speech. I wonder who they hired!" Alex laughed.  
"I don't care as long as he doesn't cut my research budget." Meredith sighed "I'd be really pissed if they did"  
"You almost won a Harper Avery Award – they would be stupid. You could just pack up your stuff and leave." Alex said "I'd kick their asses if they made you leave, but you could. You're probably as popular as Yang"  
"Ellis used to do this. We used to move every other year – I don't want to do this." Meredith said "You said all those things about putting down some roots and I want to do this."  
"Do you know what you are going to do?" Alex wondered.  
"No, for the first time since med school I don't have a clue what's ahead of me." Meredith smiled " I mean I'll go to work and cut into people's bowels, but I just arrived here and after all this mess in Seattle and Boston I'm in a good set of mind. I actually believe that somehow everything is going to work out. It's crazy, isn't it?"  
"No, Mer, it's good. I'm glad you are fine." Alex paused "Even though you said those words so many times now..." he couldn't finish the sentence because they both started to laugh. It felt good to be around someone familiar again.  
They grew silent and ate their waffles in tranquillity "Do you know that you were the only one that kept calling my cell?" Meredith wondered. "Everyone stopped after a while –except you"  
"I figured that you listened to a few." Alex looked at Meredith.  
"I heard about 500 different excuses." Meredith nodded "Should I talk to him? I mean I did try to talk to him after the ceremony, but he wasn't there."  
"You should tell him about her. If it wasn't for me, he'd know." Alex swallowed. If it wasn't for him, they'd probably be sitting in their house in the woods.  
"If it wasn't for you I would have starved to death." Meredith giggled "Those are really good."  
"OH, there are a few good places for takeout close by." Alex laughed "you might not believe this, but I guess housewives these days can't cook either."

Boston 15 months ago

Meredith looked at the data sheets in front of her and wondered what she had gotten herself into. It was a huge trial. Hundreds of patients across the country, ten years of data, thousands of applications of potential participants. "I need someone who organises the trial, you manage it. We insert four devices a month – just like the other twenty centres. You are in charge of checking the data and decide who gets to participate" the supervisor told her.  
"Is there a list of criteria you want me to screen for?" Meredith wondered. "and who has been in charge of this before? There doesn't seem to be a system. This pile is a mess"  
"The resident who was in charge before you came got fired" the surgeon said.  
"Why?" Meredith wondered "Did she try to temper with the trial data?"  
"No, she wasn't a good surgeon" he said and looked at Meredith "No messing up here, Dr. Grey. I trust you – I need to trust your judgement."  
"Dr. Bailey from Seattle Grace Mercy West send over this data today" he said and Meredith grabbed the file. 'Henry Burton' – she knew the name. She knew the signature on the application. – 'Cristina Yang' She flipped through the data.  
"What do you think?" he wondered "How would you assess the application? Walk me through it"  
"Medically he's a good candidate" Meredith sighed.  
"But? What's your concern?"  
"A similar device has been inserted last year" Meredith said "so there might be scaring and ... I'm not certain whether he has the support system he needs"  
"Why would he need a support system?" he eyed her suspiciously.  
"I just wanted to point out that he doesn't have one" Meredith said "But you should admit him"  
"Do you have a support system, Dr. Grey?"  
"I don't need one"  
"Everybody needs one. It makes things easier"

Baltimore present day

"What's that?" Meredith looked at one of the envelopes on the counter. It was the first letter she had received in Baltimore. The hospital had forwarded it to her home address. "Can you open it?"  
"You've been invited to attend a conference." He told her. "Fancy thing"  
"Well, let me see this." She looked at the letter until she read to the line where they listed the other key note speaker "I can't go."  
"Why?" Alex wondered.  
"Derek is going and talking about his award winning trial. They want both of us to talk about the implications and findings of our research. I can't take Ellis because he's there" Meredith laughed "and I can't find a sitter with two weeks notice for an entire weekend. You are working... and Maggie's mom is in Boston and..."  
"Would you go if it was anyone but him?" Alex wondered.  
"I… I don't know…" Meredith sighed.  
"You had a nightmare last night. And you crawled into my bed." Alex confronted her "Do you want to tell me what that was about?"  
"I needed to hear somebody's breath. Don't look at me like that, I'm not a nut job. I just couldn't sleep." Meredith said "Ellis is starting to speak or to make sounds and I kept dreaming that her first question would be 'where's my daddy'"  
"I'm not saying that you are, but we should get going." Alex reminded her. "The new Chief is coming today."  
"And you wouldn't want to be late on your first day… or his first day… or whatever…" Meredith rolled her eyes and put away her cup of coffee before she went to Ellis room.

Meredith held on to Ellis. "You'll be fine. I know you miss Maggie, but she's not here because she's saving lives. And you have to be quiet because you need to go to bed and mommy wants to take a shower and go to the bath room for thirty minutes"  
"Oh, you want to look good for the new Chief" Alex stood at the door.  
"No, I don't know why they make such a fuzz." Meredith snarked "Why all the secrecy? I mean everyone acts like he's God's given gift to surgery. And, for the record, I don't have to look good -I almost won a Harper Avery Award"  
"and your baby daddy did" Alex teased her.  
"Shut up" Meredith mumbled and left the residents' lounge.

Boston 15 months ago

Maggie looked at Meredith who was sitting on a bed in an on call room "What are you thinking about?"  
"Just... when is something good gonna happen? When is... when is there gonna be a little..." Meredith paused. She didn't know what she was looking for.  
"Magic?" Maggie interrupted Meredith's process of thought "Yeah, that's the unending question"  
"Nothing's perfect, Nothing's ever perfect . What am I going to do with her?" Meredith wondered.  
"Have you thought about what you want to do?" Maggie wondered "I think you have made your mind up and you are looking for validation"  
"I don't know if I can have it." Meredith admitted. She feared to be like her mother.  
"Abortion?"  
"Yeah, I considered, but it's too late." Meredith sighed "But you turned out okay and for a moment I thought you had a pretty great life -and I would hope that my daughter will get to go to a home - a home with a mom and dad who always wanted a little girl. A mom and a dad of her very own who will love her so much because they're gonna see how special she is".  
"You said you two have been trying to conceive for months." Maggie interrupted her.  
"I'm alone here. You've seen the divorce papers." Meredith stated "It's just me, myself and"  
" -me. Meredith, people do this. Your mother did it and I'm your sister. I can help you" Maggie offered.  
"I raised myself. She was about as nurturing as a steak knife." Meredith giggled.  
"And you don't have to make any decisions now." Maggie assured her. "Don't you worry, there's still time"  
"Where's your ring?" Meredith interrupted her "The stone wasn't big enough to begin with, but the rest of the ring is gone too."  
"It's a sustainable... I don't want a blood diamond." Maggie tried to get out of Meredith's grasp.  
"I never wore my ring. It's still in my jewellery box. I guess I should return it to his mother." Meredith sighed "So why are you not wearing yours?"  
"I had surgery... and... it doesn't feel right."  
"Like you know that you are driving towards a cliff, but you keep going even though you know that you should brake, but you just don't kick the pedal. -and you... yo know you will fall down, crash, and cross the line." Meredith nodded. She was in free fall – awaiting the moment of contact.  
"I keep asking myself if that's it. Is this supposed to be my life? School, Med school, residency, work, marriage, maybe a couple of kids, a nice house, is this supposed to be it..." Maggie paused "I'm 26"  
"Maggie, from an outsider's perspective that's a good life..." Meredith told her and left the room.


	8. Chapter 8

_Thanks for the reviews, follows and favs! I'm glad you like the story! Let me know how you like this one... Derek's first day at John Hopkins_

* * *

 **Chapter 8**

* * *

 _Seattle 14 months ago_  
Meredith's words echoed in his mind ' _I believe that we can be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart'._ He wondered whether he would have applied for the brain mapping initiative grant while she was still around. She had ended his Alzheimers trial –and he had to move on with his life.  
"I brought chicken noodle soup" April smiled when she came into the conference room where Lexie, Callie and Derek sat. "Dr. Sloan told me to get you something" Neither one looked up or acknowledged the fact that she was there. "Fine, I'll just sit down here and eat"  
"Thank you, Dr. Kepner" Derek nodded without looking up from his microscope.  
"and he told me that I'm not supposed to leave until you ate it" she insisted, but all of them ignored her once again. She looked at the container and sighed "I guess I'll be here for a while" Again no one in the room reacted to what she said. There was the busy atmosphere of a university library shortly before finals.  
"Okay" Lexie nodded.  
"You can have a look at the data Kepner" Derek told her and handed over two binders to her.  
"Yeah, I'm here all night anyway if neither one of you eats anything" she rolled her eyes. "What are you looking for?"  
"Irregularities –and patterns" Callie said "He doesn't know what he's doing yet"  
"So we are looking for something, but we don't know what we are looking for?" April tried to understand what the task was.

* * *

 _Baltimore present day_

She was late again. Her hair was not quite dry and Ellis had cried again when she had tried to drop her off at day-care. Today was not a good day. It was 8.40 am and she was late for the assembly. Suddenly she bumped into someone with a white coat. Time froze and their eyes met.

„Meredith…" he said hesitantly „I didn't realize…" She was standing right in front of her. He had checked the staff list and except Dr. Karev he had seen no name that seemed familiar. What was she doing here?

Meredith looked at him. She was just as surprised as she was. Meredith wore lavender scrubs – those scrubs were part of the reason she had accepted the fellowship position at John Hopkins. Harper Avery's recommendation had opened every door of every hospital to her after she had completed her residency, but she had chosen John Hopkins for a reason.

„Derek" she whispered like she had just bumped into a ghost from her past. She hadn't been so close to him ever since she had left Seattle and he still looked the same and he was wearing lavender scrubs too, which meant that he was either in for a consult or working here. As he kept looking into her eyes she started to ramble. One look into her eyes and every part of her brain stopped functioning "Derek. I have to go. I'm late which isn't what you want to be when your new boss arrives. Well, technically he's my boss's boss, but, you know what I'm saying. I have to hurry. There's an assembly in the hall."

"You are late for that. It was supposed to start ten minutes ago" Derek noted. He knew because he was late. Zola had cried when he had dropped her off and he had spend the next twenty minutes in his office questioning his decision to move.

"Lizzie didn't want me to leave. She hasn't settled in at day-care the way I hoped she would. Ellis has been acting up lately." Meredith said. Ellis had taken up all her free time in the past six months. Why did she mention her anyway? He wasn't supposed to find out.

"You work here." He said because he couldn't quite piece together what was going on.

"Yeah, I haven't stolen those scrubs because I look so damn sexy in them." She joked and started to walk faster to get to the assembly hall "What are you doing here anyway?"

"They offered me Chief." Derek smirked.

"You are the new Chief of surgery?" she turned around and looked at him in horror.

"Yeah, and I have to get going. I think they summoned all the surgeons in the assembly hall." Derek smiled and walked pass her "and I've been told I'm 10 minutes late. So goodbye, Dr. Grey"

Meredith looked at him for a second and waited until Derek was out of sight "Gosh, I hate my life." She whispered and tried to sneak into the assembly hall.

* * *

 _Seattle 14 months ago_  
Game nights had always been a part of Arizona's, Callie's and Mark's weekly routine. They'd meet on a week night and talk about Sofia and the week they had had. Ever since Derek had shown up with Zola one night, he had been a part of this. "Derek, it's your turn! Christ, did you fall asleep again?" Arizona looked at her mate. His head was resting on his hand while he held cards with his left hand.  
Mark nodded and tried to wake him "He did. What's the matter with you?"  
He opened his eyes and mumbled "Zola is a handful –and I'm on my own. I fell asleep in the parking lot last night. I actually slept for twenty minutes. How do you do it?!"  
"There are three of us" Callie stated. It took a village to raise a child – and that was what they had.  
"It's pretty handy" Arizona nodded. Whenever someone needed a time out, they got it.  
"I'm on my own" Derek sighed. Last night Zola had cried for three hours and he had spend the rest of the night trying to get back to sleep. .  
"I could take her one night per week –make things easier for you." Mark offered graciously.  
"Thanks man!" Derek accepted. "I'm out" He put his cards down.  
"Why don't you get a good night's sleep?" Callie wondered "We don't have to finish this game.  
"You guys shouldn't" Derek said "I should be able to do this"  
"You are miserable, Derek. Your mom took me in, you are family" Mark smiled. "I'll take care of Zola tomorrow and you get rested. Go fishing or something"

* * *

 _Baltimore present day_

She had managed to listen to every word he had said, but as soon as the meeting had been dismissed, she had left. Not even Alex had managed to get a hold of her and now she was hiding in a supply closet. She told herself to be strong, to keep breathing. "I'm freaking out here" she told Maggie whom she had called.  
"What's the matter?" her sister wondered. "Why do you call me in the middle of surgery?"  
"Derek is here – and it turns out he's my boss -he's everybody's boss. He's..." Meredith stopped. The moment she had always dreaded had come. She knew that there was no way to go back and correct every little mistake. Derek was here.  
"in Baltimore" Maggie concluded.  
"Yes, Sherlock. Apparently this Harper Avery thing... ugh, I hate my life... and Lizzie is in daycare, but I can't go and see her because" her rambling stopped when she heard a knock on the door.  
"Still hiding in supply closets?" the person on the other side wanted to know. He was the reason she couldn't risk going up to day-care. Meredith hung up the phone and looked to the ceiling. She knew the voice. She'd recognize it under a thousand voices, under a million. Listening to it gave her chills.  
"I'm not going to dignify that with an answer" she sighed. She was – she was back to hiding in supply closets.  
"I'm worried" he insisted. "I wouldn't have chosen this situation either. Meredith, I left Seattle because of you"  
"Did you? Don't McDreamy me! You served me with divorce papers, you treated me like I was the worst person ever. So don't McDreamy me!" she opened the door hastily and walked pass him.

 _"We should forget it ever happened."  
"What? You sleeping with me last night? Or you throwing me out this morning? 'Cause both are fond memories I'd like to hang on to."  
"No, there will be no more memories. I'm not the girl in the bar anymore and you're not the guy. This can't exist. You get that, right?"_

"I saw you in OR's and I even thought I saw you at day care last week- which is crazy." He tried to tell her, but she interrupted him "Why are you telling me all those things? Dr. Shepherd, I'm a fellow and you are my boss. I'd appreciate it if you would respect our professional relationship and refrain from whatever you are doing here."  
"I'm just casually talking to one of my employees. Who were you talking to on the phone?" he smirked. He knew he was making her uncomfortable.  
"Nobody" she insisted. "This can't exist. You get that, right?"

* * *

 _Seattle 14 months ago…_  
Lexie and Jackson looked at the stars in the night sky wishing they were shooting stars. Neither of them said a word. The air was clear and it was cold enough to see your breath. "It's quiet out here." Lexie said while she and Jackson looked at the illuminated town. Jackson was covering the night shift and for Lexie it was another long night in the lab.

„My favourite place in the hospital. It's like time freezes." He said and thought of all the times he and April had been up here after the shooting "And you notice how insignificant you are. When I was a kid I used to go up to the roof and watch the ambulances coming in. It's like they come and go in their very own choreography." He wondered if Meredith ever went up to the roof in Boston.

"Not only time freezes…when you just look at the city, you and your problems seem so insignificant." Lexie said. „It's freezing" The seasons were changing. It wouldn't be too long before the first snow would hit the ground.

„Do you want my jacket?" Jackson smiled and walked up to where Lexie stood. He had started to unzip his jackets when she stopped him.

"No, I'm fine." Lexie looked at him. Feeling cold meant feeling something. "The city looks so peaceful… and look at the stars… like … I don't know, like nothing could go wrong, like you are stuck in this moment forever. It seems like the perfect moment."

„And all the worries seem so small." Jackson nodded.

„What does Harper Avery's grandson have to worry about?" Lexie wondered and looked at Jackson. Even in the cold he looked incredibly hot.

„Everything" Jackson said and looked around. „I miss Meredith. Everything change since she left... Yang, I mean she's still Yang, but it's like a part of her was missing and you, you are different."

"Nobody connects with Yang except her." Lexie joked. "Mer still doesn't answer her phone. I wish I at least knew where she was. Do you ever feel like everybody around you leaves? I mean my mom died, and Molly left, and Meredith left and... Mark babysits Derek"

„I'm sure she's fine" Jackson rolled his eyes. He could have told her.  
"She's always fine" Lexie sighed "If anyone could tell me where she was, I'd be better. All I'm asking for is one phone call and someone who tells me that she is fine". Jackson closed his eyes. He had promised Meredith something –and this was a promise he would keep.

* * *

 _Baltimore present day_

Meredith was happy to be home. Between doing her job, handling all the praise Derek got from everyone and hiding from him, it had been a hectic day. She had never imagined to run into Derek like this.

 _Sometimes we'll be in the same place at exactly the same time, and I can almost hear her voice. It's like I'm touching her. I like to believe she knows I'm there. That's all you get. That's it. Moments with the people you love. And they'll move on, and you'll want them to move on, but still, Meredith, that is all you get. Moments._

They had more than moments. She had literally crashed into him and he knew she had been there. They had touched and... he seemed okay. She called Maggie to catch up. "Ellis looks good. How was day-care? How's the new Chief?" Maggie asked the same question over question. She was still confused that Meredith had called and hung up without a warning.  
"I told you" Meredith looked at the peaceful garden outside Alex' house "He's a divorced Harper-Avery winning neuro surgeon who provided 50% of Ellis' DNA."  
"Derek Shepherd? He's the new Chief? I thought he hated being Chief." Maggie said "and I thought you were kidding. You guys are like a romance novel" A telenovela, a drama, a tragedy – Meredith couldn't quite decide on a genre yet.  
"That's what I thought, but he's here. – and... he... we talked or he tried to talk and I freaked. I mean... I have to tell him... and I don't know how." He looked at the kitchen. Waffle Sundays. She had been happy here yesterday and now her life had turned into a horror show again.  
"Do it as fast as possible!" Maggie insisted. She was right, Meredith knew she was right. But how would she do it? Was there a right way? Was there any way?

* * *

 _Seattle 14 months ago_  
"Okay, baby girl, we are home now and it's been a long week. Do you know what that means?" Derek whispered into Zola's ear. He was looking forward to taking a warm bath.  
Suddenly he was interrupted by someone in his kitchen "Yeah, her daddy and his best friend will hit the bar down the street and check out whether her daddy is still as irresistible as her uncle Mark." Mark smirked.  
"No, I need a little time for myself-" Derek insisted  
"Two weeks are a little time to yourself, four months on the other side, unhealthy..." Mark told him "Lexie will be here in 20 minutes"  
"I need time Mark" Derek tried to talk Mark out of it "she was the"  
"love of your life? You divorced her in a heartbeat when they told you it was the only way to get Zola back. You didn't hesitate. You called the lawyer, you didn't even talk to her and you don't talk about it. Lexie doesn't know how to talk to you because you act like she's dead."  
"She's dead to me! She did this! She betrayed me! She ruined my career! He walked out on me!" Derek yelled  
"Yang said you told her to get lost!" Mark looked at him "She did what you told her to do"  
"You are talking to Yang?"  
"Lexie talked to her, I talked to Lexie. Look at me Derek! This can't continue... it's just one drink!" Mark insisted "You have to get out into the world... and I'm not talking about the zoo here. You are too young and too pretty to die alone..."  
"It's been a long week and I'm not ready." Derek told him "You should call Lexie, she can go to the cinema or whatever..."

* * *

 _Baltimore present day_

"You two have a daughter!" Alex took the bottle away from her "and I'm…  
"I know!" Meredith nodded "I just wish that I never left Boston because being me sucks and…"  
"and Derek is here -and the way Lizzie looks it's not going to be long until they put two and two together." Alex nodded "He's going to find out eventually."

 _"_ _I know you don't like me, and you have every right not to like me. I have abused my power, but now I'm here on your turf. What I need to say... What I need to say is I saw what your mother was doing. I saw how neglected you were, I saw her drive your father off. And, I spent a lot of time beating myself up about that. But, what does that do for you? Nothing. Nothing!"_

"What am I supposed to do? Walk up to him while he's having a discussion with my boss about something and tell him, well Derek, we haven't talked in eighteen months, but there's something I really need to tell you." Meredith rehearsed the situation.  
"Well, there's something you really need to tell him." Alex insisted. "Just tell him, quick and dirty – like ripping off a band-aid"

 _"_ _I let myself off the hook. I told myself I was young, and didn't know any better. But, I did know better. I wasn't much younger than you are now. I should have fought for you Meredith."_

"When I found out I was pregnant, I was really planning on telling him, but he served me with divorce papers." Meredith insisted.  
"They told him that his only chance to get Zola back was to get a divorce" Alex informed her "He was crying over it on Arizona's couch."

 _"_ _I told myself that I wasn't your father, that it wasn't my responsibility, that I was right not to butt in. I let myself off the hook. You were helpless. You were a baby. A beautiful, smart, funny little girl, and no one stood up for you."_

"What is this?" Alex wondered when he looked through Ellis' diaper bag.  
"Anatomy Jane" Meredith said surprised. She had left this doll behind twice. How did it get there? "That's my anatomy Jane. How did it get here?"  
"I guess it's Zola's." Alex looked at it.  
"Zola? Derek adopted Zola?" Meredith looked at him. It was like asking about another life she could have lived.  
"Yeah, and he didn't have a clue what he was doing. When she was teething he showed up at Arizona's apartment in the middle of the night. He was so scared and so worried" Alex smirked. "I stayed over at their place that night"  
"He tried to get Zola back?" Meredith wondered.  
"He got her back." Alex nodded.  
"Derek got Zola back? It's what I told him to do. He got Zola back" Meredith nodded."He used to be great with kids. I don't get why he'd be so clueless with his own."  
"He was cute" Alex corrected her.  
"Zola is a cute girl. Arizona loved doing check-ups with her" Alex told her "Cristina gave her Anatomy Jane. She found her when they cleaned out your locker."  
"I want to punch him, but I can't" Meredith was on the verge of a mental breakdown. It was hard to hold on. She had tried to keep it together for another day, she knew that she had to tell him, but the uncertain reaction made her weary.


	9. Chapter 9

_They met... and now they have to figure out how to exist around each other again + there's still this big secret and Derek doesn't have a clue that there is a secret yet... so... thanks for the feedback... I'm glad you enjoy the story! It was so much fun writing it! Let me know what you are thinking about this one ;)  
_

* * *

 **Chapter 9**

* * *

 _Boston 13 months ago_

Meredith folded little pieces of clothes. Today she had walked along a baby store and felt the strong desire to go in and look at things. While she had struggled with a decision, it had been easy once she had made the first step. Going into the shop and looking at things felt right. It felt like the best think she had done in the past 5 months. "You bought baby clothes?" Maggie peaked into Meredith's wardrobe. "You could have said something. I love to go into those stores"  
"I'll keep her." Meredith smiled "She's mine –and I think I can do it. I bought a milk pump and socks. Look at those little socks!"  
"What happened?" Maggie looked surprised."You don't just walk into a store and buy things"  
"Someone told me that parenting is more than onesies and bassinets. It's a lifelong commitment- no matter how long or short that life is. I can be that, I can be enough for her." Meredith handed over the chart to Maggie. An organ retrieval for a newborn in L.A. A mother was giving up the organs of her new born that had been born without a brain. Meredith was supposed to get the kidney for a patient of theirs. "I'll get over him and she'll have a wonderful childhood."  
"Heartbreak is temporary. At least that's what my mother said." Maggie nodded "Just a reminder of the way you found air when your lungs didn't have enough to breathe. You'll be a great mom"

* * *

 _Baltimore present day_

"Dr. Shepherd" Meredith came into the room with a big smile and tried to imitate the admiring voice of her residents. She tried to act as normal as possible around him –or as normal people would try to act around him. They both knew that the smile was fake and that she was mocking the residents that gathered around Derek almost all the time like he knew every answer to every question.  
Derek sat at his desk "Dr. Shepherd?" Derek laughed. He thought of the day she had come into his office and called him Dr. Shepherd in Seattle. They had closed the blinds and had checked whether the table in his office was as stable as it looked. This was not in the cards now.  
"Well, if you're going to act like some random surgeon with a God complex, I'm going to speak to you like one." She insisted "You paged me."  
"Mer, It's a beautiful day, isn't it?" he asked and handed her a cup of coffee. She rolled her eyes. It had been the fourteenth day he had paged her to his office in the morning.  
"What do you want?" she looked at him. His request didn't seem urgent. Yesterday he had asked whether she needed to increase the budget for her research, the day before yesterday he had wondered if she needed any baby clothes and three days ago he had wondered if Zola and Ellis wanted to meet for a play date."I have patients."  
"Coffee" he insisted. "You keep declining my proposals, don't turn this one down"  
"It's this New York juju thing, is it?" she wondered. Addison had brought her coffee once.  
"Are you going to accept it, if I say yes?" he wondered. He knew that she was trying to push him away; he sensed that he made her uncomfortable, but he was not willing to let it go.  
"I guess" she nodded. There was nothing like bad juju "Just give me the cup. It won't change how hard my life sucks right now" She turned her back to him and took a sip.  
"I never stopped thinking about you" He looked at her back. She stopped drinking, rolled her eyes and turned around. He had a way of messing with her head.  
"Dr. Shepherd, this is inappropriate. Don't look at me like that" she told him.  
"Like what?" he chuckled.  
"Like you've seen me naked" Meredith mumbled and walked away "But thank you for the coffee... I'm getting a page from the ER. I guess that's more urgent than our little meeting"

* * *

 _Boston 13 months ago_

"I'm getting fat. I need new scrub pants" Meredith sighed when she sat down next to Maggie in the OR gallery.  
"You are breeding a human being. The weight gain is to be expected -especially during the second trimester" Maggie said matter of fact without ever looking Meredith's way.  
"Don't doctor me. My feet are killing me." Meredith complained "Long night"  
"You scrubbed in on the GSW?" Maggie wondered.  
"Yes -and you were asleep" Meredith nodded.  
"I wasn't on call and it was great to sleep in my own bed." Maggie nodded.  
"My bed" Meredith reminded her.  
"Your bed. Yes" Maggie nodded "Dean was there this morning. He brought coffee"  
"Have you told your mom so you can move out?" Meredith wondered. Two nights ago Maggie had shown up at her door. "Or are you two getting back together?"  
"No" Maggie sighed. She didn't know how to tell him. She wasn't ready to get married. "I was going to, but I was paged and now I'm here again"  
"I'm not going to do that sister thing again." Meredith sighed "I'm not good at it"  
"You don't have to, I'm moving out by the end of the week." Maggie got up and left. "I'll be out in a minute"  
"No, don't go. I suck at being a sister" Meredith insisted. "I'm not used to having one, but apparently they keep showing up. So, please sit down, I'm sorry"  
"I picked up my stuff from his place today after work" Maggie told Meredith.  
"That explains the boxes in the hall. But it's fine, they can stay there- it's not like I could move them anyway." Meredith laughed "I had a sister -in Seattle. Two actually! My dad had two daughters with his new wife. The older one is doing her residency at Seattle Grace Mercy West. When she walked into my life... it didn't start off all too well."  
"Did you tell her to stay out of her life?" Maggie laughed.  
"I did actually" Meredith nodded.  
"So it's not personal" Maggie nodded.  
"No, you aren't this special" Meredith joked, but got more sincere immediately "It's just, I'm... I'm not a good sister"  
"What's her name?" Maggie wondered.  
"Lexie. She's a lot like you -perky, bright and shiny."  
"You could call her" Maggie suggested "You got divorced from Derek, but that doesn't mean that you have to stop talking to your friends"  
"I... I can't. It's not a good idea." Meredith insisted "You can stay at my apartment if you want"

* * *

 _Baltimore present day_

Meredith and Alex stood in the paediatric ICU and looked at their charts. Meredith had a few routine surgeries scheduled for the day. "One of my interns said that Derek tried to ask you out" Alex looked at Meredith. He knew that she'd get paged to Derek's office every day "I figure you haven't told him". If she had, those pages would have stopped by now. Alex knew that Derek would be mad. The page from the ER had turned into a case of intern incompetentus. "One of my interns paged me to ask if it was okay to stitch up a head lack."  
"Derek asked me out for coffee –and he bought coffee" Meredith nodded "He's been doing it since before he mentioned that he was the Chief of Surgery and every morning after that" Derek had been very persistent.  
Alex looked at her sternly. She knew what he was thinking and they had discussed the issue at great length. She knew that she had to tell Derek about Ellis-or about the fact that Ellis was his daughter.

"You think I should go" she sighed. Her cole patient was waiting for her.  
"Well, you have a lot to talk about" he reminded her. "I'm finished for the day. I'll take Lizzie home and you go and talk to him. You know I'm right"  
"I know" she nodded. "Give her a kiss for me and I told you Maggie was the only one that is allowed to call her Lizzie"  
"I like Lizzie better than Ellis. Ellis Grey was this scary woman, Lizzie is this sweet baby" Alex chuckled "Your mom was way too intimidating"

* * *

 _Boston 13 months ago_

It was late at night. Meredith sat in a lab and looked at the blood results of 100 mice that had been inserted with a device throughout the past four weeks. She was working on the analysis of the data when Dr. Springer, the lead researcher, walked in. "Takes me back to residency. When life was simple"  
"You see, I have a hard time picturing you as an intern." Meredith laughed. Dr. Springer was a guy in his early 50s. "Taking crap from your attending"  
"By year 2 they all hated me" Dr. Springer joked.  
"It took them that long?" Meredith giggled while they went through their logs.  
"You have to go home, Dr. Grey. You've been here all day" he insisted. He knew how hard she was working.  
"I'm too close to quit now" Meredith insisted.  
"Dr. Grey, you need to learn that there are times when it's vital to wait." He smiled softly "Time's on our side. I f we don't get it right the first time, we'll get it right the next time."  
"I'm worried about the scaring" she continued, but he tried to calm her down.  
"Dr. Grey, trust me on this one: It's just a matter of time. We could have a drink." He suggested.  
"I'm pregnant" Meredith tried to remind him.  
"Oh, in that case I'll drive you home and make sure you get some rest." He offered.  
"You don't have to"  
"I do, you need to learn how to take care of yourself and until you do, I'll do it. What does the father think about all those late nights?" he wondered. When his wife had been pregnant, he had been worried sick most of the time she had been at work.  
"He doesn't know -he's in Seattle. He doesn't know about the late nights." Meredith clarified. Derek didn't know about the fact that she was pregnant either, but the late nights were none of his concern anymore.  
"My wife was exhausted all the time." He explained "I used to give her a foot rub when I came home while she read medical journals. She used to be a surgeon."  
"Used to be?" Meredith sensed that there was a reason he had used perfect.  
"Parkinson's disease" he stated.  
"I'm sorry" she said.  
"It's manageable. -just not as a surgeon, but there are good and bad days" he sighed.  
"I got fired from my last job for tempering with a trial." Meredith disclosed.  
"I know, I read your file" Dr. Springer nodded. Dr. Avery told me a few things about you.  
"You knew?" Meredith looked surprised "You were willing to risk your reputation for me?"  
"I believe in second chances, and the power of healing. Let's get you home, Dr. Grey"

* * *

 _Baltimore present day_

"What's the matter?" the resident who was assisting on Meredith's surgery wondered when all of their pagers went off. Every single person in the OR looked at their pager.  
"Is your pager going off too?" Meredith wondered. She didn't have a clue what a 985 was.  
"Lock down protocol - usually this doesn't last very long." One of the nurses explained "It's usually just a kid gone missing or"  
" ... a gun man. Armed shooter in front of the ER." Another resident told them. "I just got a text from the ER" Meredith froze. The OR was directly above the ER.  
"Okay, everyone, all non essential personal sit down over there and close all blinds. Is it safe to bring the patient to post op?" Meredith looked at the nurse "We haven't started and I'm sure they need this OR."  
"I guess" she nodded. "We'll take him upstairs" Meredith told herself to keep breathing, to stay calm.  
"This happens all the time, sweetie" one of the scrub nurses told her. "This is Baltimore. It's usually just a gang or two and they dump their people in front of the ER".

"They are coming with a victim. Can you operate Dr. Grey?" another nurse wondered.  
"I'm not a trauma surgeon" Meredith reminded her "Can you page trauma?"  
"Well, the hospital us under lock down. The ER and OR 5 to 8 are in a separate unit. Unless they are already here, they won't get here" the nurse explained.  
The OR doors opened and a resident came in with a gurney "He threw himself in front of a kid. The bullet is stuck in the wall. It passed right through, but it nicked an artery." All of a sudden Meredith froze. She knew the black curls and the blue eyes –and the ferryboat scrub cap.  
"Derek... oh my God. Prep the table and get two units of A +" she ordered. She knew his blood type and it was better than getting O neg in a situation where somebody else might need it. Two hours ago she had reluctantly accepted the cup of coffee he had bought and now he was right there on her table.  
"I told you we'd get a chance to talk" he said. She knew he was under considerable pain and blood was pouring from his wound. There wasn't a lot of time to re-establish blood flow  
"I'm fine Dr. Grey." Derek insisted. All of a sudden flashbacks of the last shooting flashed up in her head. She had to push through. 'You have a daughter, he has a daughter, you got this!' she told herself.  
"You got shot. Again. You are not fine, but you will be because you are not going to leave orphans." She insisted. Orphans. She had said it. He was in too much pain to notice, but she knew that she had to fix him. Ellis needed to meet him – he needed to find out about her..  
"You..." Derek tried to say something, but was in too much pain. It was only now that Meredith realized the immediate danger they were in.  
"and nobody enters this OR or leaves it. Lock the doors! Close the blinds" Meredith insisted when the nurse returned with the blood from the blood bank.  
"Your hand is shaking. Dr. Grey" the resident told her.  
"I'll be fine. I don't freeze in a crisis, remember?" she whispered to Derek "You are going to go under now and I'll fix you... don't you pull of some stunt."  
"I promise!" he smiled.  
 _'_ _I'm not gonna die.'  
'Good. Because that would be the worst break-up ever.'_

* * *

 _Boston 13 months ago_

"Why are you staring at my belly?"Meredith looked at Maggie.  
"It has gotten huge. It wasn't like it last week" she said.  
"It's what happens during pregnancy!" Meredith giggled.  
"How's your back?" Maggie wondered.  
"Killing me! But I need the hours!" Meredith sighed "How's Dean?"  
"He asked me why I didn't stay in bed. He likes to spoon -and honestly I do not. I can't sleep with someone. I'm too good at being alone." Maggie said "All those nights in on call rooms"  
"I lay awake last night. She was kicking and I couldn't stop thinking about him -I mean I left months ago, but it's different – he used to be away all the time, but it's different because I know he won't be back -and he won't sleep next to me again. It's like I can't sleep alone" Meredith said.  
"You're not alone. You'll have her and you have me." Maggie smiled "and my mom likes you. Maybe she'll adopt you too."  
"I can't have sex with you" Meredith insisted. "I'm not into girls"  
"You're thinking about having sex?" Maggie asked surprised.  
"No, my hormones got the better of me – Derek is gone and who would have sex with a whale?" Meredith sighed.  
"So his name is Derek" Maggie concluded. "You never mentioned his name before"  
"Yeah, his name was Derek" Meredith nodded "and he told me to leave the state."

* * *

 _Baltimore present day_

Two years ago she couldn't have done this – now she had to. No GSW was the same. She remembered Cristina's words. There was no blue print. It was half intuition and half impro. "Have you done this before?" her intern wondered.  
"Yes, actually, we had a shooting during my third year of residency. Dr. Shepherd was shot, a trauma surgeon was shot, I took care of him, and another friend of mine has been shot. Two residents I closely worked with died."  
"Wow." She nodded "Who would have thought that you were so scary because you lived through so much scary shit?"  
"I'm not hard on you because I want to be mean, I'm hard on you because I want you to learn and I want you to be able to do what I'm doing right now, when you need to" Meredith smiled "There's shrapnel close to the point where bullet entered. Can you remove it?"  
"You know Dr. Shepherd? It sounded like you know him" the resident tried to start a conversation  
"Oh, we go way back. He came to Seattle Grace when I started my intern year. We did a clinical trial together. I was really close to specialising in neuro" Meredith laughed. "But let's stop the small talk, I don't want to kill him –and I haven't done this kind of procedure in a while"

Two hours later he opened his eyes."You are back!" Meredith smiled. It was the first thing Derek saw when he woke up from his anaesthesia, but his vision got blurry for a moment and all of a sudden he was surrounded by nurses and residents.  
"What's happening? Derek!" Meredith mumbled "You don't get to die on me!"  
"Put him on the table...and lift up his legs" the resident told one of the nurses "He'll be fine, Dr Grey".

Derek regained consciousness "You had us scared there..." Meredith whispered when he opened his eyes. She checked his reflex with a light.  
"Told you I was fine." He said with a weak voice.  
"No need to play the valiant here, Dr. Shepherd. Just rest on Dr. Grey's lap" the nurse told him. Meredith looked surprised because she had to fight her inner instinct to move away as far as possible from him, but she couldn't.  
"A coward dies many times before thy death, the valiant never tastes death but once. Ouch." He whispered. Meredith rolled her eyes. Why was he quoting Shakespeare's dramas?  
"I can't stay like this. Just get him a pillow and put him on a morphine drip." Meredith kneed on the OR table. It was uncomfortable for more than one reason.  
"Well, there are not too many pillows around -and I don't look nearly as cute as you do, but I'll get him that morphine." the nurse told her. Derek was resting on her lap.

The morphine drip helped to ease Derek's pain. After ten minutes he seemed a lot better and things in the OR began to calm down even though they were still in lock down and there was the occasional gunshot sound. "Your hair still smells like lavender." He whispered. Meredith sat on the OR table to support his head.  
"I still use the same conditioner." Meredith nodded.  
"I like the smell." He smiled. "It reminds me of the last time we kissed, -but the guy you kissed doesn't exist anymore."  
"I'm still not talking to you." Meredith reminded him even though she had just talked to him..  
"Well, I'll just enjoy the view. So when do I get to meet your daughter's father?" he wondered. He didn't exist anymore- his words – not hers.  
"He's not in the picture so much these days." Meredith said truthfully and calm. "He only found out about her existence very recently." She didn't lie. He had only found out about Ellis.  
Derek looked surprised „You must have had her…"  
"During my first year in Boston, yeah." Meredith nodded. He was able to do the maths on morphine, it'd only be a matter of time until he'd do it while he was sober "It always felt like... my life was a train wreck... I mean... the trial, the divorce, the baby, this shooting, the one in Seattle, the bomb, George, Izzie, oh, learning I had another sister... people write telenovelas with less action. She saved me"  
"You are extraordinary –even on your own." He smiled "Still looking beautiful"  
"Dr. Shepherd" Meredith sighed "I told you to stop this"  
"We are back to Dr. Shepherd" he chuckled  
"and it's going to stay this way this time" Meredith insisted "You are my patient –and I don't make out with patients. Somebody taught me not to make out with patients once."  
"I can be very persuasive" he smiled and she stopped smiling when she realized that they were flirting. "Are you okay?" he wondered.  
"I'm not okay -and you were the one that passed out in the OR. What did you do anyway?"  
"I did what I always do, play the hero" he laughed. "Except I almost killed myself doing it."  
"Don't make jokes. I was scared. Dr. Shepherd" Meredith nodded. He smiled "I was scared because I'm not a vascular surgeon and I had to fix a complicated GSW. If I had screwed up you'd be dead"  
"But I'm not. No, don't be scared. I'm not going anywhere. I... I care about you... I"  
Meredith put her finger onto his mouth "Don't say it! Don't look at me like that Derek... I can't breathe if you look at me like that..."  
"... Like what? Like you were my wife? Like I loved you?" he whispered "I've been in love with you forever"

 _"_ _It means you have a choice. You have a choice to make. And I don't want to rush you into making the decision before you're ready. This morning I was going to come over... I was going to say... What I wanted to say was... But now all I can say is that... I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you for, ever. I'm a little late, I know I'm a little late in telling you that. I, I just, I just want you to take your time, you know. Take all the time you need, because you have a choice to make. And when I had a choice to make, I chose wrong. Goodnight"_

"You made your choice -and I made mine. Your girlfriend looked very pretty at the award ceremony." Meredith reminded him.  
"She... she's my therapist" he admitted "and I'm surprised you noticed her – considering you were there for 10 minutes"  
"Dating patients? Not very professional." Meredith laughed. She wondered when they'd get clearance to go outside.  
"We never dated. There wasn't anyone... there wasn't anyone because I wouldn't have been able to stand the fact that it wasn't you who woke up next to me." He swallowed.  
"Why couldn't you have told me this while I was still in Seattle? I hate you, Derek Shepherd. Now, if you excuse me." Meredith cried.  
"Meredith, please. I'm injured and vulnerable." Derek tried to interrupt her, but she was overwhelmed by the situation.  
"Do you know when we should have talked? Before I left, before any of the rest of it. I pieced my life back together." She sniffed. "You broke me"  
"What do you want me to say? I can tell you anything." He told her.

 _"_ _You're friends with my sister now? I mean, you talk to the other Grey about me? You know what I talked about with the other Grey? All the things this Grey won't let me say."  
"You can say anything to me."  
"I want to marry you. I want to have kids with you. I want to build us a house. I want to settle down and grow old with you. I want to die when I'm 110 years old, in your arms. I don't want 48 uninterrupted hours. I want a lifetime."_

"Nothing and I wouldn't be talking to you if I wouldn't know that you remember none of this. Do you need anyone to take care of Zola tonight?" she wondered.  
"No, I'll be fine. A very talented surgeon just fixed me." He smiled.

* * *

 _Boston 13 months ago_

"Want some cake?" Maggie wondered when Meredith walked into the cafeteria.  
"Sweet mother of chocolate" Meredith whispered. This looked almost like the time Izzie had started to bake muffins after Denny had died, but she had done it at home and not brought a two tier chocolate cake into the hospital cafeteria.  
"I know" Maggie smiled and handed Meredith a plate.  
"You realize you're replacing sex with cake?" Meredith giggled and tried a bite.  
"I don't care. It's so good. Tell me how you do it? How do you still get up every morning after everything that happened?" Maggie wondered. She had never lived through this kind of heartbreak.  
"I'll be ok for a few days but then it hits me, I stop functioning and everything falls apart again, but then I tell myself I can do it... and I eat your cake." Meredith added. She didn't know how she did it. It was one day after the other, week after week. That's how she had gotten by.

"You know what? Enough with the cake! I don't want your cake! I... I didn't ask for your cake. I'm all caked out. You know whose cake I want?"  
"Derek's?" Maggie looked at her questioningly.  
"Yeah, I want Derek's cake. I want Derek's cake, but Derek's not baking cake. He's not baking cake for me. So could you just..."  
"Who is Derek?" an intern wondered.  
"No one" Maggie insisted.  
Meredith got up "You need to talk to Dean. You can't eat the whole thing"

* * *

 _Baltimore present day_

Meredith sat in the bar across the street from the hospital. Six weeks in Baltimore and she hadn't been there. "Are you going to ask me if this is a good place to hang out?" Meredith was shocked when Derek sat down on the stool next to him. "You left against medical advice" She wanted to yell at him for doing it. If it had been her decision, he would have stayed in the hospital for observation. But it wasn't her place anymore.  
"I did and I might ask, but I know you'd tell me that you wouldn't know because it's your first time here" Derek turned his head to look at her. Her hair still smelled like lavender "So, Is this a good place to hang out?" he wondered with this tone in her voice that conveyed to her that he was sure he would win her over.  
"I wouldn't know" Meredith smiled. "I've never been here before. First month in town."  
Neither one said anything after that. Meredith drank her beer and Derek had his Scotch. "What are you doing?" she wondered when he ordered another scotch for him.  
"I was right Meredith" he told her "I was right the first time"  
"About what?" she looked confused.  
"I'm someone you need to get to know to love" he told her and they both laughed. "Can I buy you a drink?"  
"Straight tequila" she told him "and oh- you failed to mention the fact that you were married last time around".  
"I'm not this time. Very bad divorce!" he had never understood how she could detain so large amounts of alcohol. "You're going to be sorry in the morning"  
"I'm always sorry in the morning" she laughed –particularly after days like this."So, why Baltimore?"  
"I needed a change of place, it was time to move on. Rough divorce." He told her and never took his eyes off her "I promised Mark to find a nice woman and bring her home as a date for Christmas" Christmas was only a few weeks away.  
"And there wasn't anyone in Seattle?" Meredith wondered.  
"I needed to..." he paused. If he said what he wanted to say, she'd move away "You know, we don't have to talk about it"  
"You needed to get away from the memory of me, didn't you?" she suddenly asked. She knew because he had told her after his surgery, but he obviously didn't remember any part of their conversation "At least if any of the stuff Mark said is true"  
"You talked to Mark?" he sounded surprised. Obviously she had. Mark had met Ellis, Mark had slept in front of the apartment for a night to make a point. Mark had made a lot more effort than he ever had.  
"Did you come here to forget me?" she tried to get him to answer.  
"Worked out fine, didn't it?" he laughed "Why did you come here?"  
"To Baltimore or here tonight?"  
"Both" Derek smiled. He couldn't believe how easily and drama free their conversation was. She wasn't running.  
"I needed a change of place and Alex threatened to kick me out if I didn't" she smiled.  
"You and Alex?" he raised his eyebrows. This was a lot to process. Suddenly it seemed like his head was filling in some of the blanks. He knew that Alex picked Ellis up from day care. Maybe he was the father-they had an affair. It'd make sense.  
"We are living together -temporarily" she nodded. "We are friends. He's great with Ellis –even though he calls her Lizzie- everyone calls her Lizzie, but I don't like that name"  
"It's surprising... considering... everything" he nodded. "My sister's nick name is Lizzie. Short for Elisabeth" He was right. Meredith had never thought of Derek's sister. Maybe that was the reason she had like 'Elisabeth' so much.  
"It's surprising considering the fact that he got me fired?" she wondered. "It was my fault – not his. He left a voicemail every day since I left. I was angry at him for a very long time, but things changed. I wanted to answer his call and yell at him, but it would have been futile -a waste of energy... and I have other things to worry about." She had forgiven him.  
"You have a daughter" Derek told her. She could not quite decide whether it was a question or a statement. But today was not a good moment to tell him. He needed to heal, and she needed to get over the fact that she had felt like she had gotten shot when they had brought him in.  
"so do you" she nodded. "and you've been shot today" Zola looked like a happy little girl whenever she had seen her in day care and Derek looked happy whenever he picked her up from day care. He needed to get home.  
"Yeah, Zola is wonderful" he tried to open up and talk about their amazing child. To his surprise she closed off completely. "I'm sorry, I really have to go"


	10. Chapter 10

_Things are heating up ;) Thanks for the reviews! I love your feedback and I'm glad you enjoy reading the story._

* * *

 **Chapter 10**

* * *

Boston 12 months ago

It was 11pm when Maggie walked into Meredith's apartment. The lights in the spare bed room where turned on. She knocked on the door and Meredith threw away two planks onto the pile of wood and paper in front of her "Christ! You scared me!"  
"I brought chicken noodles. Mom made it." Maggie told her "She was afraid you wouldn't eat if she didn't make it for you"  
Meredith sat on the floor surrounded by screws and planks and a glue. "I bought a crib today" All the parts were scattered across the floor.  
"and you've done a terrible job at assembly" Maggie laughed and put down the soup onto the kitchen table before she sat down next to Maggie.  
"Shut up! I just can't figure out how to read this plan" Meredith insisted. "I know I can do it!"  
"Turn it around!" Maggie said and turned it by 180 degrees.  
"It's a lot clearer now" Meredith nodded.  
"I'll give you a hand! Go and eat dinner!" Maggie said and tried to work through the steps of the plan.  
"Letting you stay here definitely had its perks" Meredith smirked while she unpacked the containers "but you need to move back with him, you can't hide in my apartment because you are afraid to answer his question"  
"It's pretty close to the hospital" Maggie told her "I used to drive half way through town"  
"It's almost like Seattle. We were all living in mom's house. Everyone lived there" Meredith sighed. She hadn't told Maggie anything about her life so far – not the important facts anyway.  
"I thought you moved to Boston at a young age" Maggie said "Ellis started working at in 1983"  
"Mom kept it. For some reason" Meredith nodded "Maybe she thought that things would work out and she and Richard would happen. I don't know – and then she got Alzheimer and she wanted to move back to Seattle. That's how I ended up there."  
"and you met... jaysus, what's his name?" Maggie looked at the plan.  
"Derek, yeah, first night... I had one or two too many and I should have listened to the bar tender... but I didn't. It's too long of a story to tell" Meredith giggled and got a spoon.  
"He sounds like a great guy" Maggie looked at Meredith and jokingly added "the bartender"  
"Joe was a great guy" Meredith nodded "He... I don't really want to talk about him, but I can tell you a few things about mom and once I told you a few things about her, you need to promise me that you will try to work things out with Dean."

* * *

Baltimore present day  
Alex and Meredith sat in the back row during Derek's daily Monday meetings. Ever since the shooting he had summoned all the residents, interns and fellows to discuss 'the future of patient care' as he called it. "God complex?" Alex laughed when Derek mentioned the importance of interdisciplinary training while talking about his GSWs.  
"Absolutely." Meredith nodded. Ever since he had gotten shot for the second time the nurses and female residents were squandering him even more –and his ego seemed to like that. Even though she had been his surgeon, Derek had not let her take care of his post op controls.  
"Oh my gosh, he's great, isn't he?" Jo Wilson wondered. She was one of Meredith's interns. Alex and Meredith stared at her and started to laugh.  
"I tend to disagree. Huge Ego." Meredith mumbled. His ego had been boosted even further since the shooting and she was still irritated that he had left against her advice. He had discharged himself from the hospital, had a drink 8 hours after he had been taken off the morphine drip and he drove to the hospital with a motor cycle now. The press conference had been broadcasted on national television and Derek was the celebrated hero.  
"He was a lot more bearable when you weren't around." Alex told her. He had been quiet and miserable in Seattle.  
"So this is my fault?" Meredith rolled her eyes.  
"Sort of!" Alex told her "You saved him". She hated herself for saving him, and she hated him for putting her in a position where she had started to care what happens to him. She had the dream again: he had been in an accident and she watched him die. She woke up to this every other day.  
"You're not helpful!" Meredith mumbled. Ever since the shooting, she had a hard time to get the pictures out of her head: Derek on her OR table, Derek and the press, Derek.  
"I finished your charts." Wilson whispered and handed it over. It looked neat and clean.  
"Thank you, Wilson! Can you check on the patient in 305 after this?" she wondered.  
"Sure" Dr. Wilson nodded.  
"Dr. Grey, can we have a word?" Derek wondered at the end of the meeting.  
"What do you want now?" she wondered. They had not talked since the night at the bar. Meredith had watched him talk to the press about his act of heroism and about the amazing young surgeon that saved him. She was 'a testament to the high level of expertise and the extraordinary standard of care' in this hospital.  
"Dr. Cho contacted me about her findings. I think we should discuss your trial." He insisted.  
"You want to discuss my research?" she looked surprised. The last time they had talked he had almost jumped to the conclusion that Alex was the baby daddy.  
"Would you like to discuss anything else?" he wondered. He knew the answer she wanted to give, but she swallowed. She still hadn't told him why she had left in a rush when they had talked in the bar, she couldn't tell him that she needed him to stop behaving the way she did, but she couldn't.  
"No, I'm good." She said "I have surgery now, but we can discuss this later. I'll prepare the data." Short, professional, like they had never met, like she wasn't falling apart when she saw him.  
"Who would have thought that we were working on the same problem all along." He sighed.  
"Yeah, right. Crazy?" Meredith smiled. "We can go over it and we can call them if you think you'd like to have a look at this." She was safe. He was not suspecting anything and she needed to take a step back. She was not his knight in shining armour – and he needed to learn to look after himself..

* * *

Boston 12 months ago  
Code Black. The ER was over crowded and Meredith was lucky to get a trauma room for her incoming patient. One surgery a day, the ER and a few hours in the lab was her routine for now. She was showing and she needed time to rest. The nausea had passed weeks ago and she By now she knew what to do, when to request something. She was good, her instincts were intact and her interns were starting to be helpful. "Okay, I got this. I need an emergency surgical tray! We don't have time to get her into an OR. She has a pneumothorax that needs to be fixed now." Meredith was confident, she loved covering the ER.  
"Here you go!" Dr. Cho handed her all the required instruments.  
"On my count: 1,2,3!" she told her and the intern lifted the body a little bit.  
"She's back. Vitals look okay!" Meredith smiled. "Get her to the CT, I'll call them upstairs and tell them we are coming. If you notice any irregularities on your way up, you take her to the OR, you skip CT and page neuro and trauma. I'll notify the police."  
"I can do that honey." One of the nurses offered.  
"It's protocol, it's fine. Can you track down her parents?" Meredith wondered.

* * *

Baltimore present day

An illusion of a happy family. Alex looked at Meredith and Derek. They were smiling and chatting. It seemed like a daydream. Meredith and Derek sat in the cafeteria. It was the only time slot they had managed to find –so the lunch break she usually took with Ellis had to double with research time. Meredith held Ellis while Derek fed Zola. She needed to hold her to calm herself down. "You did a pretty good job with her. She's amazing." He told her. There were two versions of Meredith: One with Ellis –and one in the OR – the cold one. He liked both of them – he knew both of them. In the OR Meredith was aloof, there was nothing that could stop her –and he liked that fire. With Ellis on the other hand she was sweet and soft, but he knew that he had to stop feeling the way he did.  
"She is. I'm glad I had her." Meredith smiled. Ellis was the reason she got up in the morning – or at night when she was teething or having a nightmare.  
"Her dad must be really proud." Derek nodded. He wanted to ask her who the father was, but she had avoided the topic so much, he figured she didn't want to talk about it. He knew that the father knew about her. He would have loved to be the father, but he knew he was jealous, he needed to breathe, he didn't know how to breathe in a world where Meredith Grey had a child with someone else.  
"I'm sure he is." she nodded and looked at him. People were talking about them anyway. Some people had found out that they had been married, the nurses loved to talk about it. There were a couple of rumours, but it seemed like Derek really was incapable of putting things together. He was busy trying to tame Zola, so at least there was a valid excuse why he hadn't figured out many things a long time before. She handed over the charts and tables she had put together to present Dr. Cho's findings.  
"Why General?" he wondered.  
"I'm a good general surgeon. Think of it as a brand." She laughed. He knew her well enough to know that she didn't need a brand; that she was talented enough to stand on her own two feet, but he chose not to bring it up.  
"You hated your mother –and you would have been an extraordinary neurosurgeon." He said. It was a compliment. They both knew it was a compliment.  
"Like you?" she giggled.  
"Like me, except, I'm really ordinary these days." He sighed. "I watch a lot of children's television, I get up at least once a night to take care of Zola. I'm trying to move on, but it's hard."  
"You won a Harper Avery Award." Meredith reminded him "so ordinary."  
"With a simple idea! You made a discovery that could be a game changer." He complimented her "this is incredible. This might actually be a way to heal..."  
"Baby steps, Dr. Shepherd" Meredith insisted "We could work on this though, and we might find out what's causing it" If they figured out the reason why things happened the way they did, they might be able to fix it.

* * *

Boston 12 months ago  
"I found her mother. Her name is Stacey. She ran away from home three weeks ago –" the nurse told Meredith and led her to one of the officers "she's been staying on the street. She went to rehab for six months last year."  
"Drugs?" Meredith wondered.  
"Narcotics" the nurse clarified.  
"We have to notify the OR." Meredith told her. "Call them. They need to know. I'll talk to the police"  
"My wife is at 25 weeks and complains about the back pain even though she has a nice job in an office. You must be exhausted" the officer told her. Meredith looked up and smiled.  
"I get by." Meredith she said politely "You wanted to talk to me about Stacey McGillian"  
"Yes, there will be more officers here soon" he told her "she'll go into witness protection, if she wants to live. She jumped out of a window, third floor. We think she was being held there."  
"What happened?"  
"Nobody talked to you?" the officer wondered. The ambulance had found her in front of a infamous house in the north side.  
"No, and that's all right" Meredith smiled "I'll set you up with all the necessary contacts and make sure she's moved to a secured ward"

* * *

Baltimore present day

In the beginning Meredith's patient had been stable, but now she needed help. A neuro consult had been called and Derek showed up in the OR. She hadn't cleared him to operate yet, but it seemed obvious that he didn't care. The bullet wound had not healed yet and she thought that it wasn't a good idea, but Derek's ego overruled her decision. He had told her he was fine too many times –and she knew something was wrong. Meredith looked at Derek who was at the end of a 36h shift. "You are sweating." There were only three towels and Meredith knew that Derek needed more. It was the third emergency surgery he had been paged to and one of the nurses must have forgotten to prep the OR properly when he came in. "Let me check you!"  
Meredith took of her glove and felt his temperature. "Dr. Wilson, take over for me please. I'll take over for Dr. Shepherd. You need to learn how to look after yourself" She was still mad that he had left against her advice.  
"No, Dr. Wilson, you'll take over for me. I'll walk you through the procedure." Derek insisted. "We'll try a new method of teaching, Dr. Grey, the residency director strongly encourages it. Let's see whether you are open to this. Whatever you do with your hands, you do it with your words now. If there's a problem describe it." Meredith rolled her eyes when she left to scrub again. She wanted to yell at him 'Told you so' is what she wanted to say, but a situation like this was the wrong one to start to argue with her boss.  
"Are you sure? I'm just an intern." Wilson insisted. She would have been more comfortable with Dr. Grey's proposal, but after all he was the Chief of surgery.  
"What's happening now?" a nurse wondered.  
"Dr. Shepherd is going to step away from the table now and Dr. Wilson will take over for him" Meredith told her. She wanted to yell at him, but she couldn't. If she yelled at him now, she would destroy whatever little confidence Wilson had."Dr. Shepherd, you really need to learn how to look after yourself or you are going to get yourself killed!"  
"Wilson, look at me, I wouldn't ask you if I wasn't sure that you couldn't do this." Derek told the intern. "I'm fine, Dr. Grey"  
"Steady hands! That's the most important things. If you have used a syringe before, you are fine." Meredith assured her intern. She looked at Derek who sat down next to them.  
"Okay, insert the syringe, push it down a little bit until you feel a little resistance" he explained to her. Both he and Meredith held their breath. It was a vital step, you either got it right or you caused major brain damage "You are in. Well done!" Meredith smiled. "Stop for a second and breathe, you are doing good."  
"What am I supposed to do now?" Jo wondered.  
"You just have to see this through." Derek looked at Meredith. "Just tell her what to do"  
"Now the part is a little bit tricky, you have out push it down further, but now too far." She said calmly.  
"How do I know when I'm fine?"  
"Without machines you don't. You have to feel it." Derek said.  
"But we are lucky and you just have to look at the screen" Meredith calmed her down. "Jo, you'll be fine"  
"Why did you let me do this?" Jo looked at both of them.  
"Jo, look at me, there are two people here who have your back. Wilson, 1.5 inches is about as safe as it gets- you look at the screen and you push it until it reaches this point" she showed her the position on the screen "Works for most of the patients. If you feel insecure, go by safe."  
Derek nodded "Once you pull back you'll no, it's either blood... or.." He paused.  
"We can call UNOS because I killed a patient and he has lots of spare parts." Jo sighed.  
"Yeah, but let's do this. Look at me, don't look at the syringe, don't look at your hands, just look at me. It'll be fine." Meredith assured her "Listen to my voice and look at the screen, trust in what your hands are doing. We wouldn't let you do this, if we weren't sure that you can handle this."  
"Okay, let's start..." Derek nodded.  
"You're doing fine!" Meredith nodded.  
"It's red! Congratulations on your first brain surgery, Dr. Wilson!" Derek applauded.  
"I'll close him up now." Meredith told Dr. Wilson "You go and celebrate with Dr. Shepherd"  
"No, you have a daughter" Derek insisted "and you have to pick her up at day-care in twenty minutes"  
"So do you." Meredith reminded him.  
"I can do it." Jo said with a smile on her face. "That's the easy part, isn't it? I got this far – it's easy once you stepped forward and took the first step"

* * *

Boston 12 months

When she checked on Stacey, her mother was in there. They were fighting in a volume that wasn't unknown to Meredith. She and Ellis had fought this way before she had run off to Europe, but this conflict made her angry. The mother accused her daughter of getting what she deserved for hooking up with the 'negro'.  
"Your daughter has been abused! Don't make this her fault! Get out of the room now!" Meredith yelled. She had heard all the disapproval in the woman's voice that she had to live with for so many years.  
"Thanks!" the girl told her "You didn't have to do it. I'm just a junkie! She's right about that."  
"You are your past, own it! Don't let this be your story!" Meredith insisted "Every obstacle from now on is going to be easier because you can tell yourself, I've survived worse!"

"That was very inspirational!" Maggie told her when Meredith left the room.  
"I don't have a clue where that came from!" Meredith admitted.  
"You are about to cry."Maggie smiled.  
"I'm okay, it's nothing!" the pregnancy hormones made everything worse. "I think I will never not be in love with him "  
"You don't have to pretend. The only way you're gonna get through this is to let yourself feel every heart-wrenching, gut-wrenching part of this" Maggie hugged her. "One morning you are going to wake up and it'll be okay"  
"What if I never get over him? Her mom has been so self involved that she never noticed that Emily was taken hostage. She was there for weeks. She was scared and nobody was looking for her." Meredith cried "and now it's still her fault... I need her to know that this can't be her fault."

* * *

Baltimore present day  
The nurses were gossiping behind his back and Derek tried to eavesdrop on their conversation to figure out what kind of gossip it was. He had only been Chief for a few weeks and there was already an unbelievable amount of secrecy surround him. "I'm telling you, when I dropped of Ethan at day-care, I saw them dropping off their kids, she looks like him and he looks like her, it's crazy. And word is they've both been working together and they lived together." Derek rolled his eyes. Some things never changed. The nurses had a way of gossiping about everything.

"If this was true, why would they choose to work together?" the other one wondered and Derek asked himself the same question. It was the question he had asked himself ever since he had only found out that Meredith had been offered a position by the retired Chief of surgery. Why did he choose to work with her so much?

"For the kids, because they didn't know the other one was working here. What do I know about them?" the first nurse answered.

* * *

Boston 12 months ago

"What are you doing?" Maggie wondered. Meredith was sitting at the dinner table and used a pen to write something.  
"I still have this-and I think his mom should get it back. Her husband gave it to her." Meredith sighed and showed Maggie her engagement ring. She had hardly ever worn it. Most of the time it had just sat in a draw next to her bed.  
"It's beautiful." Maggie looked at it from all sides.  
"It is. She came to Seattle and gave it to him." Meredith remembered "and... I found out and he had this huge existential crisis after his ex wife showed up with her stupid brother and he dissected a patient's brain in the OR and he hit the ring with a base ball bat when I tried to get him to come home" It had not been one of Derek's finer moments.  
"She didn't give it to him for his first marriage?" Maggie wondered.  
"No. I guess she wanted to wait for the right one –and she showed terrible judgement." Meredith added dryly and they both started to giggle. Meredith sealed the envelope and wrote down the address. She'd drop off the package in the morning.  
"Dr. Stadler asked if you'd be interested in grabbing a drink tonight" Maggie told her. The guest surgeon who was here to look at Dr. Springer's trial had tried to make her laugh all day. He had tried to compliment her on every occasion. "He asked me if you are single."  
"Yeah, I hope you told him I am."  
"You are ready to date?" Maggie looked surprised. Meredith had never indicated that she was ready to take that step.  
"No, I wouldn't want you to be lying to anyone because of me" Meredith smirked.  
"He's hot" Maggie tried to persuade her.  
"I don't know if I'm ready + I look like a whale" Meredith giggled.  
"What's the worst thing that could happen if you go out for a couple of drinks with him?" Maggie wondered.  
"I could sleep with him and he could turn out to be my boss the next morning-because that actually did happen"  
"He's hot- and you told me you were tense –and I already gave him your phone number."  
"You are unbelievable Dr. Pierce"  
"No, I'm trying to help you" Maggie insisted. "You won't be pregnant forever."  
"Why are you trying to help me? Do I look like someone who is in desperate need of help from someone that was kicked out by their fiancé?" Meredith was angry "You pushed him away because of all the questions in your head. You don't do anything to get answers. You should go and talk to Richard, fly to Seattle, see what you have to see, get the answers you need, but don't try to fix me!"  
"Do you want to die alone?" Maggie told her and left. "That's how you die alone!"


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

 _"_ _Freezing. Choking. Getting tongue-tied. It's what we call it when your mind goes from brilliant to blank. You can prepare all you want, but the feeling can still hit you, out of nowhere. So when it hits you, when your mind shuts down, when you open your mouth and no words come out, the good news is, it happens to all of us."_

Baltimore present day

Meredith had just left day care when Derek approached her. She was still mad at him after the stunt he had pulled in the OR. "Are you insane? That surgery was way over Wilson's skill level?" Meredith yelled at him.  
Derek remained calm "The patient is alive, you didn't need to take over- I think I was right. I'm right about a lot of things"  
"So, it's fine to risk a patient's life to teach a valuable lesson about brain surgery? That guy has a wife- and kids." Meredith yelled. "What's going on with you? You leave the hospital against medical advice, you let residents do dangerous surgeries, you ride motorcycles and let the nanny take your daughter to daycare."  
"and he's going to be fine" Derek clarified.  
"Yeah, because you decided to do this insane thing! What would have happened to Wilson if this had gone wrong? Ever since you got shot, you are behaving irresponsibly!" Meredith told him "You got shot and you were on my table... I had to fix you. What would have happened to Zola if you had died?"  
"In that case Alex and you would have the opportunity to raise another child. It's all in our divorce papers" he told her. She didn't have a clue what was going on, but he was mad. "You and Alex? He's her father. That's why he was so mad at you that he'd tell Webber you tempered with the trial, that's why you left, that's why he was miserable and that's why you are acting like a happy little family now." Derek yelled at Meredith. Meredith had a hard time remaining serious; the accusations were just too ridiculous.  
"Oh, you are stupid, and wrong and jealous. I can assure you that Alex is not Ellis' father." Meredith yelled back "I can assure you that I never slept with Alex. He's my friend and I was married. I loved you – I'm not my mother. I wouldn't have cheated on my husband because I loved him. But my ex husband is an idiot."

 _"_ _You really get around. –"  
_ _"_ _What did you just say to me? – "  
"It's unforgivable."  
"I don't remember ever asking you to forgive me."  
"So was the knitting a phase? Who's next? Alex? Because I hear he likes to sleep around. You two have that in common."_

 _"You don't get to call me a whore. When I met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done! All the boys and all the bars and all the obvious daddy issues, who cares? I was done. You left me. You chose Addison. I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore."_

 _"This thing with us is finished. It's over."  
_ _"Finally."  
_ _"Yeah, it's done."  
_ _"It is done."_

"So it was a one night stand?" Derek kept pushing. 'Brainless brain surgeon!'  
"Yeah, a one night stand. We met one night, had great sex, I told him that this wouldn't happen again the next morning." She nodded. "That's her father. A one night stand. I need to leave. You make me sick!" She couldn't breathe. She knew she had to tell him, but she couldn't have told him in this environment. She didn't want them to be yelling at each other. Technically she had not lied, she had omitted a lot, but Derek had been a one night stand once. She went back into the day-care center with tears in her eyes. "I'm taking my daughter with me because I don't want her first word to be hypothalamus."

"There are worse first words." Derek mumbled. For some reason he felt betrayed – by her, by his own body. They had tried for so long, but she had conceived a child with a one night stand.

Boston 12 months ago  
"I'm sorry" Maggie whispered when she sat down next to Meredith.  
"So am I. I shouldn't have..."  
"I shouldn't have either"  
"I think you are right" Maggie told her "I need to go to Seattle."  
"I know that you are trying to look out for me, but... I'm afraid to move on. I had this great love story- it ended badly, but it was great while it lasted. You can't forget it. Once you had this extraordinary love, you'll always be able to remember. I'm afraid that this is not going to come around again and the most painful thing is having feelings for someone you can't be with." Meredith sighed. "I guess you only get one"  
"You need to have trust in a happy ending" Maggie smiled "Dr. Stadler is a decent guy for a first date.- and if it doesn't work out, you can always text me and I'll send you a fake page."  
"Thanks, but I guess I'm just not ready for this, I'm still figuring out how to stand on my own two feet. I need time"  
"No, you are going" Maggie insisted.

"Hey" Meredith greeted the surgeon who was waiting for her in a fancy uptown bar.  
"Hey" he turned around and looked at her.  
"Dr. Pierce forwarded your message to me." Meredith said and put her coat down.  
"I'm glad you showed up. I was afraid I'd sit here by myself like an idiot all night." He laughed. "Your research is really fascinating and I wanted to get to know you a little bit more"  
"I'm pregnant." Meredith blared out.  
"I noticed." He giggled "My girlfriend is at 30 weeks. Her name is Brooke. Here's a picture. I bought a ring and I'm going to ask her to marry me."  
"I feel stupid now, Maggie never mentioned that this was..." Meredith stopped. She felt stupid admitting that she had thought that this was a date. They looked happy.  
"... just a drink between co-workers." He nodded.  
"Yeah, but I'm sort of glad it is. It was a bad break up and I'm still not quite over it." Meredith admitted.  
"How could you? I mean, it's probably your boyfriend's or husband's baby. A charming woman like you is probably not the kind of person to make a baby with a one night stand" He nodded "My girlfriend is very emotional all the time"  
"It is. Ex husband to be exact. He couldn't wait to get divorced fast enough after I left." Meredith admitted and was surprised how good it felt to actually talk about what she had been through.  
"Well, why don't we talk about medicine tonight?" he suggested.  
"I'd like that" Meredith nodded.

Baltimore present day

Baltimore present day  
Another day, another trauma, another GSW, another page to neuro. She had waited for 10 minutes. "You took your time" Meredith noted when the OR doors opened.  
"That's the chief" the resident hushed.  
"Dr. Shepherd" Meredith looked up and saw Derek who had spend the past few days talking to the media and setting up counselling sessions for the staff. He was still the hero that had taken a bullet for a little kid and who didn't know how to take care of himself.  
"You paged and I wanted to check if you are okay –with the shooting and everything." He said. Everything –the last time they had talked, they had fought. She wondered what he meant. It was clearly eating at him that she had never told him who Ellis' father was.  
"I'm fine. I'm always fine. I paged you to have a look at this." Meredith pointed to the pictures from imaging that had been put up on the screen. A bullet was stuck in his spine.  
"What course of treatment do you propose?" Derek wondered.  
"Relieve the pressure from the spine by decompressing..." the resident started to say.  
"Stop..." Meredith tried to interrupt him.  
"Am I wrong?" he wondered.  
"There's debris from another bullet in his neck, close to the aorta. We can't move him." Derek noted.  
" -and you can't operate unless you manage to access the issue from underneath." Meredith nodded "That's why I paged you. I need 30 minutes to take care of that aorta situation, but..."  
"that's too much time." Derek told her "You take too much time. He's..."  
"I know... that's why I paged you. You can figure something out." Meredith said, but Derek misinterpreted her intentions.  
"You are trying to make this my fault." Derek yelled.  
"She was trying to get a trusted opinion from one of the best neurosurgeons in the country." The resident tried to calm him down.  
"Well, you should have paged when he came in, maybe there would have been a chance..." Derek yelled "You should have taken care that everyone has the information they need"  
"But he's here now and there's not a lot I can do... I was paged here and my attending left because there's another more emergent case in the OR next door." Meredith told him "When they brought him here, they didn't even mention the spinal injury. Don't make this my fault."

Seattle 11 months ago

"How's the study going?" Mark wondered.  
"Honestly, it's... it's going really good." Derek smiled "We are changing the world of neurosurgery –one brain at a time"  
"But..." Mark looked at him. He knew that this wasn't everything on his friends mind. "You don't look happy, just tell me"  
"I still ask myself whether I'm allowed to grieve her. I mean I look at her picture and I think she's the most beautiful thing on this planet. I love her- and I love the way she loved people. When I look at that picture, the world stops. It stops and all that exists for me is her and I stare at her. There's nothing else. But she's gone and there's nothing." Derek sighed. He looked devastated and over-worked.  
"Are you thinking about contacting her? I mean, your lawyer must have tracked her down. You should fly to wherever she's now, you should go and see her, talk to her." Mark suggested "Get some closure"  
"I need to move on Mark, I know I need to move on" Derek nodded "I took Zola to the zoo yesterday and she started to walk. She sat on the grass and heard a noise and she just got up and walked. I didn't even notice until I realised what had happened."  
"That's fantastic." Mark smiled. "That's what you always wanted seeing your child grow up"  
"Do you want to know what's the first think I thought of?" he wondered.  
"Sure"  
"How Meredith would have caught it on camera." Derek laughed "How she would have giggled and applauded Zola. I looked through our photos last night. I stay up a lot of nights thinking of her-while trying not to think about her." He missed her while he was trying not to miss her.  
Mark nodded "She's the whiskey you drank in the bar you never meant to go in on the street you never meant to walk down ad yet you find yourself never wanting to sober up."  
"Addison called" Derek told Mark "Amy is in rehab. I don't want you to compare Meredith to whiskey. I need to step up"

Baltimore present day

Baltimore present day  
After they had decompressed the spine one of the nurses looked at him "Dr. Shepherd, daycare paged". His pager had gone off twice during the last five minutes and it wasn't the first time Zola had been a trouble maker since they had moved to Baltimore. She had almost gotten suspended from the daycare at Seattle Grace once when she and Sofia had started a fight and Zola bit her friend. „What is this girl up to now? Zola Shepherd, when are things ever going to get easier with you?" he mumbled to himself "Dr. Grey, you can close up for me."  
Derek walked into the hospital daycare expecting to find his daughter, but instead the daycare worker was trying to console a girl that didn't look like Zola at all. "Dr. Shepherd, she's been crying." The lady said. "Her mother is in surgery, so I tried you"  
"Wrong child, this is Dr. Grey's girl." Derek said looking confused at the day-care worker. "I'm Zola's dad. This is Dr. Grey's child."  
"Oh, her name is Elisabeth Grey Shepherd, must have been a mix up" she said „I thought…you were... Dr Grey wrote down your name on the registration form."  
His thoughts were racing through his head. Ellis. Meredith had mentioned that her daughter was named Ellis. „Elisabeth?" he asked her „Did you just say Elisabeth?" He looked at the form. She was born eight months after she had left. He didn't need to do the maths.  
„Yeah, Dr. Grey brought her in this morning." The lady said "But we couldn't get her. She's in surgery." Ellis was indeed Meredith's daughter –and his. How had he not been able to see it?  
The girl turned around and tears were still running down her cheek.. She had the Shepherd hair and the Shepherd nose, there was no need for a DNA test –and for a second he wondered how he could have been so blind. Maybe he just didn't want to see it. Meredith hadn't lied when she had told him that the father had only found out about Ellis very recently- or that he had been a one night stand. "Come here, baby" he said and hugged her. "You're going to be fine" He had another child -and the mother hadn't told him about her, but this felt like all his sorrows, all his problems were gone for a second. He held his little girl. She stopped to cry and the day care lady thanked him. He held her hand for a while until she let go and went back to play with another boy.  
As he left Derek needed to focus on himself now; he and Meredith had a child. They had a child that she had neglected to tell him about. According to the OR booking system she was still working on their trauma case at the minute.

Boston 11 months ago

Meredith sat in the cafeteria. "The nurses are gossiping about Dr. Avery's great grandchild" Maggie whispered into her ear "They know Jackson worked at the same hospital as you did"  
"and it seems they don't know the truth" Meredith nodded. She had always hated this type of gossip.  
"Jackson is a good looking guy. I met him during the clinicals." Maggie suggested. "He never mentioned that he was going to take the MCAT."  
"Jackson dated my sister – or is dating. They slept in the same bed -it's off limits" Meredith tried to shut down the discussion. "It's really inappropriate"  
"So there might be a little Grey-Avery somewhere in Seattle" Maggie teased her, but Jackson's mother interrupted their conversation "I doubt it, Dr. Grey's sister was too in love with Dr. Sloan for my liking."  
"What are you doing here?" Meredith wondered.  
"How's the baby?" she asked.  
"She's fine. No second head, correct number of limbs, everything is fine" Meredith smiled.  
"The nurses are getting more creative by the day, but I guess they just overheard one of my phone calls. Jackson shipped off your sister when I came over for a visit a few months ago" She laughed "But that's not what I came to talk to you about. Have you figured out what you are going to do after residency?"  
"A general surgery fellowship"  
"Here? I'd love to have you at the Brigham" she smiled. "They loved you in the interview" 'The interview' had not been a job interview. Dr. Springer had invited her to take part in one of his panels.  
"I know, you told me – time and time again" Meredith nodded. She had no clue where she wanted to be after residency "I'll let you know"  
"I know -and you are going to tell me how happy you are" Catherine nodded and rolled her eyes "Dr. Grey, happy people go home on a Friday night. They don't stay here on their day off. I need you to go home"  
"Not everybody needs to be happy all the time" Maggie said. Meredith looked up. This was by far the darkest thing Maggie had ever said in her presence.  
"You are too young to be so bitter, Dr. Pierce"

 _"_ _Freezing. Choking. Getting tongue-tied. There's a reason it happens. We lose our words because the stakes are so high and we have so much to lose. We're petrified of saying too much or saying it wrong, when the truth is the only wrong thing you could say is nothing at all."_

Baltimore present day

"Crap!" Meredith looked at the flat line on the monitor while the resident checked for reflexes. The patient was brain dead. "Time of death 10-45 am"  
"You have a daughter... and you have listed me as her father. Is this some sort of joke?" Derek yelled at her. "You told me it was a one night stand"  
Meredith looked at him with tears in her eyes. "She's ten months old. I was..."  
"pregnant when you left. How long were you planning on keeping her from me?" Derek yelled "God, I have to leave... because if I see you much longer, I would fire you and people tell me you are an excellent surgeon."  
"Derek" Meredith tried to pull him back and stop him from exiting the room, but Derek dragged her into the scrub room to get some privacy.  
"We have a child, Meredith. When were you going to tell me? A one night stand. That's what I am to you?" Derek yelled at Meredith in the scrub room. Her patient had died, but he had no intention of letting her off the hook easily because of it.  
"I wish you were, because if you were only a one night stand, I wouldn't care that you leave the hospital against medical advice, or drink alcohol or ride that damn motor bike. It would be easier if you were just a one night stand" Meredith said. "I was going to tell you and Ellis knows who you are"  
"Oh, that's definitely what I wanted. I was paged to day-care because you were in surgery and the person telling me that she was mine was the day-care lady." Derek screamed. "You should have told me!"  
"I was going to tell you" Meredith insisted. "I was trying to figure out a way!"  
"You are one year late telling me." He said and left the room. He knew. She had done everything to avoid him, but the universe had brought them back together. She wished that she would have lied about Ellis dad in the registration form, but she had filled it out before she had known he was going to work here and she had figured if anything ever happened to her, she'd want Ellis to be with Derek. Now she'd be his life regardless – and Derek was back in her life for good this time.  
"I need to go" Meredith cried. "I can't breathe"


	12. Chapter 12

_Thank you for all the reviews! I love reading all your reactions. The secret is out now and I'm happy to explore what happens now. With all the unaddressed feelings in the mix I can assure you it's going to be quite a ride..._

* * *

 **Chapter 12**

 _Baltimore present day_

"What are you doing?" Alex interrupted Meredith who was packing up her suitcase  
"Leaving! Derek found out about Ellis" she said. Her voice was filled with fear. "He knows. I can't stay here and I called Maggie"  
"You told him, that's good. There's no reason to panic" Alex stopped her and closed the suitcase "He knows, that's good. Sit down and breathe!"  
"No, the stupid daycare lady paged him while I was in surgery – with him" Meredith filled him in. "This is horrible"  
"Ouch." Alex said and hugged her.  
"and he's pissed" she added. The more she thought about it, the more nervous she got.  
"He'll show up" Alex insisted. "Stop! Mer! Stop! Breathe! Isn't this what you wanted? You were going to tell him after your last coffee date. He'll come around"  
"Or he'll sue me for custody or fire me or fire me and sue me for custody" She started to hyperventilate "What would you do if it was Izzie?"  
"Don't bring her into this" Alex shut her down. "She walked out on me. I never told her to leave."  
"I walked out on Derek" Meredith insisted. "Why would this be any different?"  
"I don't know what I'd do if she would show up here, but we wouldn't have been this civil" Alex had stopped imagining what it'd be like to meet her again. "You can't run away from your problems –and you owe it to Lizzie"  
"You haven't seen the look on his eyes! It was like the night before I left Seattle all over again, which is why I have to go now" Meredith told him "I... I need to get my head straight"  
"You ran into him again – don't you think this means something?" Alex tried to calm her down.  
"Yeah, that we are both good doctors who were hired to work for one of the best hospitals in the country" Meredith nodded. "I can't do this! I need to leave"  
"You can and I'll lock the door until you calm down" Alex walked out and locked the door behind him "I won't let you go"  
"Why?" Meredith yelled and pounded against the door.  
"Why? Do you know what you put me through in Seattle? Do you know how crappy my life was after you left? I should have stopped you in Seattle. I was jealous so I ruined it – and you left Seattle and had Ellis, and were miserable – and Derek was miserable and every single person in that hospital hated me" Alex told her "So I'm not going to unlock the door until you promise me that you are not going to go anywhere"  
They heard the door bell. "There's someone at the door" Meredith told him "I'm going to scream."  
Alex unlocked the door- "I bet it's him" he told her "You'll have to talk to him"  
"I know. I hate you" Meredith nodded.  
"You love me" Alex smiled and watched her walk down the stairs.

* * *

Seattle 10 months ago

"What is it with the ferryboats?" Mark looked at the ferryboat scrub cap Derek had put into a box. "I never got it"  
"I used to like them. Now I look at them and I'm angry" Derek told Mark and handed him the ferryboat scrub cap. "It's time to let got"  
"You have to let it go. It's time for the next step. Zola is settled in, you are in control of your work schedule, the apartment is furnished, the land is sold -and I've a few possible dates lined up." Mark smirked "I'm going to take care of this"  
"Do I have a chance to say no?" Derek wondered. He knew Mark meant well.  
"No, and you have a babysitter" Mark winked.  
"Who?" Derek wondered.  
"Me. I'll babysit Zola and Sofia. They are going to have a cousin sleep over" Mark smirked and whispered "and you are going to get laid."  
Derek shook his head "So, if I go on a date, will you shut up and let it go?"  
"Maybe" Mark smirked and left.

* * *

Baltimore present day

Meredith opened the door and looked at Derek and Zola "Hey Zola" she smiled and waved. A few seconds later her and Derek's eyes crossed. She looked down.  
"Hey. Can I come in? I think we need to talk. I didn't have anyone to look after her." Derek insisted.  
"It's fine" Meredith removed the chain "Come in"  
Derek stood in the hall way. "So..." he said while he looked around. He didn't want to yell, but he didn't know what to say either.  
"This is where I live. Where we live. And you are here." Meredith stammered "and we have a child."  
"We do" Derek nodded.  
"We have. You can see her -if you want to. Obviously" Meredith looked into his blue eyes.  
"Of course – I'd love to." Derek smiled. He was relieved.  
"Can I talk, please? I don't know what's going to happen" she admitted and let him into the living room where they both sat down. "I didn't know I was pregnant when I left. I only found out weeks into the pregnancy"  
"Why didn't you tell me? We could have figured something out. I would have paid child support. I would have helped you." Derek told her "I'm going to call my financial adviser first thing tomorrow and make sure she's been taken care of."  
"You were in Seattle" Meredith looked at him.  
"Were you ever going to tell me?" he wondered.  
"I actually planned to call you. The day the divorce papers arrived." She admitted. She knew that he would put this on him, if she didn't continue. So she chose to lie "I didn't afterwards"  
"You named her after your mother" he noted  
"It seemed apt. She and Richard; you and me. We never..." she paused. Derek didn't know an awful lot about Boston "I realized we weren't all that different."  
"Ellis and Richard had a child?" It was still hard to believe for Derek.  
"Yes, you met her when you were in L.A. She was the girl at the bar" Meredith told him with a smile on her face.  
"You were the girl at the bar" he insisted.  
"That was a million years ago." Meredith nodded. She was calm and he was calm. "She's a cardio surgeon -child prodigy, very focused. It's sort of ironic that she was the child my mom put up for adoption."  
"Dr. Pierce. How did you meet her?" Derek wondered. Of all the questions he could have asked, this was one of the least interesting.  
"Mass. Gen. We didn't exactly hit it off. Or we did -until she told me Ellis was her mother. I'm not good with sisters you know" Meredith giggled.  
"You were." Derek took her hand "Lexie misses you"  
Meredith pulled back. "She stopped calling -months ago – after Mark was in Boston. He promised he would look after her. What about you? How's life with Zola and Ms. Shepherd..."  
"I don't have someone. The woman at the ceremony was a friend – my therapist. I came here alone – and Zola and I, we're a pretty good team." Derek smiled. "It's hard to be an only parent."  
"I see, things worked out for you" Meredith nodded. "Everybody loves you"  
"I have everything I ever wanted -almost" Derek tried to smile, but looking into her eyes and not being able to have her, was too much to process.

Alex came into the room holding Ellis. "This one needs a new diaper"  
"You are living with Alex" Derek looked at Meredith "Why?"  
"I..." Meredith paused. She looked at Ellis, Alex and Derek. She lived with Alex because Alex had been there.  
"He of all people" Derek whispered and looked at him in detest.  
"I didn't know anyone when I came here" Meredith got up and took Ellis out of Alex' arms "I moved here on short notice and the hospital hadn't found a place yet...and...it's hard on your own"  
"That's what happens when you come to a new city. Who did you live with in Boston?" Derek wondered.  
"By myself –" Meredith stated "until Maggie moved in"  
Derek nodded. "It's late, but I want to know more about Ellis"  
"I have to change her" Meredith nodded "Let's talk over dinner tomorrow. We can talk about anything you want"

* * *

Seattle 10 months ago

Cristina walked up to Derek and accidentally gave him a little push from behind "Mc Dreamy is going on a date" she mumbled. Derek turned around and looked at her. Those must have been the first words she had spoken to him in month.  
"I see rumours travel fast" he said.  
"You vowed 'forever' on your cutiesy note" she insisted.  
Derek turned around "I don't think this is something I have to discuss with you, Dr. Yang. Meredith left because... "  
"you told her to leave. 'Meredith, I can't find any reason why you'd do something like that. I'm glad you got fired and I hope you won't ever be in the position to ruin someone's life like this'." She told him while badly trying to imitate his voice "I listened to the voicemail a few times."

* * *

Baltimore present day

"Are you sure you can do this?" Meredith looked at Alex. She was beyond nervous. The whole day had gone by without ever noticing anything. She had locked herself in the lab and luckily it had been a quiet day.  
"I work with babies every day, I'm sure I can figure out how to keep this one alive for five or six hours" he joked. Meredith nodded. They both knew that this wasn't about him looking after Ellis, but about Meredith's own anxiety.  
They both looked at each other, Meredith couldn't help herself but be amazed how comfortable Ellis seemed to be with him."Thanks" she whispered and grabbed her car keys.

Meredith was 15 minutes late by the time she arrived at the restaurant Derek had picked. He was seated at a table with an amazing view of the harbour. He was looking at his phone nervously before he noticed that she had arrived "I ordered a bottle of Merlot for us. You are late"  
"I'm sorry. About everything." She told him and sat down "I shouldn't have left without an explanation and I should have told you about Ellis"  
The view was breath taking. The scrub nurse he had talked to hadn't lied. This was the perfect restaurant. They sat at the table and Derek couldn't quite decide how they looked like to strangers. They were dressed too casual for a date and too informal for a business venture as well. To his surprise they actually got to talk. "Jackson never mentioned that he begged his grandfather to pull some strings. Everyone was worried when you left. I was worried" he told her. He didn't want to mention all the sleepless nights or the almost phone calls. He was past worrying about this.  
"You told me to leave. That's what I did. I swore him to secrecy. I had to lie low for a while -and they called every day, every week for a while and eventually most of them gave up." Meredith told him while she poured a glass of wine for herself. She looked at the label and she knew the vineyard. It was almost ironic that they offered the wine here

 _"_ _I don't want 48 uninterrupted hours. I want a lifetime"_

"I was busy. I had a scientific trial, a pregnancy and the last year of residency. It was intense. The first day off was out holiday for Independence Day weekend in California after the boards. But Ellis was there -you don't have a day off if you are a single parent. I guess that's something you know already"  
He nodded. "Zola saved me"  
"I'm glad she did." Meredith nodded. "I'd love to meet her, if that's okay"  
"We have shared custody" Derek nodded "For both of them. We'll figure something out."  
"So, that's what that custody paragraph in our divorce papers was about. Zola!" Meredith had read this paragraph a thousand times "I thought you knew about the pregnancy for quite some time and wanted to play mind-games. We've shared custody."  
"For both of them" Derek nodded "When I got her back, I... I never had the courage to call"  
Meredith nodded and looked down. She had to smile upon the realisation that she had kept something from her as much as she had kept something from him "You are a hypocrite... you haven't told me about Zola" Meredith looked at him. "I guess we are both terrible people." They both laughed.  
"I used to dream about you." Derek nodded. "I always had this dream that someday you'd just show up at my door -at our door- and everything would be fine. You'd tell me that you were sorry for being away so long"  
"You told me to vanish off the surface of the earth" Meredith reminded him.  
"Yes"  
"Your lawyer must have known where I was" Meredith added. "I mean he sent the papers"  
"I was too proud, Mer. I thought you had ruined my career" Derek told her "and when I had put my life back together and read about your trial, I figured it was too late. I figured that you had put the broken pieces together and that it wasn't my place to waltz back into your life"  
"and you won a Harper Avery" Meredith snapped "Sorry, I didn't mean to. You can see her tomorrow. I'm working the night shift, so you can have her at night if you want."

* * *

Seattle 10 months ago

and Derek sat in Joe's bar. He had left his date at the restaurant after dessert. "Your date didn't go well" Alex said when Derek sat down next to him at Joe's.  
"It didn't. It's something Yang said. It's my fault" Derek nodded and ordered a scotch.  
"No, it's my fault. I was jealous. I shouldn't have snitched. – everybody hates me now" Alex sighed "She was the only one who always had my back."  
"Arizona is very fond of you" Derek told him.  
"She's the only one I guess" Alex sighed.  
"I was an ass. You shouldn't have been..." Derek started.  
"What happened on that date?" Alex cut him off. This was not the time to throw a pity party for Derek.  
"It felt like a waste of time" Derek sighed "She was a nice girl, but she didn't give me that feeling. I mean it felt good at first. I enjoyed talking to her and she's smart, intelligent and good looking, but I didn't get that feeling. At least I thought I didn't until I did –for a second- and when I realized it, I felt guilty because... she wasn't Meredith"  
"What feeling?" Alex wondered.  
"Like coming up for fresh air" Derek smiled.  
"Oh man, you are just as screwed up as I am. You must hate me." Alex shook his head.  
"Why?"  
"Because she left you because of me" Alex sighed.  
"She left because I told her to leave" Derek admitted. "I miss her."  
"I miss her too, but there's no point in holding on to the past." Alex told him "If you want to do something, you gotta tell her. You gotta tell the people you love that you love them while you still can."

* * *

Baltimore present day

Meredith walked into daycare the next morning and noticed that Derek was waiting for her and Ellis. "Ellis" Derek smiled. "Come to daddy"  
"Maggie likes Lizzie better – and so does Alex" Meredith nodded. "So, if you want to call her Lizze too, that's okay. It caught on."The way Derek looked at Ellis warmed up her heart in ways she didn't think would be possible.  
"Maggie as in Dr. Pierce" Derek wondered. "The one I met in L.A. Hold on, you told me you went to L.A.. You've been there."  
"Yeah" Meredith nodded. "She helped out a lot"  
"Can I tell my family about her?" Derek wondered.  
Meredith was caught by surprise, but she knew better than to yell at Derek. "She's your daughter" she stated "You can do whatever you wish to" It was inevitable. This was her new life. A single mom with two kids who lived at her house half the time and at their dad's house the other half.  
"My family is probably going to be here before I had a chance to drop the phone" Derek joked. He was laughing, but Meredith couldn't laugh along. She had started to giggle, but she forced herself to stop.  
"It's okay. You don't have to consider my feelings. They'll find out anyway -and in two weeks time we're not going to be any less divorced and she's still going to be your daughter" Meredith told him "You can do a paternity test if you..."  
"I don't need to do one. She looks like Amelia when she was her age" Derek nodded. While he was looking at her everything came back to him, the suppressed feelings, the feeling of anger and betrayal, the deep love they had shared. He felt like he couldn't breathe "You, I can't look at you Meredith." He couldn't breathe.  
"I can go" Meredith bit her lips.  
"Oh, yeah, because that's what you do best! You leave! You just leave!" Derek muttered "We could have figured things out if you would have told me about the pregnancy! You know, I'm not that type of guy. I'm not your father!"  
"Maybe I didn't want her to grow up in loveless home where her father resents her mother." Meredith told him with tears in her eyes. She noticed that he had a panic attack and grabbed a paper bag from her diaper bag. "You need to breathe. Slowly. Just breathe." She told him with a calm voice and took his hand. "I know you can do this, just breathe."  
When Derek had calmed down he whispered "You are mistaken"  
"About what?" she wondered.  
"It wouldn't have been loveless"  
They both stood there, neither one knew how to react. Meredith was still holding his hand even though she could have let go a minute ago. "Derek, you cannot look at me" she insisted "and it's okay, we can talk when you can look at me again"  
"I'll drop her off tomorrow" he told Meredith.

* * *

Seattle 10 months ago

"I can't believe you did what you did after all the effort I put into this! I would have expected a little kiss" Mark told Derek the morning after the date.  
"I thought I was ready, but I'm not. I'm not ready to be hurt like this again!" Derek told him.  
Mark put on a cutesy voice "Meredith ruined me! I don't want to get laid! Ugh, I don't..."  
"How did that date with my intern go?" Derek wondered.  
"Dr. Grey paged me half way through the main course" Mark sighed.  
"Back to Dr. Grey?" Derek laughed. "Don't ruin it, Mark. Unless you want to see her holding hands with someone else one day. Someone who took your chance"  
"Is this about Meredith?" Mark wondered  
"Yeah, I feel like the next time I'll see her she won't even notice me because she'll busy laughing at the jokes someone else makes" Derek sighed "It'll burn my heart to realize that I'm not the reason for her smile "  
"It was Lexie -and it's always going to be Lexie" Mark told him "I'm just waiting for her to be ready"

* * *

Baltimore present day

Derek started the video chat with his sister. "Who are you babysitting?" she wondered when she saw Ellis sitting next to him.  
"Liz, I have news." Derek smiled  
"Amelia had a baby?" his sister smiled. "Gosh, she looks just like her. Amy never mentioned"  
Derek laughed. "No, I want you to meet Elisabeth Grey Shepherd"  
"You and the ex wife? Why didn't you tell me?" his sister wondered "She's gorgeous. I mean, I get you wouldn't mention it to Nance, but I have always been your partner in crime"  
"She kept it from me. I didn't find out until a few days ago when day-care paged me." He laughed at the thought of it "I looked like an idiot -and I bought a motorcycle"  
"Some things never change, do they?" his sister giggled. They both knew that the last time he had bought a motorcycle was when he had met Addison and was trying to impress her "How did they know to page you?"  
"Well, she filled in my name at registration" Derek sighed.  
"So she hasn't been secretive to everyone" Liz wondered.  
"I even have custody due to our post-nuptial –and everyone calls her Lizzie. So you might have competition for my favourite Liz Shepherd"  
"Wasn't that supposed to make sure she... would get the rights to Zola if something happened to you?" Liz laughed. Her brother seemed happier than she had seen him in a long time.  
"Yeah, but the clause applies to both of them"  
"What is she like?" Liz wondered "I bet she'll be my favourite niece"  
"Look at her" Derek smiled "I babysat her for like 4 hours"  
"It's not babysitting if it's your baby" Liz giggled.  
"She's been quiet"  
"Are you going to tell mom?" his sister wondered.  
"Once I see her in person" Derek nodded "I was going to come over in a few weeks"  
"So, you are talking to Meredith?" his sister always knew what questions to ask.  
"We are working together." He sighed.  
"You miss her Derek, I know the look on your face" his sister nodded "The fantasy of what you imagined you could have had with her... just admit that you are not over her"  
"Don't psyche me" Derek told her and hung up before kissing Ellis' forehead.


	13. Chapter 13

_Brace yourself! This ride is about to get bumpy..._

* * *

 **Chapter 13**

Baltimore present day

"Derek told his family" Meredith sat next to Alex. He was holding Ellis and was reading „The Little prince" to Ellis.  
"It was bound to happen someday" Alex told her. „You always knew that this day would come." In fact they had discussed the possibility a million times since Alex had run into Meredith at the beginning of her fellowship –before Derek had turned up in Baltimore _.  
_ "I never thought it would be so soon. I thought it would be a few year of being just us." Meredith admitted. "How are you and Wilson?"  
"She's a resident." Alex dismissed her inquiry. He didn't want to talk about it. "What about her?"  
"Alex" Meredith teased him. "I know your sex face and this isn't your sex face, but you two spend an awful lot of time together." Meredith paused and put Ellis' meal into the microwave. "You have feelings for her and the fact…"  
"Saying the s-word in front of your daughter – really?"Alex interrupted Meredith. They exchanged a few looks until Alex finally admitted "She's different"  
"So what am I going to do about Derek?" Meredith sat down on the couch. When the microwave finished, she got up and started to feed Ellis. Peas, carrots, chicken breast and rice- that kid was a health nut and into clean eating.  
"You two are in the same city now, he knows, you call him. I'll take Ellis for the night and you get to talk" Alex said and got up. "Something tells me you two are meant to work this out – this is a sign from the universe or whatever"  
"I stopped believing in this meant to be crap a long time ago" Meredith told him.  
"So what are you? Friends?" Alex questioned her.  
"Maybe we are nothing" Meredith told him "Maybe we are just a divorced couple who share custody. I don't know."

* * *

Boston 10 months ago

Meredith's eyes were strolling across the gallery. It was the last patient of the trial. If the medium term patients continued to maintain their insulin levels, the method would be approved by the FDA. One year after she had gotten fired, she couldn't overlook the irony. Her name would be published in major journal and she couldn't help but wonder what Derek would think -or Cristina or any of the rest.  
"Dr. Grey, a 5th year resident, who recently modified Dr. Springer's method to improve the effectiveness of the device, is going to start the procedure" Meredith heard the Chief resident via intercom. General surgeons from a few other teaching hospitals were attending "The device is small enough to be inserted laparoscopically -a development that has been achieved by adapting various prototypes and hundreds of dedicated hours in the lab."  
Meredith continued the procedure like countless times before. She had inserted the device into mice hundreds of times, she had assisted with five patients before they had to modify the prototype the first time. Ellis had started kicking some time during the third generation of prototypes and this would be the last surgery before her maternity leave. "I'm placing the device now" she told the resident next to her.  
"Good job, thank you, Dr. Grey" Dr. Springer smiled. "It's been a pleasure. See you when the baby is born"

* * *

Baltimore present day

Thanksgiving was a happy occasion for most people – but the majority of them wasn't stuck in a hospital during the holiday. Derek had planned to go home, but his flight had been cancelled and now he had decided to fill for a colleague and leave Zola at day care. He had been too shy to ask Meredith what she was going to do. He hadn't checked her work schedule either. He decided that she didn't invite him to whatever plans she had made because she didn't want him there – after all they were a divorced couple.  
In light of this assumption he was delighted to find her in an OR and Ellis signed in at daycare. Maybe she didn't have plans after all. He watched her from the gallery. A man had fell in the kitchen and punctured his liver with a knife. Things like that happened on Thanksgiving, maybe he should consider himself lucky to be on this side of the OR gallery –and not on the table.

Suddenly he flat lined and Derek watched Meredith try to get him back. After five minutes he interrupted her "He's gone Dr. Grey" Derek tried to stop Meredith's tiredless attempt to get back the patient.  
"No, he isn't. I refuse to believe that" she told him "Push epi"  
"It's alright, we did everything we could have. He's too far gone. His brain and other organs have been deprived of oxygen for too long." Derek shouted. "His heart hasn't been beating"  
"Did we? He came in here with no chance, you've been trying to talk me out of this the whole night. If there would have been any other neurosurgeon" she stopped.  
"Dr. Grey. It's been a long night and I'm sure..." Derek nodded.  
"... I do mean what I said... you don't trust me in the OR" she yelled back.  
"Why would I trust you?" he wondered.  
Nobody said a word. All anybody could hear was their breath and the never ending sound of the heart monitor.  
Suddenly they were interrupted by a 'beep beep' and the rhythm returned to normal.  
"Because he isn't gone" Meredith told him "Can I continue now?"  
"How did you know?" a resident wondered.  
"His heart just needed to learn how to beat on its own. He just lost something huge, something that has been with her since day one. His heart just needs to learn how to beat without that extra load. He just needs a little time to adjust."

* * *

Boston 10 months ago

"There's cake in the resident's lounge" Maggie smiled  
"I know, I'll be there in a second" Meredith sighed. She couldn't keep herself from thinking of the last baby shower in a hospital she had attended. Mere hours later Callie had been put though a windshield -and she had been crying over the baby they didn't have.  
"Seriously? Mer, they don't have all day" Maggie insisted. Meredith nodded. The lounge was filled with a large group of interns who had bought a gift for her.  
"We didn't know if you'd like pink, so we got you gender neutral clothes" the Asian smiled "and we wanted to thank you for... being Medusa"  
"We thought you were being a bitch, but we get it. You're being a bitch, but we get it. You're being hurt on us because there are lives at stake and we're supposed to learn." The perky blonde said.  
"We had this resident, we called the Nazi. She was like that" Meredith smiled "Dr. Miranda Bailey"  
"She? I thought the Nazi would be a guy" the brown haired intern who had had a crush on her until he had firued out she was pregnant.  
"Do you still hate us?" the forth one wondered "you said that wasn't going to change"  
"Oh, I'll probably name my child after you" Meredith chuckled. "I'll kick your asses if you don't pass your intern exam"

* * *

Baltimore present day

After she had finished the surgery and updated the patient's family, she waltzed into Derek's office. His secretary was not able to stop her "What do you think you are doing? Nothing changed, Derek, we still have the same problems like we did in Seattle even though now we aren't even in a relationship! You don't respect my opinion!" she looked at Derek who was sitting on his desk. He had watched the rest of her surgery in the gallery and when she had paged neuro, he had walked in and taken over – he had told her to stop working on a patient that she had managed to get back.  
He turned around and looked at her. "Maybe I'd respect you if you hadn't run away from your problems. How do I know you stick around long enough to get through them?" Derek yelled at Meredith "You are not experienced enough in that OR. You might have looked at ten or twenty of those cases, but I have seen hundreds."  
"I'm always going to be that intern to you." Meredith noted. "and you are always going to be that hot shot neuro surgeon."  
"That's how you see yourself, Meredith!" Derek told her. "There's nothing I can do about that" But he realized she was right. Had she been any other attending he wouldn't have acted like this. He had to get used to the fact that he couldn't be mad at her every time the occasion arose.  
"Fine! Tell me why you stole my surgery, told me to give up my patient!" Meredith told her „"Tell me why you walked into that OR and told me to quit! Tell me why you wanted me to give up my patient!"  
„Because you were ..." Derek muttered. She had grown a lot more confident throughout the past two years. "I'm your boss and you didn't listen."  
"I didn't listen because I didn't need to listen to you." Meredith stated calmly. "I knew what I was doing. You just couldn't trust me!" That was it! He didn't trust her.  
"Why would I trust you Meredith? Why should I ever trust you?" he asked "When things got hard you ran away, you left your sister, your friends, you left me and you never bothered to tell me I had a daughter. I have no reason to trust you! You constantly leave me!"  
"You moved to Seattle! When things got hard with Addison, you ran" she said and left. "Maybe we are not all that different- and you didn't tell me about Zola, so don't act like you are the victim here. I was going to invite you to our thanksgiving dinner, but I guess Alex and I are going to be fine on our own."

* * *

Boston 10 months ago

Two days later Meredith was back in the hospital, the contractions had gotten more intense and closer. "Maggie, you have to call Derek if I die during childbirth." Meredith told her sister while filling in all the necessary paper work.  
"You are not going to die. Do you know how low mortality rates are?" Maggie reminded her. She looked at the forms. She was Meredith's emergency contact.  
"I'm not a best case scenario person" Meredith laughed. "I drowned once – and I almost died in a bomb explosion"  
"You'll be fine" Maggie kissed her forehead.  
"and you are that kind of person who hands you a marshmallow to roast them when you tell them the world is on fire" Meredith laughed.  
"I'm not"  
"Did you sleep in an on-call room again to avoid sleeping at your fiance's house?"  
"I..." Maggie hesitated. "slept at your place"  
"See, and you have to be the one that tells my ex husband that he has a kid if I die."  
"If you die, which you won't" Maggie nodded "I'm going to call Derek if something happens to you."

* * *

Baltimore present day  
"You paged me? Want to check if I killed any patients?" Meredith asked when she walked back into Derek's office "I didn't." She looked around and saw a picture of them. It was a picture of her and him with Zola – it hadn't been there earlier.  
"I'm sorry." Derek said.  
"Well, you better be." Meredith said and sat down on the chair in front of Derek's table.  
"I'm here." He said and got up. He walked over to her and leaned against his table "Two years ago I never bothered to show up, but now I do because...the post it... I meant it."  
"You are willing to work on us? Or what am I supposed to get out of this" Meredith wondered and couldn't believe the hypocrisy of this statement. "We aren't friends. We are two people who used to be married." He had been the one that had refused to talk to her for the better of three weeks before she had left and he had been the one that was completely out of line in the OR earlier.  
"Yeah, if we want to be in our kids lives we have to learn how to be civil around each other." He said. "We have to start being a team"  
"Well, it might start by not kicking me out of my own OR." She bit back "I'm mad! You made me look like an incompetent."  
"I told you, Mer. I'm sorry". He said. He had acted on his feelings.  
"I don't want you to say the words, I want you to mean them" she said. "It would have worked just fine. When I asked you how you choose the right clip during my 2nd year of residency you told me to trust my intuition, that I'd just look at the situation in front of me and I'd know."  
"I was out of line. I'm sorry". He said. "Have you ever wondered where we would be if the past two years hadn't happened like this?"  
"You won a Harper Avery and I… I'm a hot shot general fellow at one of the best hospitals in this country. We made it pretty far in our careers." Meredith answered. Their careers – that was all they had strived in."We haven't seen each other in two years and here we are after a few weeks -fighting and yelling at each other"  
"I used to think about it… but not anymore. The past is the past. There's nothing we can do about it." Derek said. They both had made mistakes. "We can't undo the past, all we can do is accept that it happened and learn from it"  
"Do you think we'd be together?" she wondered. "I mean, you must have thought about it. I did"  
"I'm convinced we would." He nodded with a smile. "We would be happy – we'd have Zola and a little boy on his way- and we'd be living in the house in the forest"  
"Why?" she looked at him and looked at the happy family picture of him, Mark and Zola, Lexie and Sofia.  
"Because - remember when we had our first huge fight- I told you that I felt like I was drowning and you were like coming up from fresh air." He paused for a second. He felt like music was started playing in the background "I still feel that way". He wanted to tell her what he had felt when she had bumped into him a few weeks ago, he wanted to tell her what it had felt like to see her walk away during the Harper Avery Award acceptance speech or what it had been like to get Zola back and realize he was alone. "We'd be happy"  
They moved closer to each other. Meredith looked at him "Don't say those words unless you mean them because I'm inclined to believe them." She wanted to believe what he had told her –and the million things he hadn't said, but she had seen on his face, but she had not forgotten, she remembered all the little things that linked him to her. The color and kind of car he drove, the cheesy song he listened to on the radio –those would always take her back.  
"I'm not sure if we'll make it, but I'll give it my best shot, Meredith" He said and his hands touched her neck, his lips touched hers. "I can tell you why I want to be with you, why I'm still in love with you, but you better take some time, because I could tell you all night" Their lips touched. Time froze. In a movie we'd see a close up. His favourite song was playing in her mind. It was a tune she had blocked out for too long.  
They kissed. For the first time in two years their lips touched and it felt like a firework. His song was playing and she didn't feel like changing the station.

* * *

Boston 10 months ago

It's easy to dial a number, push the green button and wait for the other person to pick up the phone. The more time passes between the last phone call and the one you are about to make, the more courage you need to hold the line "Hey, I know it's been a while. I'd love to catch up. I'm in town next week" didn't suffice in Meredith's situation. She wanted to call Derek and tell Derek about their beautiful daughter, but he didn't answer the phone and this was a message she didn't want to leave on his voicemail. Now she was starring at her phone.  
"He doesn't answer his phone" Meredith sighed.  
"Maybe, he's in surgery" Maggie suggested "The nrse at the desk told me he was in surgery when I called the hospital. They promised me they'd forward the message."  
"You called a neurosurgeon for a cardio consult?"  
"No, I stole a case file from another fellow" Maggie laughed "I wanted it to be gentle. You know, talk and drop the bomb when he seems comfortable."  
"Evil" Meredith giggled "and if he doesn't want to talk to me, I don't want him to know"  
"It's only been twelve hours" Maggie tried to calm her down.  
"I've been in labour for almost fifteen" Meredith cried "I want Derek here, I need him to be here. Call him".  
"Close your eyes" Maggie insisted. "I'll take your hand and you'll pretend that I'm Derek. I'll tell you to keep breathing. Just breathe!"

Twenty minutes later Meredith was exhausted, but the midwife had good news "I see the head, Dr. Grey. You're almost there"  
"She's beautiful, Mer" Maggie smiled while taking her and bringing her to an exam table "and you aren't dead"  
"She looks like him" Meredith whispered when Maggie placed her on her breast.  
"What do you want to call her?" Maggie wondered.  
"Ellis"

* * *

Baltimore present day

Meredith woke up on the couch in Derek's office "I'm an idiot. We shouldn't have done this. I knew this was a stupid idea to begin with"  
As she grabbed her clothes, he woke up "Shall we go again?"  
"No! Absolutely no, I have to leave." She said and left his office. When she arrived at the parking lot, he finally caught up with her.  
"Derek, I've had a long day." Meredith brushed him off. "I'm tired"  
"Yeah, we should probably talk about that."  
Meredith turned around and looked at him "What is there to talk about?" she wondered "We had sex. That's it.  
"That's not it, and we should talk about that." He insisted.  
"Fine. Fine. Talk about it. - We had sex. –" she kept yelling "We had sex. And that was " She paused. "Confusing." She said at the same time as Derek whispered "- Amazing."  
"Oh, man. - It was sure, it was also amazing, - but this is why I –" she paused "See? "  
"No! Stop, stop! I'm not confused about the situation. I know exactly what it was. Because it was it was amazing. It felt good! For the first time in forever, it felt like us!" Derek smiled "And then then I saw it. I saw it on your face, Meredith. This was it. This was goodbye. We never had this before you left, but this was it. And then I thought, "Well, if we're over, this is the way to go out." At least this is what I want to remember the amazing" he swallowed and his voice broke "I wanted it to end where we began, on a couch, in love, and I just want to keep us there for a minute. And anything you say right now is gonna ruin it, so please just don't!"  
"Don't you see? This is what you do. You just decide how things are gonna go. – " Meredith told him.  
"I am not the one deciding in this situation!" Derek tried to argue, but Meredith stuck to her point "Of course you're the one deciding!"  
"What?! -  
"Derek, you're always deciding! You decide to go to New York for Christmas. You decide that I have to leave Seattle. You decide if I should stay. You decide you need me, then you decide you don't. You decide we can talk. You decide we cannot." Meredith looked into his eyes. "I don't want to talk because I know what you're gonna say! You're gonna"  
"You don't know what I'm going to say! – " he smiled.  
"I'm pretty sure I do. –"Meredith insisted "I have to get home before Ellis wakes up.  
"It doesn't matter! You don't! –" Derek insisted.  
"Fine! Th-then go ahead! Say it." Meredith shouted, but Derek didn't react "Oh, my God! Derek! God, please, just say it!"  
"I think I'm still in love with you"


	14. Chapter 14

_For those who thought the last chapter was confusing: It was meant to be confusing. Meredith doesn't know what to do yet. There are a lot of feelings and she doesn't know how to piece them together into a picture she likes._

* * *

 **Chapter 14**

* * *

Baltimore present day

A few minutes after leaving the hospital Meredith stormed into her room "Is everything okay?" Alex followed Meredith to her room. "You don't look okay"  
"It's fine. It really is, I'm... " she stammered. Her hair was messy – it hadn't been combed and she didn't know what to say. She didn't know how to feel.  
"What happened? You've been away all night" Alex wondered "I was worried –and looking at you I was right to be worried. Where have you been?"  
"I've been in surgery –and I slept with Derek –and it felt so good – until it didn't. Then it felt really really bad. He's driving me insane." Meredith admitted. She had worked so hard to persuade herself that she was over him, and when they had kissed it had felt like an explosion inside of her and all the unresolved feelings had returned, all the rejection, all the joy and all the feelings. Every moment from the day they had met to the day she had left Seattle had flashed before her eyes.  
"I don't get it, he shows up and all of a sudden you are dark and twisty again. You've stopped wearing that straight hair and..." Alex paused. She felt like she was back to being 'that young intern' again and she hated herself for believing she was.  
"I know, Alex. I thought I was okay with being civil and doing that co-parenting thing. I mean it works out for Mark, Callie and Arizona." Meredith sighed "We are trying to work things out and this – this is what makes this messy. Sex makes everything so messy. When did I start to sleep with inappropriate people again?"  
"I don't know." Alex smirked. "But Arizona and Callie... They... it's different with you and Shepherd"  
"Thanks for being my person" Meredith smiled  
"I have no clue what that means" Alex said while Meredith hugged him  
"You do though" Meredith smiled  
"You are welcome. I haven't given up on a happy ending for you" Alex smiled.

 _"_ _I dunno... it's just... Meredith always makes me think screwed up people have a chance"_

"I have. He told me he still loved me. All this time I thought he's so over me-I was angry at myself for messing up my fairytale –and for taking away my life and for... making me feel like a failure" Meredith told Alex. "We were finished, when I came here..."  
"You slept with him and didn't he ask you to come to his house to break the news to his mother?" Alex wondered "I don't think he's finished, and I don't think you are either. I told you not to have sex with him while he sorts things out"  
"He did."  
"How was the sex?"  
"Mind blowing" she admitted "I have to meet Derek in 40 minutes. I need to hurry"  
"Mer, are you sure you don't want to take a break and sleep?" Alex wondered "You know, take a mental health day"  
"We agreed to meet with the kids yesterday..."  
"Calm down, Mer. Why did you agree to it anyway?" Alex looked at her. "I know you are trying to figure out a practical solution, but don't you think two kids are too much after a 36h shift and a ... what is it you're going to do with Derek today?"  
"He promised me to put me on this amazing case... I know... I'm a terrible human being." She sighed.  
"For sex?" Alex wondered.  
"NO, for meeting, I'm not such a terrible human being" Meredith giggled.  
"So, what kind of sex was it? Make-up sex or break-up sex?" Alex wondered.  
"It was you know, I-I have no idea, actually. –" she admitted. For a minute it had felt like break up sex, but Derek's reaction in the parking lot told her otherwise.  
"Well, what did Derek say?" Alex looked at her.  
"Nothing. He didn't say anything. I left and now he's not talking to me. Let's be done talking about this now." Meredith insisted as the memories of one of their break ups came to her mind.

 _"_ _Meredith? Meredith. I um You're not ready for this."  
_ _"_ _No."  
"I asked for too much."  
"I think so."  
"So this is it?"  
"Yeah."  
"We're breaking up."  
"We're breaking up."  
"We're broken up. It's done."  
"A breakup kiss."  
"A breakup kiss."  
"I want some breakup sex."  
"Yeah. Breakup sex."_

"Agreed. –" Alex nodded, but started to talk to her anyway "Well, okay, 'cause, you know, break-up sex is, um well, it feels sad-happy. It's an emotional potpourri. All the feelings, all the history, all of it it's all just right there, because it's you know, you just know. You just know that it's the last time, and it's like taking in all the air you can before you go underwater. It's like "do me or die." Break-up sex is the best." Alex told her.  
"Yeah, but then you're broken up." Meredith nodded. "Make-up sex is better, because make-up sex is like coming up for air when you thought there wouldn't be any more air. So it's like all is forgiven, and you can throw off your troubles and your clothes, and you're like out of the dark and into the light, full speed ahead. Oh, God, it's the best."  
"So Which was it?" Alex asked straight out.  
"I'm not answering that." Meredith told Alex. She didn't know.  
"See? Messy..." Alex told her "We have to get going"

* * *

Seattle 10 months ago

"It's not working." Lexie looked at the results of their latest batch.  
"and we'll keep trying until it does." Derek encouraged her. So far they had hit wall after wall.  
"Aren't you afraid it won't?" she wondered.  
"It will. Brain development is a tricky subject." He told her.  
"Hit or miss." Lexie nodded.  
"Exactly. You either get it totally right or completely wrong. There's no inbetween." Derek smiled "that what makes it so fascinating"  
"That's why you're convinced that we'll get it right?" Lexie looked at him.  
"Exactly. Sometimes one tiny little thing can ruin everything and we'll find out what's going wrong -and we'll fix it." Derek insisted.  
Lexie knew that somewhere deep down he wasn't talking about their trial. "If it can be fixed." She nodded  
"Under the right conditions anything can be fixed." He smiled.  
"I like your enthusiasm" Lexie rolled her eyes.  
"and I don't like your sarcasm"  
"I slept with Mark last night." She told him.

* * *

Baltimore present day

It was a sunny December day, people met at the harbour for ice-cream or to take the ferry to the other side of the bay. Meredith had stopped her car and looked at Alex. She knew that she needed to leave the car. "I can do this" she said and opened the door. Alex watches her as she took Ellis out of her car seat when Derek parked his car next to her. Zola and Derek waved to her, Ellis waved back. It'd be the first time they met outside of day-care so Meredith was nervously awaiting the kids' encounter. Derek had told her to come to this address. He had picked one of the docks and Meredith was looking at one of the ferryboat terminals.  
"Why a ferryboat?" she wondered. It seemed like an odd place to meet new family members.  
"You can't run away" Derek joked.  
"I could jump into the water and drown myself." Meredith laughed "I've done it before" She had. She had been dead for hours after Derek had pulled her out of the water.  
"Don't." Derek insisted. "People at the hospital are starting to talk about us."  
"I haven't noticed –and I don't care"  
"You changed"  
"You haven't changed" Meredith noted and looked at her daughter who had walked up to Derek and wanted to hold his hand "and you already won over Ellis' heart".  
"eo Dada." The young girl said.  
„Hello Ellis." He smiled. „Zola, this is your little sister."  
„Ellis, this is Zola." Meredith explained to Ellis.

* * *

Boston 9 months ago

Some plans work out, others don't. "If you think it's a good idea to return to work three weeks after giving birth, you might want to reconsider." Meredith sat in the Chief's office and listened to his lecture on parenthood. "I'm sure the baby dad would love to help."  
"Well, I have board exams, I need the OR time" Meredith insisted. Ellis would be in day-care while she was going to prepare for the most important day of her career. She had gotten used to questions about the baby daddy and this conversation was no different."  
"Ellis never told the baby daddy about Dr. Pierce" the senior physician told her "I assumed it would have changed things"  
"She knew what she was doing" Meredith insisted and couldn't believe she was defending one of the worst things her mother had done.  
"Your mother was proud. Too proud" he insisted "Magret grew up just across the street from where Catherine lived at the time. We saw her in the supermarket every now and then. I knew. I knew and I never mentioned it to anyone."  
"What happened with Jackson's dad?" she asked.  
"I'm afraid that's too personal" he swallowed.  
"In that case I'm afraid I can't talk about this either" Meredith left the room "I'll take my daughter to day-care now and I'll see you in the OR."  
"Dr. Grey, things will be easier once he knows"

* * *

Baltimore present day

They stood on the visitor deck and looked at each other. The kids were running around playing catch and Meredith and Derek stood at the railing and watched the skyline "What are we going to do now?" she wondered. It was an ubiquitous question. There were a hundred thousand paths to choose from.  
"Well, we can ride the ferry – all day if we want." He smiled and kept looking at the skyscrapers. "Just take it slow and enjoy the view. We can do this a lot more –take the day off, take the kids and ride the ferryboat"  
"Do you still wear your ferryboat scrub cap?" Meredith suddenly asked. She hadn't watched too many of his surgeries and she knew that it had always been his favourite.  
"It made its return very recently." He nodded "I bought wax ear plugs – just so you know."  
"Der…" Meredith said. She knew why he would buy ear plugs, but she wasn't ready to let him in. For the past weeks she had tried hard not to let anyone in. In Boston it had been Maggie and her and now it was Alex and her. Derek didn't fit into that picture.  
"Sorry, I was kidding." He smiled and backed off "What are we going to tell the kids if they start to ask questions?"  
"That we love them and that we are going to do our very best to make them happy." Meredith smiled and they looked at the kids for a while without talking. All the hurt and the pain they had suffered through during the past were too intense to deal with. It was best to leave it unspoken. "Why did you adopt Zola?"  
"She deserved a family and she's amazing." He said "I did quite the job on her shunt."  
"Don't flatter yourself, Derek." Meredith teased him. "Yeah, she seems great."  
"Some things are just meant to be." He smiled and looked at Meredith's face. "We can talk about last night if you want to."The past two years had changed her, but she was still the most captivating creature on the planet to him.  
"No, I'm fine. I need a little time" she smiled softly. "Can you tell me why you didn't even consider that Ellis could be your daughter?"  
"Maybe I was too hurt, maybe I didn't want to consider the possibility that there was a reality in which I had hurt the love of my life so much that she wouldn't even tell me I had a daughter. And I was so angry that you had moved on and were happy with somebody else"

* * *

Seattle 9 months ago

Dr. Springer's latest trial was all over the medical media. A few journals had published the findings and commentary on its impact on surgery. There was literally nobody that wasn't talking about it which meant that people at Seattle Grace finally found out what had happened to her.  
"Meredith published an article." Derek mumbled. "She's doing some super fancy trial with an attending at Mass Gen."  
"I thought this would come up. Cutting the edge technology. You are hitting a wall and she succeeds. You could write to her." Mark nodded.  
"This is what she should have done from the beginning. Working on her mother's idea" he sighed. He kept playing games in his head. What if she had worked with Bailey? Would they be happy with Zola? Would they be okay?  
"You can't keep thinking about it." Mark knew what he was doing "All those what-if's aren't healthy"  
"I do, in some other life we are standing side by side and laughing at that." He told Mark "Zola loves the kidney in the jar. She likes the glow and when she sees it her face lights up like Meredith's did when she first saw it"  
"I can't believe you kept that." Mark told him.

* * *

Baltimore present day

Derek had just tucked Zola in when he dialled his best friend's number. Mark was in Seattle waiting for his first son to be born. In an ironic turn of fate he had been a grandpa before he had fathered a son. Derek looked at the phone and noticed that Mark had picked up "Meredith and I rode the ferryboat together." He said.  
"Is this some sort of weird sex metaphor?" Mark smirked.  
"No, Mark, we rode the ferryboat." Derek said „Meredith, the kids and I – Ellis got to know her sister. It's a first step"  
"What did she say about the past two years?" Mark wondered.  
"Not much." Derek answered truthfully. So far he hadn't heard anything about it.  
"She's been gone for two years and hid your daughter from you." Mark reminded his friend "She should have told you something."  
"She didn't need to… I just knew." Derek said "I looked into her eyes and I knew –and she mentioned that you knew"  
"Help, don't tell me we are back to this again." Mark sighed.  
"Back to what?"  
"Back to, we might have a chance to go back to being a perfect little family." Mark used a sweet voice to tease him.  
"We had sex last night" Derek interrupted him.  
"and I guess she stormed off when she realized what was going on" Mark chuckled. Derek was surprised just how well Mark knew them.  
"You and Lexie have it" Derek insisted. If anything had been complicated it was Mark's and Lexie's love story.  
"Derek, you have to tell her how you felt, you can't go to being happy without talking about the last two years." Mark insisted "You've been in therapy – Christ, you even brought your therapist to your award ceremony. Even though I can't blame you – that chick was hot."  
"I didn't invite her because she's hot, I invited her for getting me where I am now." he said firmly „I'm not angry at Meredith anymore –and I hopefully my flight is on time tomorrow."

* * *

Boston 9 months ago

Hours of labour. Pain was all she felt by now. She was in so much pain, she didn't know how to get through this. Unlike labour there was no end to motherhood. 'What if I just die?'. She felt like nobody would miss her –and this feeling stayed with her. She felt exhausted and alone. Maggie worked long hours at the hospital and she stayed in her apartment all day. There was nobody to share the joy of motherhood with –or the pain. "I'm dying. I'm so tired. The baby is killing me." Meredith sighed "I don't have a clean shirt and her eyes are always on me. It's like she's judging me for not telling Derek about her"  
"She's four weeks old. She doesn't judge" Maggie laughed "So you are thinking about telling him?"  
"When I run into him" Meredith mumbled.  
"He's living in Seattle"  
"I know, that what makes this such a great plan" Meredith laughed.  
"I would have loved to meet your mother. Our mother -and my dad"  
"Richard is a good guy. He really is" "Maybe you should fly to Seattle and meet him"  
"You should go too"  
"I won't do this" Meredith said "Seattle is over. It's been a weird chapter of my life. I can't... I need to protect Ellis"

* * *

Baltimore present day

Alex was waiting for Meredith with a glass of wine in the kitchen. He had decorated the house. It almost looked like Meredith's house during their intern year when Izzie had decorated the entire house. Alex had never seen it, but Meredith still remembered the day when she, Izzie and George were starring at the Christmas lights. It had felt like everything was going to work out somehow. Ellis had fallen asleep on the way back to the house "How did it go?" he wondered.  
"We rode the ferryboat" Meredith smiled happily. They had been on a ferryboat for almost four hours.  
"Is this code for sex?" Alex teased her.  
"Alex, the kids were around -and a lot of other people" Meredith reminded him "and I'm trying to be celibate." There hadn't been anyone since she had left Seattle –except Derek.  
„Wait, Derek has been around for months, you hooked up with him in his office and ..." Alex said and they both exchanged a look. So far it had been work and the kids and barely any interaction on a personal level except for the dinner until today.  
„And we haven't had sex today." Meredith said „He's my boss -that's it. He's my boss".  
„He has always been your boss." Alex chuckled. This had never stopped Meredith.  
„Not when we met." She suggested „He was just a guy in a bar back then." Her smiled conveyed more than she wanted it to.  
"DO you have feelings for Derek?"  
"Me feelings for Derek?" Meredith laughed "NO I don't have feelings for Derek"

* * *

Seattle 7 months ago

"You deserve a break. Take Zola somewhere nice!" Mark encouraged his best friend.  
"I'm flying to L.A. Amy called. She has a tumour for me." Derek smiled "Is this enough of a break for you?"  
"Flying to another state to remove a tumour is not my idea of a break" Mark laughed.  
"I'll stay there the entire week. My sisters and my mother are flying in" Derek dreaded meeting them. They all had solid marriages and a bunch of kids – Amelia and he on the other hand were a completely different story.  
"I'm offended I'm not invited to this Shepherd bash" Mark told him.  
"I thought you are spending the holidays in Bahrain" Derek reminded him.  
"Rammstein, actually. Molly's husband got injured" Mark nodded.  
"Oh"  
"So, LA? Are you going to teach Zola how to surf?" Mark teased him.  
"Once she knows how to swim" Derek laughed.  
"and you can show off your awesome submission – you're Harper Avery material." Mark smiled "I know you'd get it right the second time around"  
"More like the hundredth time" Derek insisted "It's not about the Award. It's about curing Alzheimer. It's about buying time for thousands of families"

* * *

Baltimore present day

They sat down and looked at the pictures Meredith had taken. Zola had gotten so big. It was hard to remember how small she had been once.  
"Have you ever wondered how you'd feel like if he had moved on and you walked into him here?" Alex wondered. Derek was an attractive men and he knew that he had been on dates.  
"We'll always be connected through Ellis. Besides, I was the one that left. He'd have had every right to move on. I'd understand."  
„I call bullshit." Alex said. Meredith knew that Alex was right, she didn't want him to be right though.  
„He asked me what I've been up to those last two years, if there was anybody." Meredith smiled softly and looked at Alex. He knew every of her stories and sometimes it felt like they were an old married couple. They had all the emotional proximity and no sex. She had always felt safe around him. He had picked her up every single time when things had gotten hard in Baltimore. He was her point guard.  
„And what did you say?" Alex wondered.  
„That it's been the two of us – that I have a sister- another one, that I've been working my ass off on a trial and that I am the best general fellow he could wish for." Meredith said.  
„You said the two of us." Alex looked at her.  
„And I told him that you've been there as a friend ever since I came here. I don't get why he's still jealous. Ellis calls you uncle Alex, not daddy if that's any indication." Meredith said. She knew Derek knew that there would never be more than friendship between Alex and her even though he had become her person.  
"May he's jealous because I get to kiss her goodbye every night" Alex said.  
"So how's that resident you insist you don't have sex with? I saw her sneaking out this morning and I heard her all night."  
"She's fine" Alex smiled.


	15. Chapter 15

_Surprise, the new update is a little early. Hope you enjoy the return of another important character ;)_

 _Massive thanks for all the positive reviews! I'm glad most of you enjoy this story._

* * *

 **Chapter 15**

* * *

Cleveland present day  
It had been a long flight from Baltimore to Cleveland. After a night in the OR they had left for the airport immediately and Meredith had felt like she was in desperate need of a shower throughout the entire flight while Derek looked perfect. Meredith had tried to keep Ellis quiet, but the teething had made the whole situation worse and Ellis had cried for two hours.

When they arrived at the hotel Meredith was almost glad that Derek told her he'd handle the check in while she got a chance to sit down. "Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Grey. We made a reservation." He smiled politely.  
"Here's your key, Dr. Shepherd. The room is on the 12th floor. It's the first elevator. Have a pleasant stay." The woman at the reception told him and handed over the information package for the congress they were invited to.  
"What about my key?" Meredith wondered.  
"Do you need a second key?" the woman wondered.  
"We need a second room." Meredith nodded "hence, two keys"  
"The reservation clearly states that two rooms have been reserved for us." Derek showed her a piece of paper.  
"I'm afraid there has been a mix up. We are booked completely." The woman told them after checking the computer.  
"A mix up?" Meredith swallowed. She was tired enough to cause a scene "I do not intend to sleep in the same room as my boss. "  
"I can sleep on the couch." Derek tried to calm her down.  
"Mam, there's nothing I can do." The woman told her "I'm really sorry"  
"It's fine. Just give me the second key." Meredith sighed before she picked up Ellis.

In the elevator Meredith noticed Derek's smug smile. "I hate that you are smiling about this." She told him  
"It's like the fate is pushing us to be together." He smirked. Fate- or the element of a personal assistant that had followed his instruction to a t.  
"Fate or the incompetent staff at registration." Meredith rolled her eyes "At least the girls are going to enjoy their very first sleepover."  
"They will." Derek nodded.  
"You were quiet on the way here." Meredith reminded him. When Ellis had started to whimper he had taken her and walked up and down to calm her down.  
"I don't like flying – and you told me you needed time to figure things out and I want to give you that time." He lied. He knew that if he had tried anything on the flight, the surprise would have blown up in his face.

After five minutes they had finally arrived at the door. He opened the door for them and let his family in "This is huge." Zola smiled.  
"It's a suite." Meredith nodded and looked at Derek "Oh my God, you knew this all along."  
"There are three bed rooms. One for each of us and one for the girls." He told her.  
"I hate you."  
"You love me." Derek smirked.  
"Actually you are sort of right, this place is amazing." Meredith giggled.  
"I wanted to save you the hassle of sneaking across the floor to your room." Derek winked.  
"Back to hating you already."

* * *

San Francisco 6 months ago  
Now or never. One in five failed this final exam. "Oh my God, this is so exciting!" Maggie said when they walked into the hotel. It'd be her first time as examiner.  
"I'm glad one of us is enjoying the trip." Meredith was not able to breathe. She was afraid for more than one reason. She might walk into someone she knew or she might not pass the board exam.  
"You are hot, Mer!" Maggie said and felt her chin.  
"I'm feeling sick." Meredith looked at Maggie . This was not the right time.  
"I'll register for you and you take Ellis straight up to our room." Maggie told her. "You'll be fine"  
"Thanks!" Meredith mumbled and hurried to get upstairs. Her face was burning up.

"This can't happen" she walked up and down the room instead of getting a rest "My examiner is gonna hate me, too, instantly. "  
"Don't psych yourself out."Maggie tried to be a voice of reason.  
"One in five people fail the boards." Meredith reminded her.  
"Fine. Psych yourself out. It's just a test. We've all dealt with worse. No one's bleeding out on your table. We will be fine." Maggie tried to talk her down. "You've survived worse, you are going to keep moving forward"  
"You are fine because you already passed this ordeal and haven't been brought down by your infant daughter" Meredith mumbled and started to throw up.

* * *

Cleveland present day  
Even though she had not slept in 36 hours she wanted to show Derek that she was there for the kids. She wanted to be Zola's mom as much he wanted to be Ellis' dad. They both had missed out on the big moments. "Mommy, story time. Read to daddy and me!" Zola gave Meredith's a copy of Grimm's tales. She just couldn't say no to a smile like that.  
"Sure sweetie!" Meredith sat down on the bed and Derek sat on the other side of Zola. The light was dimmed. "Ellis is asleep! Let's hope it stays that way." Meredith smiled and looked at both of them.  
"Yeah, the teeth make her a little fuzzy, but let's start with you pumkin." Derek told Zola.  
'Once upon a time in a kingdom far far away lived a princess call…' Meredith began.  
'Meredith' Zola smiled.  
"Okay… I'll go with that" Meredith nodded and continued to read 'Meredith was separated from her prince by deep clear water. They loved each other dearly. 'Oh dear heart, can you not swim here, my darling swim over to me, I will light two candles, have no fear, you'll find the way' she told her prince, but an evil fairy heard their plan. She blew out the candles and the prince'"  
'Swam to her and…' Derek interrupted her. In the real story the prince drowned. Meredith and Derek both knew that, princes drowned, love didn't come to fruition.  
"Derek that's not the story" Meredith looked at him.  
"She's too young for the real story" Derek insisted. The real story was messy, the light was blown out by an evil fairy and the prince died and not too long afterwards the princess drowned herself.  
"She isn't." Meredith insisted. "This is the story"  
"Zola needs to learn that there are happy endings" Derek insisted.  
"Okay" Meredith continued to tell Zola a story 'The prince was about to drown, but the princess saw him and as she stood on the shore, she swam to him and she yelled his name. When he reached the shore he was cold and pale. She kissed his lips and told him her heart was hale and the life returned to his lips. Her two arms cradled his body, she stood and couldn't help herself and smile'  
'and they lived happily ever after' Derek smiled and looked at Zola.

"She's out." Meredith smiled.  
"She is." He nodded.  
"I guess we should leave. Get some sleep." Meredith looked into Derek's eyes.  
"Yeah, we better get to bed. Our cosy warm comfortable beds." He nodded and put a stress on the plural..  
"They look adorable." Meredith smiled. When she tried to cover Zola with a blanket the girl smiled, but mumbled "Stay, please."  
"Okay,Zo!" Meredith got back to the bed and both Derek and she cuddled her.

He woke to a noise he hadn't woken up to in forever. Meredith's snore had always fascinated him and he was surprised that she still looked the same. Her arms were wrapped around Zola and her hand held his. He tried to withdraw his hand from her grasp because he needed to get up. He smiled.  
When Meredith woke up Derek's blue eyes were looking at her. He smiled and put his index finger to his mouth "There are two babies in our beds." He whispered.  
She smiled and repeated it. "There are two babies in our beds. We should get up before they wake up" She didn't want to confuse the kids –and she didn't want to confuse herself. She wanted to pick him for the right reasons.  
"We stayed here all night" Derek whispered "I ordered breakfast to the room. They'll be here in ten minutes"  
"You shouldn't have" Meredith smiled softly. He was being the perfect man again –her McDreamy.  
"I should." He insisted "I wanted to show you how easy everything could be if we were living in the same house."

"So this suite, oh my God, I should have known that you have an agenda." Meredith got up and left the room. She knew she would have raised her voice if the kids weren't around. She felt like he was pressuring her into a decision she wasn't ready to make.  
Derek followed her into the next room "Think about it, Meredith, you, me and the kids. It'd be easier, you'd be there in the mornings when Zola asks for you, we wouldn't have to move the kids every second week." He insisted. 'They could be a family' he thought, but didn't they it and chose _"_ What do you think?" instead.  
"They have a room in each our houses. It's not like they pack up their stuff every other week and never come back." Meredith told him. "Derek, when you told me you still loved me I told you I still needed time. I don't think this is right for us right now."

 _"_ _I only have five minutes because we moved a surgery up. But I did want to come here and say that obviously, he doesn't know me at all. I'm not the one who's emotionally involved. He's the one who's emotionally involved"  
_ _"_ _He?"  
"Derek ... told me not to get my hopes up. Anybody who knows me knows I'm not a hopeful person to begin with"  
"Right"  
"I came up with this clinical trial. It's my baby. Does he honestly think that I've just walked into this with no understanding of how hard it will be? Seriously. No wonder we didn't work out."  
"Because he told you not to get your hopes up."  
"Exactly.I gotta go._ "

"You are not ready" he nodded.  
"Yeah, I'm not ready" Meredith nodded "I want to do this for the right reasons Derek"  
"I got my hopes up" he sighed.  
"I have to get ready"

* * *

Los Angeles 6 months ago  
Meredith froze when she entered the exam room: Richard. A ghost from the past.

"Welcome to the American Medical Board of Surgery Certifying Examination. We'll give you four separate scenarios in 3 30-minute sessions, To pass the test, you must pass two of the three sessions." He said and tried to avoid any sort of eye contact. "Now you can fail a session and still pass. But examiners are not permitted to indicate whether you passed or failed each session. You'll be rated on your ability to diagnose, manage treatment, handle the unexpected -basically, the strength of your constitution in crisis. And when we move on to the next scenario, there's no doubling back, meaning, once a question is asked you can't go back".  
"Understood, sir" Meredith nodded. She knew that she was getting sick again. It wasn't the anxiety like one would think  
"Are you in a hurry, Dr Grey?" Dr. Webber wondered.  
"No, sir. Just ready when you are." Meredith put on a fake smile like the fake smile she had put on when Derek's mother had arrived in Seattle.

Richard smiled. "So then, a 65-year-old woman is being seen by her primary care physician for a workup of osteoporosis when she is found to have elevated calcium. Her P.T.H. level was well above normal. Her doctor sends her to you. Elevated calcium and P.T.H. would indicate primary hyperparathyroidism."  
"I would offer the patient a para thyroidectomy. And first I would explore the right side. If that gland is large I would biopsy it. Um, after doing the biopsy, I would Hang-hang on. What-what did the pathologist report say?" she looked at Richard.  
"Path comes back with parathyroid hyperplasia." Another examiner told her.  
"Uh Um, and how large was the gland?" she asked and listened to the answer "Next, I would resect it and explore the other glands."  
"Aggressive choice." Richard wrote down something and nodded.  
"Well, I suppose I could wait for the I.P.M. before taking further actions." Meredith sighed and threw up.  
"Mm-hmm. Are you sure you're okay with that?" the woman next to Richard wondered.  
"Yes, I'm okay with that. Mm-hmm." Meredith vomited again.  
"If the I.P.M showed P.T.H. levels in the normal range Dr. Grey?" the woman wondered.  
"I would feel comfortable concluding the procedure." Meredith smiled. Session one wasn't so bad after all.

Cleveland present day  
The day had been busy, discussion after discussion and Meredith was glad to be back to working with Dr. Springer. They were a great team and it had been nice to catch up with him.

Before they got ready for dinner, Derek had a chance to look at Meredith's outfit. "The dress you brought for the gala is stunning. Reminds me of prom." Derek complimented her. She grabbed her purse and handed something to him "What's this?" he wondered when she put a pen into his hands.  
"A marker." She told him.  
"Oh, I guess this time the line won't be imaginary." He smirked.  
"You are an idiot." She said and looked at Zola who was watching Sesame Street "Zola, your daddy is an idiot"  
"Idiot!" the girl repeated.  
"Don't teach her those words!" Derek looked at Meredith.  
"She'll learn them anyway." Meredith rolled her eyes.

Twenty minutes after the beginning of the gala, Derek walked up to her and handed her a glass of orange juice "So, Dr. Springer is allowed to compliment you and the father of your daughter isn't." he whispered into her ears.  
"Dr. Springer was being kind, you want to get into my pants or flirt or whatever." She bit back when another familiar face approached them.  
"Dr. Stadler, it's a pleasure to meet you." A familiar face appeared in front of them and introduced himself to Derek before turning to Meredith. "Wow, Dr. Grey you look stunning. Must have lost all the baby weight within a week."  
"Dr. Stadler, it's so good to see you." Meredith nodded.  
"You two know each other?" Derek looked at them in surprise.  
"Yeah, we met in Boston. It's so good to see you again. How's the wife and the child?" she wondered. His wife had been pregnant when they had met for the first time.  
His mood turned from relaxed to tense "They left actually.  
Uncomfortable silence filled the room. "I'm really sorry to hear that. How's the development of your minimally invasive spleen removal technique going?" Meredith tried to ship safer territory.  
"I slipped a bit after she left. Lukas is keeping me on my feet. He misses his mother." The surgeon replied.

"Let's go to the bar." Meredith suggested and walked away with him leaving Derek on his own in the middle of the room. .  
"Is he the baby daddy?" Dr. Stadler wondered.  
"He is and it's complicated." It was insanely complicated.  
"You are both the key note speakers of a big medical conference. You work together" he nodded. "Beyond complicated".  
"What happened to Brooke?" Meredith wondered.  
"She vanished. She accepted a internship somewhere else and she left." He said. "Are you two back together? Do you want to be together?" This wasn't everything, but he wouldn't tell her what he had done. You didn't tell strangers that you had beaten up your pregnant wife.  
"No, we are friends who used to be lovers who have two kids and very demanding careers and where one wants the other to go back to their old lives." Meredith sighed "and I don't know what I want"  
"So that's the reason he looks like he wants to punch me in the face?" Staddler smirked.  
"Why did your wife leave you?" Meredith wondered while she sipped on her drink.  
"Is he still in love with you?" Stadler wondered. "If you ask uncomfortable questions, I'll ask them too."  
"That's what he told me." Meredith nodded.  
"And you?"  
"I want us to be okay –and I know that we have a lot of messy history."  
"and you are not able to forgive him –"he nodded "because you lived through it all on your own – the whole pregnancy, the birth, you got your daughter so far – and you did it on your own. You know you can live without him."  
"Yes, and I remember the pain I felt after the divorce."  
"But just because you can live without him, doesn't mean you have to. I wish Brooke knew that. I understand her, I know why she left. It's on me –and there's nothing I can do about the past. I can't chance it as much as I want to – and she can't forgive me for what I did." He stated calmly "It takes a lot of strength to get by on your own, but it takes more strength to forgive the people you love for all the times they screwed up and hurt you. So it's really up to you, even if you can live without him, it doesn't mean you have to."

* * *

San Francisco 6 months ago  
It was the end of exam day 1 and Maggie had hated every minute of it "Rough day, huh?" a old man asked her.  
She looked up from her crossword puzzle. "I hate exams. I don't know anyone. No one knows me. I haven't had one conversation that wasn't related to work or about Sesame Street in days. My sister and my niece are here, but my sister is taking the boards – so I'm babysitting."  
"Well, You know me now." Richard smiled  
"No. God, I sound like a kid crying at camp. No, it's not it's not that. It's something else. I was adopted. Two years ago, I looked up my birth mom. I had to go to the court for the records. She's dead now, um, so I could only get her name. But she was amazing –and I'm a lot closer to where she lived here… and I keep thinking I should fly to the city she lived in to see…" Maggie stopped. She didn't know why she told a complete stranger all of this.  
"What's your name again?" the old man wondered.  
"Dr. Pierce." She mumbled.  
"Dr. Webber, it's a pleasure to meet you." He smiled.  
Maggie froze. This was him. Before she knew what she was doing, she had left the bar. Now he was more than a name, he was a man with a face. He was a man with a face who had all the answers to questions she was afraid to ask.

* * *

Cleveland present day  
Meredith walked back up to Derek "Why do you keep looking at me?"  
"Because I don't want to miss my chance." He insisted "You say you need time, but you are talking to other men"  
"and you are afraid that I'm going to move on without you. You were the one who was kissing scrub nurses the last time I needed time" Meredith reminded him.  
"I am, because this morning – when we woke up and I looked at you, and Ellis and Zola and I thought it couldn't get any better and now you are having dinner with a guy" he told her.  
"I worked with him for a year and I had dinner with the person who filled my position in Boston" Meredith insisted. "This is not about you, I'm not flirting. You are jealous!"

 _"_ _Just leave me alone."  
_ _"_ _I just want to make sure you're alright."  
"No! I'm not alright? Okay? Are you satisfied? I'm not alright. Because you have a wife, and you call me a whore, and our dog died, and now you're looking at me again. Stop looking at me."  
"I am not looking at you. I am *not* looking at you."  
"You are looking at me. And you watch me. And Finn has plans. And I like Finn. He's perfect for me, and I'm really trying here to be happy, and I feel like I can't breathe. I can't breathe with you looking at me like that so just stop!"  
"You think I want to look at you? That I wouldn't rather be looking at my wife? I'm married. I have responsibilities. She, she doesn't drive me crazy. She doesn't make it impossible for me to feel normal. She doesn't make me sick to my stomach thinking about my veterinarian touching her with his hands. Man, I would give anything to not be looking at you."_

"Don't act like a jealous husband, Derek!" Meredith yelled.  
Everyone turned around "I'm not!" he said quietly.  
"That's right! You are not my husband! You don't get to act like one" Meredith whispered.  
"What are you doing?" Derek wondered and followed Meredith to the hall.  
She ran to the elevator "I'm taking the kids to see Cristina."  
He followed her "So you run again!"  
"I need air! I can't breathe! You are suffocating me with all those expectations! I need to go!" she pressed all the buttons on the elevator and decided to take the stairs.

* * *

Los Angeles 6 months ago  
Meredith and Ellis were waiting for a cab. "Congratulations!" said a voice from behind.  
She turned around and saw Richard "Thanks! Honestly, I'm glad it's over."  
"You look happy." He noted "I guess things worked out"  
"Happy enough! She's great. I called her Ellis." Meredith smiled.  
"I'm glad you have found a friend." Richard noted.  
"Yeah, Maggie is great." Meredith nodded. She didn't know what to say, so she chose not to say anything.  
"Did I get the easy questions? I knew this stuff when I was eleven."  
"Ellis talked about nothing else."  
"No, she didn't"

* * *

Cleveland present day  
"Meredith? Zola? Have you kidnapped her again?  
"No… yes… sort of… Derek and I had a fight.  
"Why does this feel like a really bad throwback to two years ago and where's your 'sorry for not calling' apology which I totally deserve?  
"I missed you.  
"I missed you. How did you know where to find me?" Cristina wondered.  
"I read your last publication –and Alex mentioned it." Meredith sat down.  
"You are talking to Karev?" Cristina wondered in disbelief. He had been a persona non grata ever since Mer had been fired.  
"I'm living with him." Meredith giggled.  
"And you are fighting with Derek. So this is definitely a really bad throwback to two years ago." Cristina laughed in the typical way only Cristina Yang could laugh in "Is that your child?"

"Yeah, that's Ellis." Meredith smiled "I named her after my mom. Long story"  
"Hey little girl, you'll be a kickass surgeon." Cristina waved at her.  
"I would settle for potty trained by now." Meredith giggled, but she knew it'd be a long way.  
"How long are you in town?" Cristina wondered.  
"Tomorrow." Meredith sighed. She hadn't brought up the courage to call her ahead of time.  
"It's good to see you Meredith" Cristina said  
"It's been a while. Too long. I always meant to call you, but… calling – facing my old life was just so painful." Meredith sighed  
"And sleeping with McDreamy again helps?" Cristina smirked. Meredith was surprised how well Cristina knew her – after all this time.  
"I'm not … I did once but it was an accident" she defended herself.  
"Did he fall into your vagina?" Cristina wondered "I'm off in 20 minutes. I'll drive you home. You can stay for the night or whatever"

Meredith couldn't sleep. She was lying on a lilo while the kids slept in the travel bed that had still been in their rental car. Cristina and her talked for hours, by 2.30 am Cristina knew more details about the past two years than Maggie or Derek had ever heard. "What happened to you and Owen?" Meredith wondered.  
"He wanted a child and I didn't. So we got divorced. It was straightforward. One had to cave and so nobody got what they wanted" Cristina looked at her "You are a gifted surgeon with an extraordinary mind. Don't let what he wants eclipse what you need. He's very dreamy, but he's not the sun. You are."


	16. Chapter 16

_One step forward, two steps back ..._

* * *

 **Chapter 16**

Baltimore present day

Seven days since she had met Cristina – and the words still circled in her head. What was it she needed? What was it she wanted? A resident had paged them and had identified a lot of free fluid in the abdominal cavity of a post op patient. When she looked at the chart she knew what had happened. "Page neuro, I need them on standby" she sighed. There was a good chance a week of avoiding Derek would be over. He was on call. They had not talked since they had returned from the congress. "and I need another general surgeon and call UNOS! He might need a transplant"

"That's the thing. Mistakes come back and haunt you." He looked at the mess the senior physician had made.  
"Sometimes they even appear in their physical form" Meredith looked up from the patient and made eye contact with Derek. She wanted to be able to talk about what Cristina had said or about what he had told her, but she still didn't know why she couldn't. "Let's just be glad it wasn't too late to fix them"  
"I don't know how I could have missed this" the surgeon who had performed the first surgery whispered.  
"It derives from a minor bleed. It was very small at first – too small to pop up in the CT and over time nobody saw it, nobody knew anything was wrong and it grew until the pressure started to build up – and you just got divorced" Meredith tried to reason "It's bad luck, a normal complication"

"I was a wreck for weeks after my last divorce" Derek told him "I wouldn't even have been able to be in an OR. It's been two weeks, hasn't it?" Meredith decided to focus on the patient. In her mind he had been fine after their divorce.  
"She didn't sleep with her tennis coach, did she?" Dr. Emerald laughed sarcastically.  
"No, not this time" Meredith coughed.  
"First divorce -I walked in on my wife and my best friend. In the throws" Derek sighed. Addison and Mark – it seemed like a other life.  
"What about wife #2?" Dr. Emerald wondered. Meredith held her breath. Apparently Dr. Emerald didn't know they had been married. "Bad timing, I need a second hand in here" Meredith alerted Dr. Emerald. "I can't see what's wrong!"  
"We never had good timing, Dr. Grey, did we?" Derek said. The ICP was cause for concern. He didn't get the chance to answer the question about wife number two. It was bad timing indeed.  
Dr Emerald looked at all the blood in the abdomen "It's a long night, I'm sorry. I know you two have small kids..."  
"It's fine... just hold that clamp and suction" Meredith gave clear instructions to her superior.

"Dr. Shepherd, how did you meet your second wife?" Dr. Emerald wondered.  
'this is just perfect' Meredith thought to herself while trying to find the tear –the little leak that had lead to this, the one perforation that had caused this.  
"In a bar. First night in town, I had never been there before. One might actually say we hit it off immediately. It would have been the perfect start to a new life in a new town if I had told her I was still married." Derek looked at Meredith. In retrospect it was easy to answer the question, to admit to his mistake "But I've kissed a lot of women. The first time I kissed my ex wife, well I mean, she wasn't my ex wife then. She was just this girl in a bar. And when we kissed, it was like I got to tell you, it was like I never kissed any other woman before. It was like the first kiss. The right kiss."  
"What about you, Dr. Grey? Dr. Karev mentioned you're divorced. How did you meet?" Dr. Emerald asked. Meredith was taken by surprise and looked at Derek for help.  
"Do we really have to talk about this? Our patient doesn't look too good. Do we really want to talk about doomed relationships?" she tried to evade.

 _How did this happen? What was the mechanism of injury? How do we see past the mess and confusion of the trauma to figure out what the damage actually is? ... Every part of a trauma tells a different piece of a story. And until you look at each and every injury, you can't see what went wrong._

"He doesn't know and as far as I'm concerned the beginning is the good part. I met Cameron in the OR she was a scrub nurse. So, shoot Dr. Grey" he insisted. "Tell me the happy part of your story"  
"Bar. One night stand. Turned out to be my boss's boss the next day. -plus he was still married." Meredith stated. It was true. She begged that he wouldn't connect the dots.  
"Ouch" Dr. Emerald said. "Would it have been different if he had told you he was married?"  
"Absolutely" Meredith looked at him "He made me a dirty mistress. I had no intention of ever being that – and he chased after me even though he knew he was still married"

"Is he ever going to stop?" Meredith looked at Derek while Dr. Emerald took a bath room break.  
"We could tell him -I guess he'd stop. Plus people already know that I knocked you up" Derek laughed. They did – at least a few of them. Obviously Dr. Emerald had been too busy being miserable because of his divorce, but the scrub nurse looked like she was well aware of the situation.  
"They think I'm the dirty mistress" Meredith nodded "or an adulterous whore"  
The nurse looked down. "Which you haven't been in a long time. What is he doing?" Derek wondered. Dr. Emerald had disappeared twenty minutes ago.  
This wasn't new to Meredith. It had happened during previous surgeries –procedures she had been happy to complete "Crying -in the bath room. I did that , but I guess pregnancy hormones were a perfect excuse for that."  
"I would have loved to see pregnant you" Derek told her.  
"Oh, I was no fun" she laughed "I used to cry when I was sad and I cried, when I was mad and when I was happy."  
"I slept in the trailer for three weeks after you left" Derek told Meredith.  
"Pregnant lady incident 2.0. I'm sort of glad you only divorced me and didn't dissect my brain on your OR table."  
"You realize I'm your boss?" Derek laughed.  
"There are a few things that never change. I wonder what kind of story he wants to hear when he comes back" Meredith giggled. "Tell me about the day you got married, tell me about the first time you felt good after the divorce"  
"When I bumped into you" Derek smiled.  
Meredith blushed. "Oh, or... I don't know. What else could he ask"  
"Your last five sexual partners" the nurse coughed.  
"Are you serious?" Meredith looked at him. "I can tell you"  
"It's going to be a long night" Derek sighed –and this was something he had been interested ever since he had admitted to himself that he was still in love with her.  
"Full disclosure. That'd be you, George, broken penis guy and... this is actually pretty hard" Meredith admitted.  
"You haven't slept with anyone since you left?" Derek couldn't hide the note of surprise in his voice.  
"I had a baby. So what about you?"  
"You, Addison, girl in college" Derek told her.  
"I never realized.. how busy you were with your research" Meredith looked at him.  
"I was very busy with my research" he nodded.  
"I should check on Dr. Emerald" Meredith sighed.  
"I got this" Derek nodded.

"I'm very sorry." The other general surgeon apologized after Meredith had dragged him out of the men's room.  
"It's okay. We got this. He's stable" Derek reassured him. `"Dr. Grey has been doing an excellent job"  
"Alright. So, let's continue. What did you do to feel better?" Dr. Emerald continued the interrogation.  
"After the divorce?" Meredith wondered.  
"Yeah, I need something to look forward to" he nodded.  
"Well, I got really really fat and had a baby eight months later... doesn't work out for you, ugh?" Meredith giggled –and when she had been back to her old figure, she had seen him again –in L.A., in Boston, in Baltimore. She had seen him –and she had tried to run and hide.  
"No, not... no. Are you still thinking about him?" he wondered.  
"Given that..." Meredith tried to think of a way to answer this question. She couldn't say that he's standing right next to her "I have his baby, yeah, I am. I think about him. What about you Dr. Shepherd? Does the thought of not being with your ex wife keep you awake at night?"  
"My daughter takes over that job" Derek smirked. "I asked her a question and she wouldn't answer it. That's on my mind"  
"See, getting divorced isn't the worst thing in the world. I had a lot of spare time to focus on research – and Dr. Shepherd even won a Harper Avery Award for this" Meredith tried to cheer him up.  
"Are you saying I could win a Harper Avery?" he asked.  
"No" Meredith answer truthfully.  
"But who is Dr. Grey to be the judge of that? Would you excuse us for a second?" he said and dragged him to the side.  
"What are you doing?" Meredith wondered and looked at the two men.  
"Can you leave the room for a minute Dr. Grey?" Derek wondered.  
"Why?" Meredith questioned his request. She was in the middle of fixing some minor bleeds.  
"Because I'm the Chief of surgery" Derek yelled.  
"and a neuro surgeon. You are on standby in case something comes up – so if you want to talk to Dr. Emerald in private, do it in the scrub room" Meredith told him and continued to operate.

Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Emerald left the room. They stood at the sink and looked at Meredith "Why did you ask Dr. Grey to leave the room?" Dr. Emerald wondered.  
"She doesn't need to hear this! I've been thinking about my ex-wife every day! I saw her in the hospital -even when she wasn't there. She never really left" Derek told him "I won't ever find someone like her again"  
"Why did you divorce her?" Dr. Emerald wondered.  
"I don't know. We said stupid things because she did something wrong, but for the right reason -I felt like she backstabbed me – we fought. I told her to leave -that's what she did. I tried to move on. I wasn't" Derek sighed " -and she doesn't have a clue that I still think about her that way!"  
"Dr. Grey wasn't an affair, was she?" Dr. Emerald wondered. The shoe had dropped "I mean I heard the rumours, but you two were having an affair"  
"We were at first- she didn't know because I never told her I was married. But I got divorced and we got married. She was the real deal. I didn't know she'd be here when I accepted the position. But, she was different, my first divorce was a lot easier. Dr. Grey might disagree, but Addison was different – and we hadn't been happy in a long time." Derek sighed "but Dr. Grey and I... she's driving me insane. Still is"  
"So, I'll move on?" Dr. Emerald wondered  
"You'll meet a wonderful woman somewhere and it's going to feel like you are coming up for fresh air" Derek nodded.

In the mean time the patient's situation had declined rapidly. "I need you to get back into the OR" Meredith yelled.  
"What happened?" Derek wondered.  
"His ICP is through the roof" Meredith told him "There must have been a clot. I used your method, but the pressure is still going up"

"What have you done?" Derek looked at her in shock. He had only been away for a few minutes ,but most of the machines were beeping.  
"I used your method. I did everything I could have done." Meredith was standing at the man's skull with a scalpel in her hand. Derek was angry.  
"Except you never did it on your own" he yelled. "Do you know what sort of liability you have exposed us to?"  
"I wasn't supposed to, but..." Meredith took a deep breath just the second when all values returned to normal  
"I got this... he's alright... good judgement, Dr. Grey." He sounded relieved " – for a general surgeon." His features softened and he smiled at her. She had done this.  
"You taught her?" Dr. Emerald wondered.  
"You told him?" Meredith looked at Derek in shock. Despite their continuous fights, nobody except Alex knew they had been married.  
"He guessed." Derek nodded "I did. Until..."  
"I transferred and chose general surgery" Meredith interrupted him.  
"This is uncomfortable" Dr. Emerald stated.  
"Seriously? You haven't been married to the guy. Imagine your wife was on the other side of the table. That'd be uncomfortable, but she isn't. So let's just focus on this patient" Meredith laughed.  
"So why did you choose general?" Derek wondered.  
"I trust myself in the OR. When I look at a bowel, I know exactly what to do. I see a tumour wrapped around the hepathic artery and I know what to do. I... I know what I am supposed to do, when I'm supposed to do it. It felt safe -and I needed safety." Meredith looked at Derek "I needed to know that I would be okay"  
"and you are one of the best I ever seen" Dr. Emerald smiled.  
"Why walk away from neuro?" Derek wondered "Why walk away from something that has been so good?"  
"I had to change, I needed change, so I changed a few things." Meredith looked at Derek.  
"Like state of residency, employer, residency, specialty, marital status..." he mumbled.  
"Okay, a lot of things. You adopted a baby" Meredith reminded him  
"which I was in the process of adopting before you left" Derek nodded "I needed to hold on to that life and looking at what you just did, Dr. Grey, you'd be an excellent neuro fellow."

"You are free to proceed" Derek looked up from the scans.  
"Thanks, Dr. Grey. Any word from UNOS?" Dr. Emerald wondered.  
"No, they haven't called" Meredith sighed  
"What are we going to do? We have his liver in a bowl -and there's not a chance..." Dr. Emerald stopped.  
"We do. What about an auto transplant?" Meredith suggested.  
"You want to put his liver back in?" Derek looked at her in surprise.  
"We had to take it out because it was completely destroyed" Dr. Emerald reminded her.  
"We took it out because we had no visualisation or room... we don't have any problem with accessibility now or visibility because it's right here in front of us. It's right here and all we have to do is fix it. There's no issue with rejection because it's his"  
"Has this been done before?" Derek wondered  
"No" Dr Emerald said  
"Not in the USA" Meredith said "It's our only shot. Either we go back in now and fix him or..."  
"he's going to die." Derek nodded. "Are you sure you can do it?"  
"Don't look at me like this. You are looking at me like I need saving. I've done liver transplants, I've fixed liver tears when the organ was inside the body. I don't need saving. You are not my knight in shining whatever." Meredith told him.  
"Armour. I'll tell Ellis her mother would love to be with her, but is busy making history in the OR. And if you have a problem -a medical one – you can always page me. I trust you in that OR" Derek nodded.  
"Thanks. I'll let you know when he's out of the OR. Unless I fall asleep. God, we've been in here all night. How do you do it?" Meredith wondered "I have a back ache and... "  
"I just make things up in my mind. I image that you watch me in the gallery and once I'm finished you run into the scrub room and tell me you're sorry, but you thought about everything and you shouldn't have signed the divorce papers and you are here to go back to where we were." He smiled "But I knew that you haven't been in the gallery, so I..."  
"kept going because you knew. I wouldn't be there. I'm sorry though. For real, tell Zola I said hello" Meredith smiled "  
"You forgot to say the last bit" Derek teased her  
"It's been a long night Derek and I still have to finish this surgery" Meredith told him "Thank you for letting me do this"  
"Dr. Grey, I know your instincts are impeccable and your patient doesn't have too many options. I would have done this for anyone because it is the right call. I trust your judgement and I know you'll give me the right answer when you are ready."

"Derek and I were stuck in the same OR all night" Meredith sighed. She had gotten back from the hospital at breakfast time.  
"No casualties?" He raised an eye brow and looked at her.  
"No, we talked, well sort of... " she sighed. "I... I... I need him not to love me until I decide whether I'm ready to do this again"  
"That's confusing"  
"Yeah" Meredith nodded "He needs to stop being so Dereky"  
"So you're okay?" Alex wondered.  
"I transplanted a liver without a donor liver. I'm doing okay." Meredith smiled. It had been a rush. She had felt like she could resurrect the dead. Alex didn't react. They both knew that this hadn't been what he had been concerned about.  
"Are you not going to tell me what happened with him?" Alex wondered.  
Meredith rolled her eyes "Fine, He told me he thinks the divorce was a mistake- and he wants an answer. Still wants an answer. Answers that I can't give him because I don't have them."  
"and you were writing post it notes in your mind" Alex smiled "but you don't want him to know"  
"He's really dreamy -and I want to punch his face" Meredith sighed "Cristina said something when I saw her in Cleveland. I can't stop thinking about it"  
"About Derek?" Alex wondered  
"No about me" Meredith sat down with a cup of tea "She told me that I was the sun and that I shouldn't let what he wants eclipse what I need –and Dr. Stadler, he told me that it's not about what I think I need, but about what I want. I'm so confused now"

 _"_ _It means you have a choice. You have a choice to make. And I don't want to rush you into making the decision before you're ready. This morning I was going to come over... I was going to say... What I wanted to say was... But now all I can say is that... I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you for, ever. I'm a little late, I know I'm a little late in telling you that. I, I just, I just want you to take your time, you know. Take all the time you need, because you have a choice to make. And when I had a choice to make, I chose wrong. Goodnight"_

"Yang has always been a nut job" Alex laughed.  
"No, she's right." Meredith smiled. "I need to know that he'll... Christ, I'm back to begging." She meant to say 'pick me', but she had realized how stupid that sounded. She needed the guarantee for a happily ever after, but she knew that nobody was able to promise her something like that. Life had a way of getting in the way.  
"You are running out of coast sides to run to." Alex teased her. "Both are"  
"I really hate you sometimes" Meredith giggled.  
"You love me. Me and my pancakes" Alex smiled and put a few on her plate.  
"Your pancakes are alright" Meredith stated, but Alex played offended until she added "Fine, they are the reason I stay here"  
"I'd like to point out that your daughter loves me." Alex added.  
"She's a baby, she poops her pants" Meredith teased him.  
"and she loves her uncle Alex who picked her up from daycare this morning" Alex smiled.


	17. Chapter 17

_The carousel never stops turning... thanks for all the reviews! I love that most of you enjoyed the OR chapter so much... I felt it was a rather natural way to give them an opportunity to talk about their feelings..._

 _Hope you enjoy Meredith's trip to L.A. after her boards and Derek's thrill of the chase ;)_

* * *

 **Chapter 17**

Boston 7 months ago

"I checked the samples, they look fine." Meredith walked into the OR.  
"Thank you, Dr. Grey. I'm glad you are assisting" Dr. Springer told her.  
"It's a pleasure. I filed the results and emailed copies to the doctors who do the follow ups" she smiled.  
"Have you decided which doctors you want to meet? Dr. Bailey in Seattle joined the study. I've five patients up there, in case you want to go." He suggested.  
"I'll just go to New York. Ellis is not ready to fly so far every other week yet." Meredith declined the offer.  
"Or you could take the week off and enjoy the 4th July in California -check on a few patients there. I submitted an article about the study to the 'Journal of Surgery'. It'll be published the week after independence day." He smiled.  
"Thanks for the heads up" Meredith nodded.  
"You know people say that this is Harper Avery material" he smiled "and your name is on it too"  
"My mom won that prize. I don't really care about it. It doesn't change a thing. I'd prefer if people think that our work might actually help to cure diabetes." Meredith told him "I'm not someone that needs a price for validation"  
"Thank you for your work Dr. Grey" Dr. Springer nodded.  
"Do you really think flying to LA is a good idea?" Meredith wondered.  
"I think you deserve some time away from whatever keeps you in the lab all night" he sighed "You are still young –and you should watch your daughter grow up. They grow up so fast. One minute they are up walking, and the next they graduate from college"

* * *

Baltimore present day

"Dr. Grey, I didn't expect to see you" Derek told her when she walked into his office.  
"I was looking for you. I need a consult. Dr. Reynold's dumped this patient on me and I don't have a clue what's going on. I've done every test in the book. They all came back clean. No drugs, no tumour indication, no anorexia, she's a healthy girl. At least she should be" she said and handed over the chart to him.  
"Are you thinking about what I'm thinking?" Derek looked at her.  
"Kathie Bryce?" she closed her eyes and tried to get rid of the memories in her head. "I checked for aneurysms. She's not one in a million"  
He looked at the figures and the scans thoroughly. "What am I supposed to do?" she wondered.  
"Don't ask me! Figure something out. I'm not your knight in shining armour. You made it clear that you don't want me to be your knight." Derek handed the chart back to her.  
"It's complicated. We both know that" Meredith sighed. "Us and this patient's history"  
"Gather the interns, pick their brains, promise them a surgery." Derek suggested.  
"Sleep with the one who ...?" Meredith teased him, but he interrupted her.  
"Trying to be funny here?" he laughed and walked up to her.  
"No, I'm just making sure I do what I'm supposed to do" she told him "Chief Shepherd"  
He buttoned up her lab coat. "It's against hospital policy. Sleeping with interns is not cool – your husband might show up" he told her "and he might discover that you are taking out the guy who has been screwing his wife out to dinner"  
"Oh, my ex husband already signed the divorce papers. My intern and I do not have to overcome this obstacle" Meredith giggled.  
"Good" he smiled. "Zola asked for you this morning. She likes you – and her sister. She can mumble 'Eli' now."  
"It's good she likes her sister" Meredith nodded and got back up from his desk "I'll pick them up tonight and I'll page all the interns now"

* * *

Los Angeles 6 months ago

Meredith and Maggie had found a place by the pool. They had chosen a nice hotel by the beach. Ellis was in the hotel room for her nap while Meredith and Maggie decided to take advantage of what the hotel had to offer. "You don't need so much sunscreen" Maggie told Meredith. She had bought a bottle in the pharmacy and tried to apply it to her skin as thoroughly as possible. Meredith continued to cover every inch of her body with the white liquid while checking the baby monitor religiously "I'm just trying to make sure that.."  
"Not a beam of sunlight is reaching your skin?" Maggie laughed "We are only here for the weekend" Other people walked past them and eyed the pair. Most people in the hotel were happy to get away from their lives for a weekend.  
"I don't want to look like a cooked lobster on the photos" Meredith defended her actions. She was underneath an umbrella.  
"You are concerned that Ellis is going to wonder why her mother was sunburned on her first 4th July? If she'll ask anything it's 'Where's my daddy?'" Maggie sighed. Just as Meredith listened to her sister's rant she saw a man at the pool bar –and his sister. She froze and covered her face with a magazine.  
"In L.A. – apparently" Meredith contemplated whether this was a mirage. "That's him -right there...him and his awful sister who hates me."  
"You must hate your life" Maggie looked at her sister. She couldn't help herself but laugh at the odds.  
"You have no idea. I'll go and check on Ellis" Meredith covered her face with a magazine and ran to the elevator.

* * *

Baltimore present day

It had been four hours in the library and so far twenty false hypothesis the interns had come up with. "Meredith" Derek whispered when he ran into her.  
"Derek" Meredith was surprised to find Derek near the research lab. "They ran the tests again –and another CT and an MRI. I can't find anything. This is so frustrating. I want to help him, but I can't." She admitted  
"That's what it's like for me. I want to, but I can't." He looked at her.  
"What if he dies before I can?" Meredith was too focused on her charts to even notice that Derek was flirting with her.  
"What if I die before you can?" Derek looked at her.  
"This isn't funny. He might die." Meredith sighed and giggled as she looked up from the chart. "No, stop it! This isn't funy"  
"You'll figure something out" he told her and kissed her and walked away.  
"He kissed me. My boss kissed me- in public." She remained where she was standing. If this had been a day dream it had been a good one. But she knew that it had been real because a couple of nurses kept looking at her.  
"Pituitary gland." One of the interns ran into her.  
"No, blood work states otherwise." She said, but it suddenly hit her. "Book an OR. It's the pancreas."

* * *

Los Angeles 6 months ago

It was late in the afternoon and while Meredith had decided to take Ellis for a walk, Maggie sat at the hotel bar "It's a nice day, isn't it?" an unfamiliar voice told her.  
"Yeah, it's wonderful to be off for a change" Maggie nodded "and it's nice and sunny here. Feels good to escape Boston"  
"Feels good to be outside the OR and to spend time with the family" Derek nodded  
"Oh, you have a family. That's nice!" Maggie sipped at her drink and tried to sound as uninterested and impolite as possible. It was not a good idea to get to familiar with Meredith's baby daddy.  
"My sister felt bad for me... I got divorced and now my family tries to persuade me to move back to New England. I'm working in Seattle. You don't really want to talk to me, do you?" he wondered.  
"No" Maggie said.  
"That's a pity. I would have loved to get away from my family for a while" Derek told her and got up "They are great, but I have four sisters – and they are a lot"

* * *

Baltimore present day

"How is Dr. Shepherd?" the intern wondered.  
"I guess, you'd have to ask him" Meredith rolled her eyes. Apparently the few nurses that had seen Derek's kiss had spread the word.  
"Why don't you?" The intern wondered "You enjoy Dr. Shepherd's company"  
"So, that's what this is about." Meredith rolled her eyes.  
"He kissed you"  
"We didn't do anything that would be worth mentioning to HR." Meredith insisted "I don't receive preferred treatment – and I don't ask for it"  
"I wasn't implying" the intern mumbled.  
"You were- now go to Dr. Shepherd and ask him for a new assignment and Wilson, I know you're up in that gallery, come down here" Meredith dismissed him.  
"What am I supposed to tell him?" the intern wondered.  
"That Dr. Grey doesn't want to answer any questions about him and that he might want to look for a different assignment for you. You are off my service" Meredith told him.

* * *

Los Angeles 6 months ago

When Maggie returned to their room, she found Meredith at Ellis side "She's sick. She has a fever"  
"She's fine. Why don't you admit that you are afraid of bumping into Derek?" Maggie wondered.  
"Or Nancy -and what happens when Ellis is with us? What am I supposed to tell him?" Meredith freaked out "I have a sick baby and the baby daddy is really close by"  
"That you were pregnant and had his baby. He seemed nice though" Maggie told her.  
"What do you mean?" Meredith looked at her "What did you do?"  
"He talked to me." Maggie admitted "Tried to talk to me I didn't say a lot because I know that I'm a terrible liar. He's not dating anyone – in case you want to know"  
"I don't. So what are we going to do with her?" Meredith wondered.  
"Put her into the stroller and take her around town" Maggie told Meredith.  
"I did that" Meredith sighed "Didn't help"

* * *

Baltimore present day

"Dr. Grey, I talked to the Chief" the intern walked up to her after surgery.  
"That's good. You follow basic instructions" Meredith smiled.  
"I'm sorry" he apologized  
"okay, noted" Meredith walked away and found Alex at the nurse's station.

"Why are you smiling? That intern looks terrified" Alex smirked.  
"I'm trying to channel my inner Nazi. -and he made a snide remark about me and Derek" Meredith sighed "and everyone is talking about it"  
"You still want to do him, but he did make a move and now you're feeling like shit" Alex knew her too well.  
"I'm not" Meredith told him "and he did"  
"Wilson ditched me for surgery" Alex complained.  
"That might be my fault" Meredith smiled. "She scrubbed in after I kicked out, Mr. Know it all. She looked so sad and lonely in the gallery. Like a little deer. I like her, she doesn't judge."

* * *

Los Angeles 6 months ago

"You again? You must really not like your family" Maggie laughed when Derek sat down next to her again.  
"They can be a lot, but my sister decided to spend some time with her husband and my mother is taking her grandchildren to bed -that leaves me here -at a bar- thinking about the year I've had. It's been rough." He sighed. "and my baby sister is extracting a tumour at the hospital"  
"I get it" Maggie nodded. "I'm a surgeon too"  
"Let me buy you a drink" he offered.  
"Tequila, please" Maggie told the bar tender.  
"My ex wife used to... I should stop talking about.." he stopped and looked at the glass in front of him.  
"her, yeah. You should. Probably. Stop" she stuttered "I broke off my engagement four months ago... I just couldn't..." Maggie told him, but Derek told her his own story at the same time "I met her in a bar. It was the night before her first day as an... I'm doing it again... My best friend told me to stop"  
"But you can't... I get it" Maggie nodded "Me... My sister told me to stop talking about my fiance... ex fiancé –and... it's... I guess he wasn't the one. I was able to breathe when we broke it off. I felt like I was free... and it should feel like your whole world is falling apart, you shouldn't feel freed and wasn't special"  
"She was." Derek said "She was special"  
"What was so special about her?" Maggie wondered.  
"Nothing" Derek said "Nothing except that there isn't anything special without her"  
"Why don't you go back to her?"  
"I'm afraid. Maybe she moved on. Maybe if I find out where she is, I'll find her in the arms of someone else or maybe I'll go back and discover that I can't forgive her for messing with my career" Derek sighed.  
"Or maybe you are a coward" Maggie told him.

* * *

Baltimore present day  
"He didn't die." Meredith sat down next to Derek in the cafeteria. The rumour mill had worked so good, it was impossible to deny anything.  
"No, he isn't. He's fine. You figured it out." Derek took the coffee she had handed to him. "Like I know you would"  
"You kissed me." Meredith told him "in a hall way"  
"I did." He nodded.  
"You can't kiss me in public." Meredith insisted.  
"So I can kiss you in private." He smirked.  
"No, you can't do that either." Meredith added insisted "This is not going to happen again"

 _"I'm not going out with you."  
"Did I ask if you'll go with me? Do you want to go out with me?"  
"I'm not dating you and I'm definitely not sleeping with you again. You're my boss."  
"No, I'm your boss' boss."  
"You're my teacher and my teacher's teacher. And my teacher!"  
"I'm your sister. I'm your daughter."  
"You're sexually harassing me."  
"I'm just riding in an elevator."_

"That's a pity. Your intern said we are a cute couple." Derek grabbed an apple and took a bite and offered another one to her.  
"My intern is an idiot –like all interns." Meredith sighed. The news were all over the hospital and she hated to be in this position again. .  
"You haven't been an idiot." Derek said softly.  
"I was, I fell in love with a married attending." Meredith corrected him.  
"You didn't know he was married" he reminded her.  
"I was an idiot nonetheless" Meredith sighed.  
"Don't say that. I won't let you talk this way about the mother of my children." He hugged her from behind.  
"Don't McDreamy me." She took a few steps away and looked at him.

* * *

Los Angeles 6 months ago

Meredith sat in the ER. A paediatrician had just checked on her and told her to wait. When another doctor returned, she was in shock "Meredith" Amelia starred at the woman in front of her.  
"Amelia" Meredith looked at the doctor in shock.  
"You can't tell your brother you saw us" Meredith told her "and you have to check on her. She is really hot and the fever won't go down"  
"Patient Dr. Confidentiality –yeah." Amelia nodded "The paediatrician paged me. She needs to stay here. I'll get you a room, but I hope that it's nothing. Once she had an IV she should be okay for now."  
Thirty minutes later Meredith and Ellis sat in a hospital room. Amelia had ordered 24h observation "You had a secret child" Amelia told Meredith when she returned to the room.  
"I turned a little dark and twisty after Derek divorced me" Meredith tried to answer "and…"  
"Yeah, he can be an ass sometimes." Amelia nodded. If anyone knew the kind of idiot her brother could be, it was her. "It's hard to tell him you screwed up when he's worshipped by people who seek a higher power. My whole family is trying to talk him into moving back home. Nobody tried to persuade me to go back"  
"I thought this was going to be a holiday and now I spend the whole day hiding." Meredith sighed. "because your family is taking over the pool area."  
"Oh, you should have seen me at dinner. They all talked about how I should settle down and find a husband –and... I mean... my boyfriend was sitting right there... and I... I can't do one thing right in their eyes" Amelia sat down next to Meredith.  
"You are my favourite sister in law" Meredith tried to cheer her up "Ex sister in law"  
"Thank you" Amelia nodded "I'll be back in twenty minutes with a blanket and a pizza and you can tell me something about Ellis."

* * *

Baltimore present day

Meredith showed up at Derek's house to pick up Zola after dinner. He opened the door and she started talking "Hey, I get it. You want us to be something and I'm not moving fast enough for you. You don't want to talk to me, but this isn't about me or you or us. It's Ellis' first birthday on Saturday, I thought..."  
"You don't want me to be there." He concluded. He knew that the rumours in the hospital were getting to her.  
"No, absolutely, I want you to be there." Meredith looked shocked that Derek would think this "Derek, this isn't about me or my feelings. If you want to be a part of her life, I'm not going to stop you. Alex and I were planning to have cupcakes, so it'd be nice if you'd come over. But you don't have to if you don't want to... because... because... you are smiling"  
"You are rambling." Derek smiled "I was planning on visiting mom in New York. Break the news, introduce Zola to her cousins, but I'm sure she'd understand if I cancelled."  
"Or we could celebrate Ellis' birthday in New York" Meredith suggested "take her to Central Park or... I can get a hotel room- and you can introduce her to your family." She had no clue where this spontaneity came from.  
"Or we could celebrate at mom's house and you can stay there" Derek tried to suggest.  
"I'm not doing that. Nancy hated me before the whole divorce thing... I'm sure your other sisters are not too fond of me either- or your mom." Meredith rejected this proposal. Two minutes ago she had not planned to go to New York and now she was supposed to meet his family.  
"Okay, I'll respect that. We'll celebrate her birthday – just you and me and the kids. There's a nice cafe close by. I could get a reservation..." Derek said, but he noticed the look on her face "you look like I'm asking you to walk on needles and pins."  
"No...I suggested it" Meredith nodded "I'm fine. Just promise me that no other Shepherd is going to be there. I'm still getting used to the fact that you are here again"  
"Looking handsome and sexy" Derek smirked "We don't have to do it if you don't want to. I mean I wasn't supposed to find out about her anyway. What's another year?"  
"You were... we'll fly to New York, you can take Ellis and Zola to your mom's place and we're going to have cupcakes on her birthday wherever you like" Meredith smiled "It's the right thing. We need to start doing things the right way"


	18. Chapter 18

Thank you for all your reviews...

* * *

 **Chapter 18**

New York present day

The flight had been long and exhausting and Derek was glad to finally arrive at his mother's house after he had dropped off Meredith at the hotel. He had never mentioned Ellis to her before and she was surprised to see him with two kids. "Mom, I'd like you to meet Ellis" Derek smiled when he walked into her house. He was holding Ellis in his arm while holding Zola's hand and carrying two bags.  
"She looks like you. She's adorable. I can't believe you kept those TWO cuties from their granny for so long. Zola grew so much" Caroline hugged him "Come in kids, your grandma has been waiting for you"  
"You could have come over to Seattle" Derek noted. "You would have had two places to stay. Mark would have been happy to have you too"  
"and you would have been in the lab for most of that time. Let me give you a hug, my boy..." she hugged him after Derek had put down the bags in the hall "You look so much better. What happened?"  
"I feel better" he smiled. It was true. The last time they had seen each other in L.A.  
"Nana" Zola smiled and hugged her grandmother's leg. "Moma is at hotel"  
"Yes, Zola! You've been looking forward to grandma" Derek smiled.  
"It's her, isn't it? The mother" Caroline wondered "You never stopped loving her" They both knew whom she was talking about.  
"Meredith is Ellis'mom" Derek nodded. "She's at the hotel"

When he walked into the living room he saw another familiar face "Amy, what are you doing here?" Derek looked at his sister.  
"I'm, oh my God, Ellis, you are so big now." Amy got up and looked at his youngest daughter. "It's not been long since you were a cute little baby" she ran over to see Ellis "and you should have mentioned you were bringing both of them. I bought a present for you, Zola. I have nothing for Ellis though. Even though... isn't it her birthday soon?"  
Derek was confused –as much as his mother. "You knew about her?" Carolyn looked at Amelia.  
"I was her doctor. In L.A. She had a fever on Independence Day and I was her doctor and I couldn't tell you or Derek because I couldn't risk my licence" Amelia explained "Meredith send me pictures and we spend a night in the hospital together. Ellis had a fever and it spiked at 104°F, we were waiting for labs and I got an excuse why I couldn't make it on time for our 4th July family dinner"  
"You knew" Derek nodded "and you never said a word." She was the second person that had known, but kept it to themselves.  
"I did" Amelia walked up to him. "and I had to. You weren't ready to let go off all the anger. You weren't in the place to be told"  
"You knew and Mark knew – is there anybody that... you are my family." Derek yelled at her.  
"and I was her doctor" Amelia insisted. "Meredith begged me not to tell you"  
"Calm down, Derek Christopher Shepherd" his mother insisted. "Amy, leave the room for a minute. I need to talk to your brother"

"So you and Meredith had a child and are involved in each others' lives again?" Carolyn and Derek sat in the living room. He still had not asked why Amelia was at the house, but explaining how he had found out about Ellis was just as important.  
"How did you know?" Derek wondered. "How did you know it was her?"  
"I have a good pair of eyes, my son. So why have you waited to tell me?" she wondered.  
"She didn't tell me until a few weeks ago. I had no idea." He sighed "She's working at John Hopkins too. I literally ran into her on my first day- and she told me that she didn't want to be late on my first day."  
"How do you feel about that?" his mother wondered. "A new city, the same woman, a whole new life"  
"She's a great fellow. – she might become one of the best surgeons in the country" he paused "and she has no idea just how amazing she is in that OR."  
"I don't care about your professional assessment. You asked her for a divorce, you refused to talk about this divorce for six months. Am I supposed to believe that everything is just fine between you two?" His mother knew how to ask the painful questions.  
"We are trying. Ellis is turning one tomorrow" he smiled. "I can't believe Amy remembered –and Meredith never mentioned that they keep in touch"  
"She gave her to you for her birthday?" Amy came into the room. Apparently she had eavesdropped on the conversation. "She was so afraid to run into you in L.A and she just gave her to you for her birthday"  
"No, she got a hotel room. I'll bring Ellis over in a few hours" Derek smiled "She asked me to make sure that she isn't ambushed by Shepherds"  
"Can't blame her for not wanting to meet Nancy" Amelia laughed.  
"You could have brought her" Carolyn insisted "the mothers of my grandchildren are always welcome in this house"  
"She insisted" Derek clarified.  
"You still love her" his mother looked at him.  
"and she knows. Derek told her –at least if he's still the man my older brother always was" Amy nodded "and she is too stubborn to admit that she loves him, too. It's all people do, they run away from their chance at happiness and don't realize it until it's too late because that's what people like us do."  
"People like you?" Derek laughed.  
"Dark and twisty" Amy smirked.

* * *

Boston 5 months ago

"You are tense" Maggie noted when Meredith walked into the locker room with her.  
"That's what happens when you haven't had sex in a year. I feel like jumping the next guest surgeon that walks through these doors." Meredith sighed. "I mean, I can't have sex with an intern or resident- because that's a bad idea – and I can't go to a bar"  
"Oh, I forgot to mention that someone is coming over for that bone transplant and facial reconstruction" Maggie smirked. "He's supposed really good looking. We actually have to go to the conference room and meet him now"  
"How do you know about this?" Meredith wondered.  
"Dr. Avery mentioned that his grandson is coming over for this" Maggie smiled and opened the room to the conference room.  
"Mark Sloan is doing the surgery?" Meredith stopped and froze. How was she supposed to go in there?  
"Yeah, and your baby daddy is assisting." Maggie teased her. Jackson being the baby daddy was one of the most prominent rumours at Mass Gen. "Don't hit me! Just admit that he's hot"  
"Mark or Jackson?" Meredith laughed and snuck in. The back of the room should be safe.  
"Both of them. They are insanely good looking. And Dr. Sloan's voice is so steamy" Maggie said.  
"You talked to Mark and you never mentioned it?" Meredith looked at her. "We are living together. I washed your underwear. I listened to your Dean stories."  
"Am I supposed to discuss every point of discussion of the bi weekly department head meeting?" Maggie wondered.  
"If it involves Mark Sloan" Meredith insisted.  
"How do you know him anyway?" Maggie wondered.  
"He's Derek's best friend. The Addison Mark" Meredith sighed. "The one my sister dated, but then he had a baby with another woman and later his daughter showed up..."  
"Jumping him would be interesting" Maggie smirked.  
"I hate you" Meredith mumbled and sat down.

* * *

New York present day

Derek and Meredith had taken the kids to Manhattan. A walk through Central Park had always been one of Derek's favourite afternoon activities. He and Addison had walked through that park almost every week. One of their first dates had taken them to the ice skating track – almost six months after they had met, but she had never been as fascinated by the special atmosphere that surrounded this place. Meredith on the other hand embraced the special spirit that this place inhaled. She smiled as she chased the pigeons with Ellis and Zola.

He was a visitor. It was a different city now, but inside their favourite cafe nothing had changed. It had been the cafe where Addison and he had agreed to take their kids to when things got tough –kids they never got around to raise. The milkshakes were legendary and the warm cake with ice cream was Addison's favourite. He knew Meredith preferred cheese cake, so he had order lemon cheese cake for her. He almost felt bad for taking her there. "You are one today, Happy Birthday!" Meredith smiled and looked at Ellis who was looking at her chocolade cupcake. The staff had decorated their table with balloons.  
"Happy birthday" Derek nodded. The candle on the cup cake looked lost and the girl was not ready to blow it yet –so he and Meredith blew it. He made a wish like you were supposed to. They looked like a happy family – with the balloons and the two small kids. He smiled and accidently touched Meredith's hand. She didn't move it and bit her lip instead. Neither one said a word; they were just breathing- unsure of what to say.  
"This feels weird" Meredith whispered and pulled back.  
"It does" he nodded "but they seem to enjoy it. How are we ever going to get the frosting out of their dresses?"  
"I don't know" Meredith saw the mess Ellis had made on her dress "It was a sunny day a year ago. Not really warm, but a nice enough day for Boston weather. A year ago I was in labour, filling out all the forms, I was in labour for sixteen hours and I told Maggie to call you because at some point I wasn't able to push through..."  
"You did anyway and I was in the lab – and I didn't have a clue what was going on. But honestly I don't know if I would have been there, if you had told me. I probably would have because it's my child. I was mad at you -and at myself -and everyone except Zola." He looked at her "I yelled at Mark one day for bringing Sofia to the lab and telling me he was going to propose to Lex. You know they are getting married."  
"He told me he would propose" Meredith nodded "and I told him to take care of her. What changed? Why are you not angry any more"  
"I went to therapy" he sighed "I won a big fancy award and instead of being happy, I was okay because I had nobody to share it with -and I saw you at the ceremony"  
Meredith nodded "I saw you, but I had to go. I couldn't breathe"  
"You wore a black dress-and shoes with black straps. Like the night we first met" he smiled.  
Her heart was melting. "I had to leave, I couldn't stand looking at you. I wanted to..."  
"go back to where we were?" he wondered.  
"No. I wanted to be able to breathe. I saw you and you were looking at me and I know I couldn't have you." She rambled "It's not so easy. Horrible things keep happening to us... and..." She paused. Images were flashing through her mind.

 _"I don't... I just... That day, when you came out of the water ...trying to breathe for you. I love you, and I want you, but I don't know what to... you didn't swim. You didn't swim and you know how to. And I don't know if I can... I don't know if I wanna keep trying to breathe for you."  
"I should go. I'll go."_

"Good things happen to us. It's all about balance." He smiled and images started flashing through his mind. "Look at us. I love you Meredith. I love every bit of you, not just the polished parts, but also the parts you try to hide from everyone. Look at our two beautiful kids. This is a perfect moment, isn't it?" Meredith didn't say a thing and decided to eat her cake instead.

Derek watched her "Mom would have liked to see you" he smiled "and Amelia."  
"I'm sure she would have liked that, but it wasn't the right time. We have to figure out a way to coexist in the hospital peacefully and how to be parents- with very demanding jobs." Meredith stated "and I don't know how I feel about you"  
"You know, you just don't want to admit it" he smirked. "You know I'm right."  
"Whatever" Meredith smiled and took another bite of cheese cake.  
"I fell asleep in the parking lot once" Derek laughed "I went to get milk and left Zola with Callie and Arizona – and I feel asleep. I slept for a solid twenty minutes before Callie called me."  
"You left early after the Harper Avery ceremony" Meredith noted.  
"I drove to visit mom" Derek nodded

"You did" Meredith nodded. She had tried to get a hold of him afterwards, but Mark had been the only one she had found.  
"She told me I looked miserable" Derek laughed. "How do you know?"  
"I came to see you" Meredith admitted "I wanted to tell you about Ellis –and about my trial and about... it was bad timing"  
"We have today, Meredith. If we don't have tomorrow – we always have today. I'm okay with today! Today has been perfect. Just you, me and the kids – that's all I need."

* * *

Boston 5 months ago

Meredith still sat in the back of the conference room when Mark and Jackson walked in. "Avery, get over here, let's show these idiots how to roll it" Mark Sloan walked in like a rockstar.  
"See, I told you he was an idiot" Meredith whispered when they walked into the conference room.  
"I like him, He talked about buying a ring. He wants to pop the question" Maggie hushed her.  
"He's getting engaged to Lexie?" Meredith starred at her.  
"No, he said his name was Alexandra" Maggie whispered, but they had attracted Mark's attention.  
"Will you two stop gossiping?" Mark wondered "Or do you want me to sign an autograph for you?"  
"I'm sorry Dr. Sloan" Maggie apologized.  
"When you used the method the last time the patient presented with a severe case of personality disorder. Are you going to consider counselling sessions earlier in the healing process this time?" Meredith tried to surprise Mark. He had not seen her face yet, but he recognized the voice immediately.  
"Actually, I do, I never thought women were as crazy as they are." Mark looked at her. He had not expected to see this face ever again, but there she was –enlighted by sunlight.  
"You've done this before?" Jackson leaned over to him.  
"It was before the merger. Ferryboat accident" Mark nodded.  
"Don't look at me like that" Meredith told Maggie.  
"Drown yourself incident?" Maggie smirked "I remember that story."  
"Yeah- and if you really want to know, I scrubbed in the last time" Meredith told her.  
"Feel free to participate in a little try-out everyone." Mark smirked. "One of you is going to scrub in with me"  
"Come on, Mer." Maggie encouraged her.  
"This page is heaven sent, Mr. Reynolds gets a new liver today. Bye" Meredith whispered and left the room.

* * *

New York present day

"You are home early"  
"Ellis fell asleep. Meredith wanted to put her down and Zola fell asleep on the way here" Derek nodded.  
"Have a seat with me once you brought her upstairs" she nodded.

"She's sound asleep" Derek sat down on the chair next to his mother. She had prepared tea and biscuits.  
"Here's your ring back, Derek. I don't need it" she told him and handed him a box. He knew the box.  
"I don't need it either" he pushed it away from him, back to her side "How did you get it anyway?"  
"Meredith sent it to me after the divorce" she stated "You need it. Derek, you came home and you were smiling, I've not seen you this happy in forever. You need this ring -for when the time is right."  
"Mom, we've only just met. Last week we were arguing over baby wipes- I only found out about Ellis -and I'm still mad about it. She should have told me." Derek paused and looked at the ring. He had never asked to get this ring back he realized, but she had done the right thing and returned it to the rightful owner.  
"You promised Mark to bring back the right woman for his Christmas party. You went alone. Bring back the right woman for his wedding. You have to forgive her" Carolyn insisted "Maybe she was afraid. Didn't you tell me her father abandoned her when she was five?"  
"My daughter would have grown up without a father and" he put his fist onto the table.  
"You're still not over what happened?" his mother asked.  
"I'm still mad" Derek admitted  
"There's no point to hold on to the past in anger. Let it go!" Carolyn said "I'm still not sleeping on his side of the bed, but I'm okay with it"  
"Yeah, have sex! Make a lot of cute looking nieces and nephews!" his sister interrupted their conversation "Move on, you got through it, it's over! You have to get back –and I know that it takes a lot of strength, but you can do it"  
"When did you turn into the voice of reason?" Derek laughed.  
"She'd surprise you" Carolyn smiled.

* * *

Boston 5 months ago

"Open the door" Mark was at her apartment door.  
"No" Meredith yelled.  
"I'll stay here until you open the door" he insisted.  
"You gonna have to wait for a long time" Meredith said and turned away.

He did not move. He knew he owed it to Derek to intervene in the fiasco that his best friend's life had turned into, but Meredith was just as stubborn as she had been in Seattle. "Wake up" a young woman he had seen before told him.  
He opened his eyes "Who are you?"  
"I meant to ask you, but you are Mark Sloan. Maggie Pierce" the woman said and unlocked the door.  
"Child prodigy, youngest department head at . ever. I'm a fan. I thought Dr. Grey lived here" he told her.  
"She does, she probably used the fire stairs though" Maggie smiled "You can have a cup of coffee if you want to. You look like you need one."

* * *

Baltimore present day

The weekend had gone by too fast. He couldn't believe he was back on the plane to Baltimore. "I love you, Meredith" Derek told her. The kids were asleep and it was the first time they had gotten a chance to talk in private.  
"I...I don't know what to tell you. I mean before I ran into you. I was clear about this. My mind was made up. I knew what was best for me moving forward no matter how hard –and it had gotten easier. I knew there were things that we couldn't repair. I knew what I had to do." She smiled softly.  
"and it is being alone" Derek nodded.  
"No. It's not clear for me anymore. When I look at you and I stop thinking. When I let myself just be with you. All I'm saying is I don't think that I want what I wanted anymore. And what I want ... I want you" she smiled.

 _We talk about the mechanism of injury, about where it all started, but the truth is, it's sort of a myth. We can't boil every injury down to one single blow. What hurts us is cumulative. It happens over time. We absorb blow after blow, shock after shock, painful hit after hit. But even then, even if we know exactly how we got here, it doesn't mean we can fix it. You can't heal every wound, and that's okay. I have to believe it's okay._

"You want me." He smiled and leaned in for a kiss.  
"I want you to be the father of my children and I want to wake up in your arms." She nodded insecurely.  
"A year ago you gave me this amazing gift – I wasn't even aware of –and now you... I wanna kiss you." He whispered.  
"I have to go to the bathroom." She hastily got up. This was too much too fast.

Just after she had entered the cabin, he forced himself in as well "What are you doing here?" she asked.  
"You did that thing with your eyes" he insisted.  
"My eyes?" she eyed him suspiciously.  
"Yeah, where you look at me all you know, then you came in here, so I figured you wanted me to come in here too" Derek smirked.  
"I did nothing with my eyes" she insisted and whispered. "There's no room in here"  
He kissed her and one thing led to another.

* * *

Boston 5 months ago

"Meredith, Dr. Sloan wants to talk to you" Maggie walked into Meredith's bed room.  
"I know, he... didn't leave apparently" Meredith sighed "I don't want to see you"  
"My favourite dirty mistress doesn't want to see me, I'm offended What are you doing here? We were worried." Mark told her while he walked into the room.  
"Derek told me to leave -that's what I did. So, if you excuse me, I have to..." Meredith tried to leave the room, but Mark tried to grab her arm to hold her back.  
"Meredith, you should have fought. I'm almost 100% sure that he still loves you. He says he's seeing you – in L.A., in the OR, at the super market, he keeps seeing you and he still mumbles your name in his sleep -a lot. He slept on my couch for a while -that's how I know."  
"Mark, why do you tell me all of this? I'm trying to move on here and right now you are making this very hard for me" Meredith told him "I look into her eyes every day and do you wanna know the first thing I thought when I saw her? I thought she looks just like him"  
"Can I see my niece?" Mark wondered.  
"Sure" Meredith nodded.

They sat in the nursery for a while. Neither one said a word "I'm going to ask your sister to marry me" Mark broke the silence.  
"Congratulations" Meredith nodded "She's not the one you date when you're just looking for fun. She's not the one you want for just one night."  
"Thank you, Big Grey." Mark nodded "Derek still hasn't dated anybody. I mean he did go on dates and the women. It was him. He's not the one you go to during your relationship "break""  
"He's not the one you want when you just "want to see what happens"" Meredith nodded "Except that's what I did. He's the one you pray and wait for. The one you won't waste the opportunity with once he gives it to you because you know there won't be another him. I wasted mine."  
"She's not the warm up or the prep, she's the one you prepare for." Mark told Meredith "She's that one. You have to come to the wedding, Mer."  
"I can't go. He'll be there!" Meredith sighed "and you can't tell him about Ellis –and you have to promise me to look after Lexie"  
"He'll be my best man" Mark told her. "and you'll be the best maid"  
"Oh, you don't remember Burke's and Cristina's wedding? Do you?" Meredith giggled "You wouldn't want that... she has another sister, the one she grew up with"

* * *

Baltimore present day

"I see, you haven't killed each other" Alex smiled when Meredith came into the house with Ellis.  
"We were civil. It was nice actually" she sighed. "Except the flight back"  
"That's good. I guess. How's my favourite little girl?" he wondered and looked at the sleeping baby.  
"She fell asleep on the way from the airport" Meredith smiled.  
"That's good" he nodded. "I'll take her upstairs."  
"Thank you Alex! I know you talked to him -about Anatomy Jane" Meredith smiled softly.  
"You're welcome" Alex smiled "I'm your knight in shining armour"  
"I know you are" Meredith nodded "He was genuinely nice"  
"I threatened to kick his ass if he dared to be an ass" Alex chuckled "You deserved to have a great weekend"

* * *

Boston 5 months ago

"I miss my life. My parents' divorce... everything feels like a lie. It's like my whole life before that never even existed."  
"How was surgery?" Meredith wondered.  
"Good" Maggie sighed.  
"That's good" Meredith nodded.  
"I just feel like I have an existential crisis" Maggie sat down on the floor next to Meredith.  
"I'm the expert of existential crisis. I had this whole different life, a life I never thought I could have. I had a husband who loved me, we were about to adopt a beautiful little girl, I had friends, I was respected at work -and guess what, none of this did matter when I got fired and ruined my husband's medical career." Meredith sighed "and I never thought I'd see anyone from that life again, but here they are. They keep showing up and I keep wondering whether it's still there, whether it's still there and I just choose to ignore the possibility that it's still there."  
"I would love you to ruin my medical career. He's on the short list for the Harper Avery Award." Maggie laughed. "Just like you are.  
"He is" Meredith nodded.  
"You won't be able to avoid him" Maggie pointed out.  
"You underestimate my power. I worked on a trial that got shortlisted, that doesn't mean I'll be at the ceremony" Meredith tried to play games in her head.

"Do you think the baby is going to hate me?" Meredith sighed. She knew what she was doing, her daughter's father didn't know she even existed.  
"Why would she?" Maggie wondered.  
"My mother was about as nurturing as a steak knife. She wasn't really warm" Meredith smiled "She told my dad to stay away from me –and I didn't tell Derek about her which is even worse"  
"You don't have to be like her" Maggie smiled softly.  
"I am though. She left Seattle after the love of her life had left her, she came to Boston, had a child." Meredith sighed. "and my dad knew about me. He just chose to be with his new family. I'm not even giving Derek that choice."  
"Your mom was nominated for the Harper Avery Award. Sounds pretty familiar. They called you this morning" Maggie hugged her "I'm so proud of you. Don't let your self-doubt take away anything from that accomplishment"  
"They did" Meredith nodded. "I'm a Harper Avery nominee"  
"You can be a great mom. You want to be her mom. You chose to be her mom." Maggie smiled "You know, the minute they placed me in my mother's arms I was her child. It's about how much you choose to love your child."  
"I should be jumping and dancing because of the nomination, but I don't care because she smiled and waved at me today -and she's so cute when she does it." Meredith cried "and she was waving and I had to go to surgery"  
"I'm glad all of this happened. I mean it sucks for you -but I wouldn't have met you if it didn't." Maggie smiled "It was probably all meant to happen the way it did"  
"Oh, we would have met -someday- weren't you the one who told me to believe in destiny?" Meredith giggled.  
"I had a crappy day, let me hold the baby" Maggie mumbled. "You can take a shower. I'll feed her"

* * *

Baltimore present day  
"What's going on?" Alex wondered. "Are you finally going to tell me?"  
"I slept with Derek" Meredith admitted "-on the plane –and we haven't talked since. I mean I've been trying to talk to him all day and he's been avoiding me"  
"You just made me 50 bucks" Alex smirked.  
"You bet on us?" Meredith hit him.  
"Yeah" he nodded "So you and Shepherd?"  
"I... I don't know. Some of my happiest places are in my mind with him. I don't need to see the world, but I can't stop myself from feeling him- and I don't want to... I...I think I'm falling in love with my ex husband" she sighed. "I've been in love with him forever. It never stopped –and he's been chasing me all this time and now he stopped"  
"So tell him!" Alex told her and walked away, but she followed him through the halls of the hospital.  
"It's not going to work out anyway, and we have kids" Meredith told Alex. She hoped that he would try to talk her out of it, to give her a reason to withdraw herself from the situation.  
"Meredith, you two have been through some serious shit –and he still wants to do you. If he still wants to do you, you are solid." Alex told her. "You might get hit by a bus on your way home or brain cancer. There are no guarantees! You just have to grab your chance at happiness and seize the opportunity. Don't throw it away and ruin it! Don't screw yourself out of something good."  
"I don't want to look at him like that, I mean... God, I can't breathe when I look at him, I kicked one of the interns off my service when he said something" Meredith sighed.  
"Dan's a dick" Alex sighed "He's me pre Izzie."  
"You were one of the worst people I ever met in the beginning" Meredith nodded. "and now you are one of the best"  
"So, listen to me!" Alex insisted.  
"What about the kids?" Meredith wondered.  
"Having your two parents back together is the fairytale fantasy" Alex said "and they are too young to remember anyway –it's up to you. You have to give it a thought. Meredith Grey might get a happily ever after after all."

* * *

 _I hope you enjoyed this chapter...I really do because Ellis' birthday party was a bit I really enjoyed writing... three chapters left and I felt like they got a whole lot closer to where I want them to be. How do you feel about this?_


	19. Chapter 19

_It's really really warm here! I stay at work a lot because of the AC, so you are only getting a shorter chapter today... (the next one is a lot longer but I hope you enjoy it anyway)..._

* * *

 **Chapter 19**

Baltimore present day

Alex was happy to get home on Friday night. He was surprised to hear so much noise from the living room when he opened the door, but found Meredith playing with Ellis and Zola "Why is Zola in our living room? It's not your weekend with her"  
"Derek is out of town and his babysitter cancelled. He left her and a diaper bag, told me he owed me." Meredith sighed and put Zola back onto the ground "I don't get him. We have sex on a plane and he doesn't talk to me for a week – and now he drops off his daughter without a heads up"  
"He seems to trust you" Alex concluded "I wouldn't worry. You'll be fine- you are the person he goes to when he needs help"  
"More like a last resort. Besides, I'm always fine. Where have you been?" Meredith wondered "Teaching interns?"  
"Shut up" Alex smiled "Jo and I have been on a date. You know – the kind where there's a steak and bread in a basket"

Alex watched Meredith and the kids from the kitchen for a while before he decided to join them "They look cute together" Alex smiled "I want to have that someday"  
"Can you tell me something about her? How was she? When did he get her back?" Meredith wondered "I mean he told me how he felt, but it's his perspective and I would like to hear it from someone else"  
"She came back to the hospital eight weeks after you left. Her shunt had leaked and she needed a correctional surgery. Derek put up interns to observe her 24/7. He wasn't allowed to see her. The hearing date approached, but the judge ruled in his favor before that, he moved in with Sloan for a few weeks until he had found an apartment near the hospital. He started to work a lot, but he spoiled her. He was a decent dad. She seemed happy enough." Alex told her. "For all I know. Sloan taught him a lot. I lived with them for a while"  
"I bought -no I stole – a diaper bag the minute I felt her kick for the first time. That's the kind of mom I am" Meredith laughed "and now I'm waiting for Derek to talk to me again, but the minute I think he wants to talk, he mistakes me for his babysitter and runs off to Vegas –he's gone and I'm stuck with his kid – our kid. Whatever! He's supposed to be here with us."  
"You are great with her and he knows it..." Alex said "and those photos at her birthday party looked like that past 20 months never happened."  
"They did and we both know they did." Meredith sighed "and now he dumped his child on me to go on a stupid weekend trip to Vegas and probably returns here and shows off his wife."

* * *

Boston 4 months ago

Maggie and Meredith were never quite on the same page when it came to achievement. For a very long time Meredith had been the one who lived an too unsteady life for a day job – one of the people you didn't talk about at family gatherings – while Maggie had always been an overachiever. "You deserve this Meredith, you worked so hard for this!" Maggie smiled and looked at the envelope in front of Meredith that contained an invitation to the Harper Avery Award ceremony.  
"I don't. Do you want to know the reason I was fired from my last job?" Meredith couldn't help herself, but laugh at the irony of it "I mean, you know it, but I tempered with the data of a trial to ensure a person I loved got the drug and not the placebo. It ruined my husband's career and his life. I can't let him put my name on this!"  
"Why not?" Maggie wondered. "You did a lot of work"  
"Because this name would mean nothing without my mother and I don't want Dr. Springer to use my... I don't want it. Attendings don't acknowledge the contributions of a resident unless it's for their own personal advantage." She insisted.  
"How do you know?" Maggie wondered. "You talk like this happened to you before"  
"Because he didn't do it. We worked on the trial together and he mentioned me in a footnote" Meredith sighed "He never saw me"  
"Who? Dr. Springer" Maggie wondered.  
"No, are you stupid? Derek, Derek mentioned me in a footnote and I ruined his life" Meredith mumbled.  
"You don't make sense" Maggie sighed "Talk normal!"  
"I do! I ruined Derek's career -and he probably hates me for it." Meredith sighed "and now he'll be there. We'll be in one room"  
"Who did you change the probes for?" Maggie wondered.  
"Edel Webber – Richard Webber's wife." Meredith smiled softly.  
"I have a genetic disposition to Alzheimer. I've done a test when I was twelve." Maggie sat down next to Meredith "and you don't have to go to this ceremony, but you'd be stupid if you wouldn't."  
"I just didn't want her to end like Ellis... I don't want anyone to go through this." Meredith sighed  
"Dr. Springer is a good guy" Maggie nodded "and there's been a lot of water under the bridge"

* * *

Las Vegas present day

"They boys are back in town" Mark hugged his friend "Looking great, Shep"  
"I'm good" Derek smiled and looked at Mark and a few other surgeons from Seattle and New York who had waited for him in the hotel lobby.  
"Glad you found a sitter for my bachelor weekend" Mark smiled. "I was afraid you would be too busy to make it"  
"I didn't; I left Zola with one of my fellows. Perks of being the Chief" Derek tried to conceal the fact that it was Meredith.  
"Meredith, you can say it, I talked to your mother. Congrats on that other offspring! She's great" Mark smiled "I'm glad she told you"  
"Thanks" Derek nodded. "But we are here because of you. I have big plans"  
"I can recommend a good lawyer- the one we used for Sofia's custody agreement" Mark offered. "Your mother mentioned that things were tough"  
"Our divorce papers suffice. We have shared custody- and we are trying to make it work." Derek sighed. It was working better than he had anticipated. "and... "  
"and it works?" Mark wondered.  
"Why do you sound surprised?" Derek looked at his best friend.  
"You and Meredith are involved – and things have never been normal between both of you" Mark chuckled "I wouldn't be surprised if you make everything more complicated by having sex before figuring out what you want" Mark looked at him and knew he was right. "You did. Great!"  
"That's all I get?" Derek wondered. Mark had been the source of wisdom ever since Meredith had left.  
"Okay, you asked for it: You still love her" Mark nodded "If you love someone, you tell them. Even if you're scared that it's not the right thing. Even if you're scared that it'll cause problems. Even if you're scared that it will burn your life to the ground, you say it, and you say it loud and you go from there"  
"Things change when it's not about you. Ellis is great and Zola enjoys having a sister" Derek paused "and... I enjoy having Meredith around, but..."  
"You love her" Mark insisted "When it comes to love, that's all that matters"  
"and mom gave me this" Derek pulled out his mother's ring "for when the time is right"

* * *

Boston 4 months ago

"Destiny?" Maggie laughed when she talked to a young couple that had come to her for help.  
"You really believe in destiny" Meredith sighed and looked at the chart. There was nothing like destiny for all she was concerned.  
"I do. I had never kissed a boy until I met him" she took his hand "I married my first love. My one love!"  
"She was wearing a red dress. Her auburn hair was moving in the wind. She was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen" he smiled.  
"and then he fell into the pond and my brother had to rescue him because he almost drowned" the girl in the blue dress smiled.  
"I was five years old" the patient smiled and held his wife's hand.  
"That's a long time" Meredith smiled. Seventeen years. It was a lot more than she and Derek had ever gotten.  
"It was love at first sight" the patient's girlfriend smiled.

"Wow, I almost threw up!" Meredith mumbled after they had left the room.  
"How can two people be so in love?" Maggie smiled "This is so cute" Meredith rolled her eyes  
"They seize the day, if she doesn't get a kidney, it'll be over -and he'll be alone. Just like you and me. " Meredith sighed "Life sucks"  
"You are bitter" Maggie sighed. "Is this about him"  
"I'm just realistic. Most people don't get a happily ever after. So why would they be any different?" Meredith mumbled. "This is totally not about me"  
"and some people meet their soul mate and stay with each other until the day they die" Maggie smiled softly "I used to think that my parents were like that. Wish I had a soul mate"  
"I have to go" Meredith looked at her phone. "It's UNOS"  
"Destiny" Maggie smiled.

* * *

Las Vegas present day

Mark and Derek sat in the breakfast room of their hotel. Orange juice and a croissant was all they managed to pour down their throats even though the buffet offered all kind of waffles and pancakes, fresh fruit and all kinds of different spreads. "She's driving me crazy. We have a child and... I keep screwing up. When I look at her and she doesn't notice, she's this put together tough fellow that has everything managed and if she notices me or talks to me, she's this hot mess."  
Mark nodded. "It's natural to want to fix her. As men, that's what we do- we find solutions. We repair things- it's our instinct."  
"I told her I never wanted to see her again and that she was the worst thing that ever happened to me. -and I did it again when I found out about Ellis." Derek sighed "I don't blame her for pulling away and that's why I have to rebuild her trust before I can propose"  
"I get it." Mark nodded. "I'm marrying her sister"  
"She keeps pushing me away now." Derek sighed "After she confessed her love to me on the plane-and I didn't talk to her for a week because I didn't know what to say."  
"You have to let it go. Leave her alone!" Mark insisted "Wait until she comes to you"  
"So I'm supposed to do exactly what she told me to do in the first place?" Derek sighed.  
"You want to fix her and she keeps pushing you away. You can't fix her -and you never will." Mark nodded.  
"So what am I supposed to do?" Derek wondered.

 _"She told you. I've known you my whole life, I grew up with you so I know what you're thinking. That there is a year of your life wasted. Trying to make it work with Addison and you could have been with Meredith. That you could be happy right now. That all of this, everything... that you and Meredith could have had a real chance. Still, I thought you should know the truth. I thought I owed you that, as a friend."  
"You're not my friend."_

"Let her be, give her faith, give her the knowledge that you believe in her to fix herself and stop being an ass. She was trying to figure out how to tell you for a while." Mark encouraged his friend "We talked about it when I met her in Boston"  
"She did?" Derek wondered "and you knew?"  
"She did. She's not the villain here and she's great with her. And even though she's telling herself that she wants to forget you, but she still puts a picture of you at the wall in Ellis' room in Boston." Mark smiled

* * *

Boston 4 months ago

After buying a new set of scrub pants at the hospital shop, Meredith went home. She was almost back to her pre pregnancy weight. She had just left the hospital building when she saw Maggie. It had been a long day and she was due to start her next shift at 2pm. She looked like she had been crying. Meredith walked up to her and smiled "Bad day?" Meredith wondered „You shouldn't waste another thought on him."

"I know" Maggie said and wiped the tears from her face "No. But I guess it just wasn't meant to be. But I feel lonely at times. It didn't hurt to walk away. I imagine if he had been the right one it…"

"It would feel like you've been ripped apart from inside" Meredith added "like the only think that can keep you hanging on is not thinking about it at all, but to live one day after the next and not thinking about what comes after tomorrow. You don't feel like you can't live another minute without him."

"Yeah it just doesn't feel like it." Maggie said "I just don't feel like there's something special between us. If I was angry, I didn't have to fight my love for him to stay angry, I just stayed angry and god, I was so annoyed when he kept sleeping with his socks on. That's so annoying. And he loved to spoon, I hate spooning, I used to stay awake until he had fallen asleep and slept on the couch and the couch wasn't too comfortable to begin with."

"In the beginning Derek used to disappear because I snored, he used earplugs later." Meredith said "I guess there is a fix to everything if you are willing to try."  
"I want to date people... and"  
"You will" Meredith smiled softly.

"Oh, my mom is here. I have to go." Maggie said and waved to her as she closed the car door. "Maybe you are right. Maybe there's no destiny, maybe we just choose ours."  
"So you are saying I choose to be lonely and miserable?" Meredith laughed.  
"Maybe you are not doing anything about it, sweetie" Maggie's mother smiled. "You are still young. You should"

* * *

Baltimore present day

Meredith woke up from the sound of her vibrating phone. "Derek?" Meredith looked at her phone and couldn't believe that he was calling her at 2.00 am in the morning.  
"Mer, I made a mistake. I don't want to be here alone. You should be here. And we should be drunk. Why aren't we drunk?" he mumbled. "You should be here and..."  
"It's 2 am here." Meredith mumbled "and you are drunk! Where is Mark? Why are you calling me?"  
"You are looking after the kids" he mumbled.  
"SO you are calling me in the middle of the night because I'm looking after our kids" Meredith asked, but he didn't listen and kept talking.  
"And I want Zola and Ellis to be here. You could, like, you know, have a drink and tell me things, and oh, my god. And tell me to wear deodorant. I forgot to wear deodorant, and now I stink and"  
"Where are you? Are you at the hotel?" Meredith wondered.  
"You know what? Forget it." He mumbled "I'm ...I'm fine. I'll marry you, Meredith. I'll go and marry you"  
"I'm in Baltimore Derek" Meredith hung up

Six and a half hours later Meredith heard a knock on the door. "You're home" Meredith concluded when she saw Derek at her front door.  
"I... you didn't answer my text" he said. He was trying to catch his breath.  
"I was reading a story for Ellis and Zola" she smiled. "They are in the kitchen now. Alex is making pancakes"  
"I was worried" he told her.  
"Derek, I'm fine" she smiled "The kids are fine. We are okay and you were drunk"  
 _"Meredith isn't telling Cristina about us. And well, she tells Cristina everything"  
"I thought you broke that off."  
"I meant to."  
"You think she's gonna want to get back together. You think she's gonna grow up and get all whole and want a relationship."  
"I do not".  
"You're a bad liar." _

"I want to be with you. Mark told me to take a step back, but I need to tell you that..." he had a deep breath.  
"Shh... don't say this" Meredith pulled him closer "Derek, this isn't a good idea. I... I can't be with you –not right now. We have too much to lose. You can't kiss me in public and you can't rescue me. Friends"  
"You said you wanted to be with me" Derek kept teasing. She couldn't resist him. The smile on his face pulled down her resistance, but she kept fighting.  
"I told you I wanted to make it work. That doesn't mean I can trust you, I mean I'll try to trust you and as long as I'm trying to learn how to trust you we can be"  
"Friends" he repeated, but he was so close to her that he couldn't help himself. He leaned in for a kiss and whispered "With benefits?"  
"With benefits" Meredith nodded and pulled him even closer to her body. "You haven't been talking to me"  
"I was trying to give you space" he said while he was kissing her neck "I thought you needed time"  
"I can't learn how to trust you if you don't talk to me. You didn't tell me that you would be out of town" Meredith kissed him and they were slowly making their way to the living room. "and you were drunk when you called me"  
"I was at a bachelor party" Derek whispered "Mark's bachelor party. I'm sorry. I missed you."  
"I know" Meredith whispered "But go upstairs, now!"


	20. Chapter 20

_Sorry for the long delay... the weeks have been busy... but here's the update you've been waiting for..._

* * *

Baltimore present day

When Meredith's nose was tickled by beams of sunlight she opened her eyes and saw her ex husband in front of her. "You are watching me sleep" she mumbled "What kind of weirdo are you?"  
"A cute one" Derek smirked and kissed her. Never in his wildest dream had he imagined a scenario like this. "It's a beautiful day, isn't it?"  
"Absolutely" Meredith said "I found a cocky neurosurgeon in my bed when I woke up."  
"My bed" Derek teased her "Technically, it's my bed. We are at my place, so it's my bed. We could make this OUR bed if you would take the key I offered you"  
"Derek, we talked about this" Meredith started to rant, but was interrupted by Zola who had opened the door and now looked at her naked parents.

"Moma" Zola smiled while they both tried to cover themselves with blankets.

"Hey Zola, how are you?" Meredith tried to act over the awkwardness of the situation "Good morning"  
"You are in daddy's bed." Zola stated.  
"See, it's my bed" Derek whispered and Meredith wanted to punch him.  
"I am. He had a nightmare last night and he needed someone to..." Meredith couldn't think of a verb.  
"be around so he isn't scared" Derek jumped in to help her.  
"I want pancakes for breakfast" the girl smiled and left the room again.  
"I should go" Meredith mumbled and got dressed quickly. "Tell them that I had to go to the hospital"  
"You slept with me and..." Derek started to imitate the speech he had given her at the hospital the day after they had met.  
"I do not take advantage of you" Meredith insisted. "We are both still in love of the idea of what we could have had... and... this can't work out... I need to leave. Goodbye Derek"  
"Goodbye Meredith" Derek whispered and watched her leave.

On the way to work Meredith stopped by at a bakery to buy something to eat. The woman in front of her picked up a cake for the gender reveal party –something Meredith thought was beyond ridiculous. The woman looked happy as the sales person explained to her how to cut the cake in order to get the answer she was looking for. Meredith wished that the question she needed an answer to would be as easy to answer as 'Boy or girl'.

The fact that Zola had seen her and Derek forced her to face the reality of their situation. She had been caught on cloud 9 for the past weeks – pretending to be not a thing had been easy. They were Dr. Grey and Dr. Shepherd in the hospital, one picked up the kids –and the other one snuck into their bed late at night when the kids or Alex were asleep. It had been a scenario that allowed her to ignore the fact that they were practically living together. She had snuck into his house when he was with the kids or he had climbed through her bed room window when the kids were with her. It was a teenage fantasy come true –somehow unconventional, but it was the thrill of the chase. Lots of wild sex and zero commitment – it was not really what she needed. They had talked about their shortcomings, about the things that had led him and her to this. A situation where she needed to explain to her daughter why mommy was in daddy's dad had been something she had wanted to avoid. This could not happen again.

* * *

Boston 4 months ago

Derek leaned over to catch a quick peek at Meredith. He knew where Dr. Springer and his team were seated, but he couldn't find her. Instead he saw somebody else. "The bar girl is sitting at Meredith's table" he whispered to Mark. Mark tried to peek discretely and noticed that Meredith was not there.  
"Which bar girl?" Mark wondered. "I've lost track. You met a couple of women in a bar. Big grey, little Grey, that chick in LA" There had been too many. Derek had met both Lexie and Meredith at the bar - and he had already forgotten about Derek's encounter with a young African American doctor. "The L.A. one?"  
"Yeah" Derek nodded "Do you think she's looking at me? We really connected"  
"Is this junior prom? Didn't she ignore you the next morning?" Mark wondered "I'll get something to drink for all of us. You promised me you won't talk to Mer, so anybody at her table is off-limits. If you win tonight, I'm sure I can hook you up with someone."

"Do you think they know each other?" Derek asked. Mark rolled with his eyes instantaneously.  
"Yeah, they probably live together like Robbins and Torres. They have sex and adopt a lot of interracial children" Mark mocked him. "Man, you really lost your touch"  
"Or he returned to his high school self!" his sister Kathleen suggested. "You remember that Afro? He literally had no game in high school."  
"It was sad, I remember" Mark nodded.

"What happened to your hair, you look like you just got out of surgery" Maggie hushed when Meredith walked into the room seconds after the ceremony had started. A soloist was playing the violin while a representative from the Harper Avery foundation entered the stage.  
"I'm sorry, emergency surgery. Got dragged into it when I dropped off Ellis" Meredith was out of breath "My stand in took a while to come in." Her hair was curled, but wild.  
"You were wearing this dress in an OR?" Maggie whispered. "Wow! Where's all the baby weight? You look great"  
"You lose a lot of weight if you don't have time to eat." Meredith joked. "I really hope I can grab something at the bar after the ceremony. I'm so sorry, Dr. Springer. Mr. Sutter was brought in. I just had too..."  
"I understand." the surgeon nodded "Is he okay?"  
"I don't know, Ericson took over" Meredith hushed "He'll update me"  
"Who is Mr. Sutter?" Maggie wondered.  
"One of the trial patients." Meredith said. "He came in with renal failure." Meredith looked to her right. Derek's table was full of people. She saw him and he hadn't aged a day. She felt all the emotions she had gone through since she left. He sat next to his mom and sister. Mark and a woman she didn't know were sitting there as well.

* * *

Baltimore present day

One week before the wedding and Derek knew that he needed to make sure he kept Mark's nerves calm. But in reality he was the one that needed to be calmed down. "Zola found us in bed this morning... Meredith left and now I can't get a hold of her." Derek needed to vent.  
"Every time she walks away from you, she's miserable! I care about how she feels, okay? I care" Mark told him "You..."  
"Mark" Derek interrupted him surprised by his harsh words.  
"Maybe after so many years you just don't see it. You pity yourself because she has done you so wrong. You know how many women think like that, and... and look like that, and laugh like that, and care?" Mark wondered.  
"I know, she did it because she cared too much. She cares so much for the people she loves, she' the..." Derek tried to calm himself down "and I'm in love with everything about her. I'm in love with the idea of what we could have had and I'm in love with her being the"  
"One for you – and when you have it, you know it" Mark smiled "So far I've met one. And yeah, she's... she's Meredith's sister and she's out of my league in every possible way, but I don't care. She dazzles me... and I'm not stupid enough to believe that one day I'll meet someone like her."  
"I tried Mark. I don't believe I'll meet someone like her because I won't love her." Derek sighed "I won't love her because nothing compares to her"  
"I wouldn't have hurt her." Mark told him.  
"I'm going to pretend you didn't say this about my wife." Derek told Mark "You sound like you are in love with my wife"  
"Ex-wife. My soon to be sister in law." Mark clarified "You asked her for a divorce –and now you are surprised that she doesn't take you back so easily."  
"We've been practically living together for a months now" Derek insisted.

"Ugh, I hate him." Meredith mumbled while she looked at the chart Derek had given her before they had left the hospital the night before.  
"You've been spending the nights at his house" Alex stated "What has he done now?"  
"He asked me to do a consult with him and it's Beth Monroe." Meredith said, but Alex knew that this consult was not part of the problem.  
"Who is Beth Monroe?" he wondered.  
"#13 of the glioma trial, house of candles and " Meredith stopped for a second "and Zola found us in bed this morning"  
"Are you implying that you are afraid of commitment?" Alex smiled.  
"I'm not" Meredith insisted "It's not going to work out. You were not right."  
"You are" Alex smiled "You've been sleeping at his house for what? Five weeks now"  
"I've not. It's not been this long, has it?" Meredith looked at him.  
"It has been." Alex nodded.  
"He has this idea of his McFamily and -he wouldn't want this if it wasn't for Ellis and Zola. He..." Meredith started to ramble, but Alex interrupted her little rant.  
"Relax, you are reading too much into this. Maybe it's just a consult"

* * *

Boston 4 months ago

"I didn't know Derek's ex wife would be here" Kathleen whispered to Mark while they listened to one of the key note speakers.  
"Where do you see her? Your brother has been looking for her everywhere" Mark joked "He was more eager to see her than to think about winning the most important award a surgeon could win."  
"If she's nominated, she must be good." Kathleen said "Didn't she get fired?"  
"Yeah, but not for killing a patient" Mark said "She tempered with Derek's trial."  
"And she's working on one again." Kathleen noted "Good for her. He's still an emotional mess and she's on the top of her career. I understand why Nancy doesn't like her"  
"You've never met or talked to her" Mark insisted. "She's hard getting to know, but one's you know her. She's worth it"  
"Will you two stop talking!" Derek's mother interrupted them. "They are about to present the winners"  
"Surgery is the boldest and most fearless of the healing arts. We stand side-by-side with the colleagues who have supported us, prepared us The Harper Avery award celebrates those who have destroyed the obstacles, altered the direction, and invented the future of how we are to live and heal and thrive. The surgeons in this room are redefining medicine for generations to come. For the moment that every surgeon lives for And so I am very pleased to announce this year's winner."

The presenter had said his name. It was surreal. Derek walked up the stairs. All eyes were on him -all eyes except the one he had been desperate to see. Meredith looked down on the ground. He took a deep breath before he started. "A little more than a year ago I couldn't have imagined standing here right now. I had suffered a major setback in my career - and circumstances outside of my control forced me to start over." he looked at Meredith who was looking straight at him "Today I see that this setback has been a gigantic leap forward. I was forced to look at things from a different perspective. I made changes in my life and had to fight major obstacles. Some days I felt like giving up." he paused and waited for a reaction on Meredith's face. She bid her lips and hoped that Derek would stop looking at her. Some days he felt like giving up. She wondered what giving up would have looked like. She imagined that it meant picking up the phone and telling her that he still loved her or flying to Boston and crash one of her surgeries.

"But I didn't". Derek swallowed and Meredith tried to suppress her feelings.. He hadn't. He hadn't called and the encounter in the OR had not happened either. No, she knew he had worked on his trial and she had worked on hers. They had lived their lives like their paths had never crossed. Like she had never felt the safety she had felt when he was with her, the feeling she had not felt since she had left. Flashbacks were playing in both their minds - _'I'm your eye for an eye' - 'Don't look at me like that' - 'You were like coming up for fresh air' - "I don't want 48 hours.'_ "I can't breathe" Meredith whispered and left the room. The flashback in Derek's head stopped and he looked down on his sheet of paper.

"I emerged stronger; and had the privilege of working on a very special project with some of the brightest colleagues I ever got the chance of working with. I want to say thanks to them, to my family and to my friends! Thank you!" He looked at Meredith one last time. She was almost at the door and he knew that Mark was right. She was still in his box of things he had to get rid of, but could not close much less throw out.

* * *

Baltimore present day

"That tumor was huge" Meredith told Derek when she reviewed Beth's file "I can't believe you got it out completely – it was so beautiful"  
"It needed to be fixed" Derek mumbled. "and I was the one who could fix it"  
"and you fixed it" Meredith nodded "You got to the bottom of it and you removed every tiny cell. She was your Harper Avery case, was she?"  
"She was. She asked for you when she was in Seattle." Derek sighed and sat down next to Meredith "and if it wasn't for Beth, I wouldn't have seen you again and do you remember when you told me that we could be extraordinary rather than ordinary apart."  
"You were extraordinary without me" Meredith insisted. "This tumor was crazy difficult to remove"  
"I wasn't. Do you know what my first thought after that surgery was?" he wondered and put the file down. "I wanted to tell you. I wanted to pull that bottle of champagne out of the fridge again and I wanted to win you over with some grand gesture"  
"Grand gesture?" Meredith smiled and looked at the scan. It had been a long time since someone had shown her an MRI of the brain. It looked fine and she turned the screen to Derek. "It looks fine. Clean slate, third chance. She'll be okay" She would be fine – just like Meredith. Life had a funny way of only moving forward.  
"Are we going to talk about what happened this morning?" Derek wondered. He knew why she had rushed out without a word.  
"It's easy" she sighed "Zola shouldn't have seen us in bed together"  
"Why not?" Derek wondered "I love you and you love me"  
"If love was enough we wouldn't have gotten divorced in the first place" he looked hurt when she said those words. He wanted to yell, but he realized that she was right. Their problem had never been that they didn't love each other enough, it was quite the opposite.  
"Love was too much, Meredith" he whispered "If you do anything, it's… the people you love… you'd do everything for them –even if it damages you, even if you know you get in trouble. You would die for the people you love. You told a gun man to shoot you"  
"I did" Meredith laughed.

"Don't ever do that again" Derek smiled back at her. "Zola and Ellis need a mom"  
"and a dad" Meredith added "So don't take bullets. I've seen you getting shot too many times. I don't need you to be my knight in shining armor"  
"Men in my family" Derek sighed "I can't help it. How about dinner tonight?"  
"I can't." Meredith lied "I'm sorry. I have to go. Beth is waiting."

* * *

Boston 4 months ago

"What are you doing here?" her resident wondered.  
"Well, my patients need me." Meredith smiled. "I feel a lot more comfortable here than I do at those dinners". She always held open invitations for disasters and she felt like staying for Derek's victory lap around the room.  
"You want to figure out why the device is failing"  
"Yeah, it was perfect, it worked fine, and then everything falls to crap and he's here all of a sudden" she nodded. "and it's like we're back at step 1 except this time it's a lot harder because we only have a tiny window of opportunity. Can I see the chart?"  
"The tests haven't come back yet. The lab is backed up" the resident sighed "I tried to rush them, but…"  
"Yeah, I get it. You haven't expected me to be back so early" Meredith nodded "I haven't expected to be back so early either. You can go home if you want to."  
"Oh, I'll sit here with you -if you don't mind." the resident smiled "Dr. Springer said he's leaving, is that true?"  
"Probably" Meredith nodded "I don't know. He gave me this whole speech about breathing freely again and about feeling fine again -and I don't think he was talking about me all the time. He's probably pissed he didn't win the Harper Avery. So I really don't know."  
"I sometimes wonder what the world outside looks like. I spend so much time in here, I hardly ever get out. It's easy to forget that there's something real outside" the resident sighed "I'm from this tiny place in Missouri. I haven't seen anything. I spend years in libraries and lecture halls - I never really lived - and now I'm supposed to save people's lives. I thought we did. I mean I pushed you to do this trial, so I can do this trial - and I thought we were helping people, but I don't have a clue about life. I've never loved anyone. You know that idea of life they give you in romance novels. I've never experienced that -have you?"  
"I have. With Ellis dad" Meredith sighed. It was weird talking about Derek - considering he was just across the street  
"What happened to him?" the resident wondered.  
"He had to go, and I had to stay" Meredith sighed. "and now I'm stuck in this state of immovability- maybe I should free myself from that."  
Suddenly out of the blue there was a change in Meredith's perspective. She had learned to live without him. "Have you noticed that most of our patients have a history of dementia in their family?" the resident wondered "The diabetes starts before the dementia starts, but what if…"  
"How many patients have you looked at?" Meredith wondered.  
"About 200 of the applicants" the girl explained "what if we have looked at the whole dementia thing all wrong?"  
"How long have you thought about this?" Meredith wondered.  
"Six weeks" the resident said "I was reading this article by Dr. Shepherd about looking at things from a different perspective. I can lend you a copy if you want to."  
"That won't be necessary" Meredith rolled her eyes. She had read the article even though she had hated herself for it. "I'm very familiar with Dr. Shepherd's publications -and you might have saved more lives than you could ever imagine. If there's a causality, this might be something big"

"You are all cheerful" the resident noted.  
"We might not have won today, but maybe we'll turn our lives around today and maybe in a year or two we'll kick our colleagues' asses and show them what amazing research two women can pull off." Meredith said "Write a research proposal and submit it to the NHI."  
"You want me to draw up a proposal?" the resident wondered.  
"It's your idea." Meredith encouraged her and got up. "If I learned one thing in the past year, it's that you have to stand up for yourself. And I was born to someone who had a method named after her before she sat her boards. So, don't hide behind me or Dr. Springer or anyone."  
"Where are you going?" the resident wondered.  
"Handing in my resignation" Meredith smiled. "It's time to move on -and our trial is over and… I need to go somewhere"

* * *

Baltimore present day

"Beth Monroe, you look fantastic" Meredith smiled when she walked into Beth's room. "I can't believe it! It's been four years"  
"Dr. Grey? I can't believe you work here" the young woman smiled. She had changed a lot since Meredith had seen her last. "The other Dr. Grey told me you moved away. So this is where you went?"  
"I actually lived in Boston for a bit, but that's a long story" Meredith smiled politely "What have you been up to?"  
"I went volunteering in the Middle East. It's what Jeremy always wanted to do, so I… I thought I owed it to him. I thought that I had gotten the chance at life that he deserved. I felt like I really made an impact. I sort of felt like I had to earn the right to this second life." She updated Meredith "and then at a refugee camp in Jordan I started to seize. A very nice doctor took care of me. He diagnosed the tumour –or he told me to get my head checked. You can't really get an MRI in the middle of the desert"  
"Do you miss him?" Meredith wondered "Jeremy? Do you still miss him?"  
"I… I'll always miss him, he was my first love. Something like that doesn't come around all too often, does it?" the young woman smiled "So you and Dr. Shepherd finally made it work?"  
"That's an even longer story" Meredith sighed.  
"You two were always so obvious" the girl giggled.  
"We were married… he proposed about six months after the trial and we got married on a post it. And he was shot and we worked on another trial again, and we adopted a child and we got divorced, I moved to Boston, had a child, finished my residency, got nominated for a very fancy award and got offered an amazing position here" Meredith rambled "Which is where I met him –again – out of the blue. I thought I'd never seen him again –I had… I had gotten used to the fact that he wasn't around anymore"  
"You two were meant to end up together" the girl smiled. "I'm still waiting for that person"  
"I thought you are still in love with Jeremy" Meredith looked at her .  
"I do, but he's gone and I'm still here – and I have to believe a love like that comes around again. I just have to believe that this wasn't it." She said "Tell me what is happening with you and Dr. Shep. I mean he wouldn't have sent you to see me if…"  
"You are something. It's complicated. It really is" Meredith sighed "We are friends –and parents to two beautiful girls. Let me show you a picture."  
"They are gorgeous" Beth smiled  
"They are" Meredith nodded. "But they get older and they notice things. I'm still adjusting to the situation. I learned to survive on my own."  
"But it's lonely" Beth smiled "I get it. I'm still having those dreams – you know… where I wake up after surgery and he's still there. I got used to the fact that he won't be there, but I hope and pray that there will be somebody someday who is going to be there when I wake up because I'm scared of dying alone. I've seen so many dying children in Jordan –and the only comfort I could give them was letting them know that they aren't alone."

* * *

Boston 4 months ago

Mark looked around. All the people in the room seemed happy while he was alone. Lexie had stayed in Seattle because she was looking after Zola. Derek was the star of the evening and while he had promised him to have a drink with him, Mark was still on his own.  
This evening had been the first occasion where Derek had smiled since Zola had started to talk. He looked at a blonde in a black dress who was carrying her black-haired daughter to the exit and thought that this would be the perfect picture of Meredith after the ceremony. It'd be her and Derek and their five McChildren, Mark thought. Mark knew that Derek still dreamt about her. If it had been her leaving with Zola, Derek's life would have been perfect, but instead he had been talking to the Chief of Staff of John Hopkins for almost thirty minutes. "I thought you had forgotten about me" Mark said when Derek finally walked up to him.  
"Sorry Mark" Derek said and looked at the glass of scotch that Mark handed over to him "Mark, I need changes, you live in Mer's old house now and I think she's going to walk around the corner every time I'm there. It's like a Meredith Grey ghost haunts me wherever I'm trying to go. They offered me Chief at John Hopkins".  
"That's amazing." Mark said "I hope you'll finally get over her there -and stop nagging me about her. I won't be around to babysit Zola though."  
"I know." Derek nodded  
Mark raised his glass for a toast. A few people around them joined in. "To the man who has hit more walls than anyone else and still managed to break through them."  
"Don't you wonder what she is doing? She left. " Derek asked. He always felt like she was close. He felt like she was there when he discussed his research with Dr. Jackson. Mark knew whom he was referring to in an instant. "Man, you have to forget about her" Mark said. "She didn't win and she didn't feel like congratulating you."  
"I tried to, Mark." Derek reminded him "I threw out all her pictures, I never talk about her. I tried to forget about her enough to get over her, but there's no getting over her."  
"I know you never felt about Addison like this, Derek" Mark said "but if it was Lexie, I'd take her out to dinner and talk."  
"I know it's over, but sometimes I can't help but wonder what we'd be if we were still together. I just wonder what it'd be like if she was here. She'd get ready in her room. She'd probably wear a breath-taking dress and tell our daughter how proud she is. And when she walks into the room everybody's eyes would be on her. She'd walk across the room carrying our daughter and she'd sit down right beside me- instead she sat at a different table and I only got to see her for like ten seconds. We didn't talk."

* * *

Baltimore present day

"He has a date? I can't believe that he calls me to tell me that he has a date." Meredith mumbled. "He calls me to ask me. 'Can you pick up the kids tonight?' "  
"Are we talking about Dr. Shepherd here?" Alex wondered.  
"No, Santa Claus, who do you we are talking about?" Meredith glanced.  
"You see his hair and your insides get all squishy." Alex smirked.  
"They are not! Just go out with Wilson." Meredith. "and have dinner with me at the place he's having dinner."  
"I don't say no to free food" Alex said.  
"Who said I was paying?" Meredith wondered.  
"I'm not letting you stalk your boyfriend with me – unless I get something out of it" Alex laughed "You are about to cross over to crazy"  
"I'm not crazy, I'm a Grey" Meredith smiled.  
"Am I supposed to know what that means?" Alex wondered. "What is it you want anyway?"  
"To be able to look at him and feel absolutely nothing. That's the kind of closure I wanted." Meredith sighed "That's why I came here. I thought I was ready to let go, but... I'm not... and"  
"Maybe you don't get this kind of closure because it just isn't over." Alex insisted.  
"That's what I was going to say" Meredith nodded "I came here and it wasn't over. It's just another chapter, but now he's talking to Wilson who you should be talking to and five minutes later he calls me to tell me to pick up the kids after he told me he loved me just this morning"

* * *

Seattle 4 months ago

"You are my love story, and I write you into everything I do, everything I see, everything I touch and everything I dream, you are the words that fill my pages." The blanket Maggie's mother had made for Ellis contained all sorts of corny quotes.

Meredith looked at her sleeping baby. "I saw your daddy. He's still very pretty. Not as pretty as you, but a close second" Meredith whispered with a smile on her face.  
"She's not going to reply, you know?" Maggie smiled. Meredith turned around and looked at her sister who had just returned from the gala. She looked stunning in her dress.  
"She will- one day. It's only a matter of time." Meredith said. And she would start asking questions eventually.  
"You never came back. Someone from John Hopkins was looking for you." Maggie explained. He had also talked to Derek Shepherd for a while, but he had been very keen on finding Meredith Grey.  
Meredith nodded. "He's the coordinator of the fellowship programme. He wants me to run a diabetes trial that uses the findings of our trial. The trial we thought was successful, but the patient in the ICU tells you otherwise."  
"What is stopping you?" Maggie wondered "It sounds like a good opportunity"  
"It's research, no OR time. I'd... "  
"do limited hours. You can take afternoons off to go to the park. It's sort of perfect." Maggie tried to encourage her. "and you'd get another chance to finally move on. Because you still have this whole "You are my love story, and I write you into everything I do, everything I see, everything I touch and everything I dream, you are the words that fill my pages." thing for Derek and you need to get over that. I mean you never really get a new start here -with Ellis and the divorce and everything... "  
Meredith nodded, but interrupted her. It was time to be realistic "He won a Harper Avery Award. There's virtually no hospital on the planet where I could hide from him. It's tempting to accept the offer when it's an offer you can't refuse."

"The Avery foundation considers to buy SGMW."  
"Yeah, and I hate the thought of being connected to him like that. There'd be phone conferences, meetings, consults and he might travel here" Meredith looked at Maggie "or I might have to go back"  
"I would love to do a consult in Seattle, see where Ellis Grey lived and worked, meet your people" Maggie began to dream.  
"Well, you can stay here and do that" she joked "I'm going to find somebody."

* * *

Baltimore present day

"Wilson looks old." Alex chuckled when Derek walked in with his mother.  
"What do you mean?" Meredith wondered. She didn't want to risk blowing her cover.  
"Shepherd just walked in with a woman that looks way too old to be an intern. Older than Herman, and he died, so…" Alex stopped and Meredith turned around quickly to have a chance to take a glance at Derek.  
"Crap, crap, crap. It's his mother. She can't see me here." Meredith whispered.

"Still jealous?" Alex smirked.  
"I don't get jealous." Meredith mumbled. "Where's Wilson?"  
"At the hospital, in the OR with Dr. Colestone." Alex laughed. He had known that it wasn't Wilson all along. Meredith had not been the only one who snuck people into a bed room.  
"So that's why she was looking forward to tonight…" Meredith whispered and felt stupid.  
"It's her first appy, she was nervous, so she asked him for advice." Alex smiled "Let's eat this steak"

* * *

Boston 3 months ago

Meredith knocked at the door the lady at the reception had referred her to.  
The door opened and Meredith's heart skipped a beat. "Derek isn't here" Mark said "He had to head back to Seattle. He had to see a patient. Where did you go?"  
"I had to see a patient" Meredith said.  
"He talked to a woman about the time you promised to cook dinner." Mark chuckled. "He still thinks about you"  
"It was a Tuesday. The Tuesday before Alex" she paused. Mark looked like he didn't want to hear about it, but it was the Tuesday before she had gotten fired.  
"Meredith, he told all the details, about how you didn't buy any ingredients and tried to wing it -and about how you ended up sitting on the living room floor ordering take out"  
Meredith nodded. It had been an amazing evening. They had talked and laughed and it was probably the last happy memory she had with him.  
"Why did you come here anyway?" Mark wondered.  
"My moronic resident made a not so moronic observation when she monitored our trial data." Meredith said "and it might be interesting for Derek's research. I wanted him to know"  
"You are very concerned about Derek's research" Mark sighed "Come in"  
"No, nevermind." Meredith declined "Maybe this is a sign from the universe. I'll tell my resident to get in touch with him - and I'll move on. This is goodbye. I have to go. Take care of Lexie, Mark."  
"There's no universe, Meredith. Things don't happen to you. You happen to things and you should stop blaming destiny for all the crap that is going on in your life and take charge." Mark paused "This is probably what your sister would have told you. I don't know where that came from. If it was up for me to decide, you two would dance at my wedding."

* * *

Baltimore present day

Meredith stopped breathing. He was standing right in front of her and pulled her closer to him. His eyes were beautiful and she was nervous. "You are back" Meredith smiled. "The kids missed you"  
Instead of saying something he kissed her. "What do you want me to do? You don't trust me and I want to show you that I'm trustworthy."  
"Show me that Ellis and Zo are your priority" Meredith touched his hands softly "That's what I need to know for now. I don't want them to be confused by whatever is going on with us"  
"I'll do anything in my power to prove it to you. You, Ellis, Zola and tumours on the wall and ferryboat scrub caps. You want to go back to being just… parents. I'll accept that" he touched her face "I can't leave you. I love you Meredith!"  
"How was your date?" Meredith wondered.  
"I saw you and Alex" Derek smiled. "I thought it was funny that you were hiding from my mother."  
Meredith looked down to the ground. She knew her behavior had been childish. "What was it that you needed to do? She told you to do it and you insisted that it wasn't the right time. What was it?"  
"I'm not going to tell you. In fact I asked you to join me for dinner" he reminded her "and you declined. You don't get to hear it."  
"I…"  
"needed to eavesdrop on me" Derek smirked. "You are not ready to know. Not yet anyway –and I'm not ready to tell you"  
"It's not me, it's you. Are you really going to give me that speech?" Meredith teased him.  
"It's us. We want this to work – and maybe it's time to take things slowly." He told her and walked away. "Good night, Meredith. I have to go and I will make the kids my priority"  
"I signed your forms. You can take them to Mark's wedding" Meredith noted. "I know you need the consent forms for Ellis."  
"Well, thank you, but I like to relinquish using them. You should come to that wedding with me." Derek insisted "I'm sure…"  
"She wouldn't talk to me." Meredith sighed "I… and…"  
"See, you are not ready!" Derek nodded "I'll wait until you are."  
"What do you want me to do?"  
"Stay here. Don't move." Derek told her "Don't say a word and just kiss me"  
"I think I can do that" Meredith smiled and their lips touched.


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

* * *

 _In trauma, we're concerned with one overriding question. How did this happen? What was the mechanism of injury? How do we see past the mess and confusion of trauma to figure out what the damage actually is? Infinite possibilities put the patient on the table in front of you. Now you have to figure out, will they live? Will you be able to save them or are they a lost cause?_

* * *

 _"_ _Stay here, don't move! Wait for me!"_ Derek's words were echoing in Meredith's mind as one trauma patient was wheeled into the trauma room. Thirty minutes ago they had fought over punctuality. Derek had shown up twenty minutes late when he arrived at Meredith's door. "My schedule got mixed up, sorry!" he said and took over Zola and a diaper back from her. It contained enough diapers to last the weekend – a weekend he'd spend in Seattle.  
 _"This can't happen if you want this to work out, she needs to know that you are going to be there when..."_ Twenty minutes ago Meredith had been mad at him and now she pitied the patient because he wouldn't get the best neurosurgeon in the hospital to fix his spine. _"no... she needs to know that there are people whose life depends on me." He insisted. "I'm the Chief of surgery"_  
Meredith looked at Jo Wilson and told her to page neuro. While having quite a few trauma hours, Meredith needed a neuro surgeon for whatever had happened to the man's spine during the MVP.  
"They are backed up" Jo sighed. "Do you know what we are going to do? They told me to wait. I could do it"  
 _"Alright, let's not discuss this in front of her. Just call next time!" Meredith bid her lip.  
"I'll try to remember!" Derek nodded.  
"Bye Ellis, mommy is going to see you on Monday!" Meredith whispered and closed the door behind her. "Have fun in Seattle"_

"Dr. Grey" Jo Wilson interrupted her. "What are we going to do?"  
"You can't do it. No offense, but if anything goes wrong – one wrong move- and he won't be able to move his legs. You have never assisted on a procedure like this" Meredith looked up "Tell me what you think. You've heard of triage, haven't you? What are our options?"  
"He's critical. We need to get him into the OR and someone has to fix his spine before we can move on to the free fluid in his abdomen" Wilson said "I'll page neuro again and tell the OR floor we're coming"  
"Good girl" Meredith smiled.

"I had no clue you know all those things about my surgeries. You must have read my files" Jo looked at Meredith while they pushed the patient's cart into the elevator.  
"Oh, I sign off on your surgeries. On top of everything else" Meredith sighed and hectically pressed the elevator button. "Do you know what happened this morning?"  
Meredith wanted to tell Jo why she was pissed, but thought this might be inappropriate and decided to tell her a little anecdote instead "My daughter wanted ice cream for breakfast this morning"  
"Hold that door" a voice yelled. "This is my patient" Meredith looked up and saw Derek.  
"What happened with the icecream Dr. Grey?"  
"What are you doing here?" she wondered. He was supposed to be at the airport.  
"Elevators are sort of our thing" he smiled "Dr. Wilson paged me, she said you told her to page the best"  
"and I have forgotten that you have a huge ego. You are meant to be the best man at a wedding."Meredith rolled her eyes. "I thought you'd be at the airport by now"  
"I was – but apparently our ER is backed up and the roads to the airport was closed down" Derek looked at Meredith "You don't seem to be happy" As he said it, the elevator stopped. "and Dr. Wilson, what Dr. Grey was trying to tell you is that she ate all the icecream the night before and her poor daughter was stuck with muesli"  
"That her health nut of a father bought" Meredith rolled her eyes.  
"The elevator isn't moving" Jo noted and tried to press any button.  
"Great" Meredith sighed.  
"We can do this, Meredith" Derek smiled "We've done amazing things in elevators"  
"You are not even supposed to be here" Meredith was focused on the patient "and you are no use to me here, you need an OR. This is not the right place to fix him"  
"Well, we don't have much choice. You can stay mad at me or you can try to help me. Press the stop button Dr. Wilson"  
"You are insane" Meredith mumbled. "You should be on a plane to Seattle. You should be at the airport and…"  
"What's the matter?" Derek wondered. "You are jealous that I get to see my best friend and your half sister ride off into the sunset together."  
"No" Meredith coughed.  
"What's the matter?" Derek looked at Meredith "Something is up with you?"  
"This could have been you –and our kids. You have been in surgery for hours before you took them to the airport or tried to take them to the airport" Meredith yelled "and I would be alone if something happened to them – or you."  
"You two are a thing?" Jo wondered.  
"We are friends" Derek told her "at least that's what Dr. Grey tells me"  
"We are moving" Jo smiled as they all sensed a slight bump.

Meredith looked at the door. Derek was on the other side. She had not waited for him, he had just left and hadn't even been at the airport when her intern had paged him.  
"Goodbye Katherine!" he hugged a scrub nurse "I really enjoyed working with you. I know it's only been a very short time, but you are one of the best scrub nurses in the country"  
"It's been a pleasure, Dr. Shepherd" the red head smiled. She wanted to tell him that she wanted to be more than friends, that she would have wanted to be the wife in the waiting room, but when she entered the scrub room, he had picked up his phone.

"Yeah, I'm glad to be back in Seattle" Derek smiled "It's the right time to come back. I needed this and now I'm ready to rock the ORs in Washington State again. See you when I get there" She couldn't believe her ears. He had picked up the kids for the wedding and told her to 'take care'.  
"I'll update the wife" Meredith told him and passed by."She'd want to know"  
"See you around" he smiled and watched her leave.

'Your husband is in recovery now. He won't be awake for a while, but given hi…' the wife hugged her tightly and cried 'When they called me, I thought he was dead and… he'll be fine' Meredith saw a lot of herself in that woman and wondered if the reflection of Derek she saw in the parking lot was real. Was he leaving again? Was he leaving with the kids? She wanted to know, but she was on the other side of that door. She had chosen to remain on that side. She looked at the photo of her, the kids and Derek on her phone and she closed her eyes, got up and grabbed the car keys in her coat. 'I'll take you to his room'

 _"_ _Wait, please! Don't leave. I never wanted it to be like this. I don't like this reality where the truth comes out and we stop talking to each other. I wanted the truth to bring us closer, to heal us, not tear us apart." Meredith turned around. She could not believe it. He had driven to the airport to stop her.'_ Stop believing in fairytales! You need to save yourself' she mumbled to herself while she sat in the car. She had closed her eyes and dreamt and all of a sudden everything had been clear.

* * *

"Meredith" he turned around. He was surprised to see her. "I thought…" He was puzzled. What was she doing at the airport?  
"No, Derek, don't interrupt me… I hate this. I mean I told you to go without me, but this isn't us, this isn't how we end. You could have told me… I heard your phone call" She begged him with her eyes "I keep telling myself that things will get better and that I just have to make it through the hard stuff first, but things keep getting harder and harder and I keep wondering when this is going to change. But I am getting nowhere with you and I can't let you go and I can't get over you… Stop! Don't get on this plane! I love you. I know sometimes I'm a little bit of a disappointment. I rarely know what I want before I act. Still, I want you to know that in a lifetime of rushed decisions, wrong turns and spectacular messes, you're the first thing that felt right. So, don't leave because of me. We can figure this out."  
"Meredith, what are you doing here?" Derek smiled.  
"Trying to fight for us! Don't get on that plane! Don't leave us! Don't throw away your career like that!" Meredith begged him "Don't leave me. I told you I was out of this relationship and that we were friends- with benefits, but that's a lie. I'm..."  
"Meredith" he tried to say something.  
"No, hear me out! I love you! I was miserable when we got divorced and you... you are great and!" Meredith tried to catch her breath.  
"I'm not leaving permanently, I was going to visit Mark for their wedding ceremony and I have two patients in Seattle before that! I'm only in Seattle for a few days. I'll be back on Tuesday. I'll have a surgery in Seattle on Monday" he explained.  
"Oh, I see!" Meredith starred at him. "Now I feel stupid because I purchased a ticket in case... I have to talk you out of leaving us and now I feel stupid because.."  
He leaned in to kiss her "You said you bought a ticket. I guess I will have a wedding date after all"  
"yeah" she nodded "But I don't have a dress. I don't have any clothes"  
"Come to Seattle with me! We can celebrate with Lexie and Mark –and I have a nice credit card so I guess we can buy you a nice dress-and nice underwear" he encouraged her. "The best man needs a +1"  
"I wasn't invited" Meredith nodded. "I don't have any clothes –I don't have any clothes"  
"That's great" Derek chuckled and kissed her.

* * *

Lexie couldn't believe who was standing at her door "Meredith? Why did you bring her?" Lexie looked at Derek, Meredith and the kids.  
"I wanted to share this moment with the people I love." He looked at Mark. There had been too little time to try to warn him. He had waited at the airport.  
"he wanted to be with Ellis" Meredith said when Lexie looked at her. "I'm sorry..."  
"I hope it's okay" Derek whispered.  
"I can stay at mom's old house. It's fine" Meredith sighed and turned around.  
Lexie opened the door and looked at her. "No, stay -and " she looked at her half sister "You can buy a flower girl dress for her, can you?" she asked like she was talking to a stranger.  
"sure. You're about to have a baby" Meredith looked at the bump.  
"I am" Lexie smiled.  
"and you are about to get married –and I haven't seen you in forever – so let me hug you" Meredith smiled.  
"I can't, sorry" Lexie stated politely, but extended her hand for a hand shake.

Meredith and Derek stood in the guest room where two travel beds were standing. "This is a horrible idea. She hates me for leaving and I get it. I've always been a terrible sister." Meredith sighed as she sat on the queen size bed.  
"She'll be okay. She was surprised to see you" Derek tried to encourage her.  
"Have you told anyone about us?" Meredith wondered.  
"About the fact that we've been sleeping in the same bed for weeks and you still refuse to call it a relationship?" Derek smirked.  
"I don't want anyone to get their hopes up-including me" Meredith admitted "It's just too good to be true. But, we haven't worked through our issues."  
"I believe this was meant to happen. I love you Meredith. I love or little family. I thought those trials were everything, but I was wrong. You are everything. You and the kids. I can't live without you." Derek took Meredith's hand.  
"I can live without you, but I don't want to. I don't ever want to" she told him. "I can't believe we are here again."  
"Neither can I" Derek kissed her forehead.

In the mean time Lexie and Mark argued in the living room. "You... you are not happy" Mark noted. He knew it was an understatement and the sudden reappearance of her half sister had shaken his fiancé.  
"Did you know? Did you know Mer was in Boston and in Baltimore?" Lexie looked at him"O my God, that look on your face... you knew"  
"She assisted when Jackson and I went to Boston and" he was interrupted.  
"and you never bothered to tell me?" she yelled at him "She's my sister... and apparently I'm the only one that didn't know where my sister was"  
"I can't tell you anything you haven't found out already" Mark told her.

At the end of the night it was only Mark and Derek. Meredith had left and Lexie was in bed. "You brought Meredith." Mark held a bottle of bear in his hand.  
"I told you..." Derek stopped. They had talked a lot.  
"If I had brought everyone I met to family functions..." Mark started, but this was an issue that he shouldn't have brought up.  
"you did, may I remind you that we can play 'Who's that skank' on a lot of the photos during our college years." Derek laughed.  
"So have you figured out custody for Ellis yet?" Mark winked. Even though Derek had never mentioned anything, he felt like there was more to the story than custody.  
"I get her every other week, but it's not necessary because" Derek stopped and Mark started to laugh.  
"you two have hot sex. I can see it in your eyes" Mark smiled. "She listened to me"  
"She listened to you?" Derek wondered.  
"She came to see you after the Harper Avery Award ceremony" Mark admitted.

* * *

A beam of sunlight tickled her nose. She looked up and saw Derek in her bed room "This is familiar. I would have never thought that I'd ever wake up to your snoring in this house again" Derek smiled.  
"You've been watching me" Meredith concluded "You've been watching me the whole time –and I've been disgusting"  
"I checked on the kids" he smiled "and I have to drive to the hospital now, but I'll leave my credit card with you"  
"Have fun!" Meredith smiled and rolled over again.  
"There's breakfast in the kitchen" Derek smiled softly "I made waffles"  
"you are worth being kept around" Meredith smiled "I'll take the kids to see their daddy later"  
"I'll be the good looking guy in the OR with the ferry boat scrub cap" Derek kissed her forehead and left.

Alex could not believe what she told him "So you just bought a ticket for a seven hour flight?" Alex laughed when Meredith called him. He had expected her to be in an OR, but she called him at 8.00 am Seattle time.  
"I know, I really sound crazy" Meredith giggled.  
"How was the sex?" Alex smirked.  
"We... I was sick all night... no tequila, just Lexie's bad cooking. Maybe she wanted to poison me because she hates me"  
"Is she as bad of a cook as you are?" Alex wondered "I quite liked the stuff she made when it was all of us"  
"No, if I did this, I would have ended up in the ER" Meredith laughed.  
"True" Alex chuckled, but he noticed a sobbing on the other end of the line. "You are crying!" he said as he sat down on the sofa in the attending lounge.  
"I'm not" Meredith looked up at her phone. "Lexie hates me"  
"Those are tears. What happened?" he wondered.  
"She was cold –almost like my mother" Meredith burst out into tears "He doesn't know what..."  
"Listen to me! You will be fine, both of you." he consoled her "What I'm concerned about is you. What's the matter?"  
"We fought. She was mad at me for leaving and then she almost poisoned me –and I got mad – and I yelled... I waited... he told me to wait and I did... and he was late...and I bought a ticket for a six hour flight… I don't know what's the matter with me. Why do I act so irrational around him?" Meredith cried.  
"Because you slept with him even though I told you it would mess with your head. Pee on a stick! Your boobs looked enormous." Alex told her "I'm around pregnant women a lot"  
"Pregnant? I can't be pregnant!" Meredith looked at her phone.  
"Did you use protection?"

* * *

"Do you have a minute?" Meredith stormed into the exam room the second Addison's patient had left.  
"Sure" Addison nodded.  
Meredith sat down and looked at Addison.  
"I… I'm surprised to see you" Addison started "Mark never mentioned that Lexie invited you to their wedding"  
"I'm not invited" Meredith sighed "but I will be there… and right now I need you to do me a favour. Examine me." Addison nodded and got up.

"Looks like you are about eight weeks in." she smiled.  
"I am" Meredith nodded and looked at the screen.  
"You are" Addison nodded "Who's the father? I don't want to be indiscrete, but…"  
Meredith interrupted her right away "It's Derek's…we…."  
"I…" Addison was stuck for words.  
"You thought we were divorced" Meredith nodded "and we are…"  
"You didn't want me to punch your face" Addison smiled. "It's your second pregnancy"  
"Third" Meredith sighed "I had a miscarriage during the shooting"  
Suddenly the door opened and Amy walked in without really noticing it was Meredith on the chair. "I was told that my ex sister in law was" suddenly she saw Meredith and stuttered "checking out my other ex sister's in law vagina… What's going on?"  
"Amy" Meredith starred at her, but Amy was looking at the screen.  
"I'll be an aunt"  
"You knew about her and Derek?" Addison looked at her in surprise.  
"Mom wouldn't shut up about them" Amy giggled.  
"I'd be great if you could go somewhere where you don't see my vagina." Meredith looked at Amy.  
"Yeah" Amy nodded and left the room. "I want a copy, Addy"  
"I'll write you a prescription for pre natal vitamins" Addison smiled "Unless you want to talk about options"  
"I… I don't… I'm happy" Meredith tried to convince herself.  
"You don't look happy" Addison smiled.  
"It's scary… I know how quickly this happiness is lost" Meredith smiled "Derek and I…"  
"He'll be happy" Addison smiled "He wanted a bunch of kids, teach them soccer, watch them in ballet. It's what he always wanted. Congratulations"

* * *

"I bought a dress" Meredith sat down next to Lexie in the OR gallery. She knew that this would be an awkward conversation.  
"You shouldn't have left" Lexie said and got up.  
"I felt it was like I never existed. You didn't hear about me until a few weeks before your mother died-you were fine before you met me." Meredith smiled.  
"I hate you." Lexie told you "You could have called me. You abandoned me"  
"I'm someone you didn't ever want to know, but I love you – whether you are capable of letting me or not." Meredith smiled. It was something Lexie had told her –once upon a time in a different life. Lexie smiled –she recognized the sentences "Has Mark mentioned that I have another sister?"  
"He hasn't." Lexie said and they both watched Derek's surgery "I missed you. I didn't want to miss you because you just left, but I did because you were a great sister."  
"I want to show you something" Meredith smiled "I haven't told anyone yet – even though Alex knows and Addison knows and oh… Amy knows"  
"You are pregnant." Lexie looked at the ultrasound "That's amazing… we're both… it's Derek's right?"  
"Shh…" Meredith tried to calm her sister down. "It is" she whispered "I'm glad our kids are going to grow up knowing each other"  
"It's amazing, isn't it?" Lexie smiled "It's like we are in this completely alternate universe where all of us are happy. I want you to be there"  
"I'm invited?"  
"You are my sister. You are in the wedding" Lexie smiled. "I missed you –and you'll be an amazing maid of honour. Laura can't make it. Their flight was cancelled"

* * *

 _Every part of a trauma tells a different piece of the story and until you look at each and every injury, you can't see what went wrong. We talk about the mechanism of injury, about where it all started, but the truth is, it's sort of a myth. We can't boil every injury down to one single blow. What hurts us is cumulative. It happens over time. We absorb blow after blow, shock after shock, painful hit after hit. But even then, even if we know exactly how we got here, it doesn't mean we can fix it._

* * *

The rehearsal dinner was almost over when Meredith and Thatcher got a minute for themselves. Meredith had looked at him when he had walked Lexie down the aisle. "I get it now and I forgive you, you haven't been a great dad for me. But you have been one for her –she loves you and that means you are not a bad person" Meredith sighed "To second chances."  
"To second chances." Thatcher nodded. "Lexie said you have a kid."  
"Two" Meredith smiled. Three if she counted the sweet secret inside her belly.  
"Can I meet your kids?" Thatcher wondered. "Maybe I can be a better grandfather"  
"Do you want to?"she wondered.  
"Sure." Thatcher smiled.  
"Well, I'm living in Baltimore now. So the logistics are not going to be too easy in the future, but we have this weekend – that's something, isn't it?" Meredith smiled "You looked really proud up there"  
"It's amazing, the feeling when you see your little girl so happy" Thatcher stated "You'll know it one day –and I wish I would feel about you that way."  
"Second chances" Meredith nodded.

"You talked to your dad" Derek looked at Meredith while they were on the way to their rental car after the rehearsal dinner.  
"Why?" Derek wondered. He had not seen the house ever since he had sold it.  
"I want to see the happily ever after I could have had. I need it to move on" Meredith admitted  
"It looks amazing. It's everything you could have ever wanted... and it broke my heart to sell it, to let you go" Derek was a little bit tipsy "I never wanted to let you go"  
"You could have kept it" Meredith said while getting on the driver seat."  
"I built it for you. I couldn't have lived in a place that..." Derek swallowed "I saw you everywhere. I needed to sleep in a room where I never heard your giggle"  
"I like your new house" Meredith smiled.  
"It's almost like the brownstone in New York –and it's a rental" Derek sighed.

* * *

After a thirty minute drive Meredith stopped the car. They had arrived at the place where another family was living their idea of a happily ever after. "It looks beautiful" Meredith stated and took Derek's hand. "This whole life we could have had... it looks like a good life"  
"Marry me, Meredith." Derek told her "I'm..."  
"drunk?" Meredith giggled, but noticed that Derek tried to get out of his seat. "Yeah, what are you doing? You cannot trespass"

They walked to the place where his trailer used to stand. When Meredith caught up Derek and she just looked at the moon and neither one said anything for a while. The house looked beautiful from afar. There was a swing in the garden, a few toys on the lawn, two cars parked in the front.  
"What am I to you?" Derek wondered.  
"I asked you that question before" Meredith looked up at him "Same place, different time"  
"We had a big fight that night" Derek nodded.  
"You were sitting on that deck" Meredith added.  
"-and we had really great sex afterwards" Derek looked at his shoes. "So, put me out of my misery. What am I to you?"  
"You were like coming up for fresh air." Meredith took his hand "You are the father of my girls... my boss... a really really good..."  
"friend?" Derek interrupted her "I'm not. Meredith, I'm in love with you... and I don't know if I can keep doing this"  
"I sort of told Addison about us" Meredith admitted. "Addison knows –and Amy was looking for you."  
"Stop talking, we haven't done this in way too long" Derek took her hand and kissed it "Pretending to be friends is way too hard. I want to kiss you in public and confess my love to you every single second of the day"  
"You are McDreamying me" Meredith smiled.  
"and you enjoy it" he smirked.  
"I do, I'm glad I came here, but we really have to go. There's a wedding tomorrow –and the best man shouldn't be late"

* * *

Instead of driving home, Meredith and Derek took a detour and watched the sun rise above the harbour, they had breakfast and Derek excused himself when he dropped off Meredith. Two hours later she found him at Joe's. "What are you doing? We have to go" Meredith smiled when she picked Derek up at the bar.  
"Reminicing" Derek smiled and looked at Meredith who was wearing a beige dress.  
"I waited for you for hours, I sat there the entire night and you still choose her" Meredith brought up some not so pleasant memories.  
"I know but this is where I saw you for the first time" Derek reminded her.  
"You were right though" Meredith smiled.  
"Hm?" Derek looked up at her.  
"If I know you I'll love you" she giggled "There's something I need to tell you"  
"Can this wait until after the ceremony? Because we really have to get going" Derek looked at his watch "You look beautiful by the way"  
"I'm late" Meredith sighed.  
"Oh, no, you are right on time" Derek tried to get her going "arguably, well we are a little late, but you've been here and I was late."  
"I'm not talking about ceremony... and I'm sorry I yelled last morning" Meredith sighed "I'm late. I never realized it, but I'm late... and I know that this is terrible timing, but I was obviously too late telling you last time, and I haven't even peed on a stick this time..."  
"Are you trying to tell me that you are pregnant?" "That's..." he kissed her.  
"horrible timing" Meredith mumbled "bad, a disaster."  
"I was going to say wonderful" Derek kissed her again.  
"This is going to be complicated and... he have only just started to figure things out"  
"I love you Meredith and I'm not going to go anywhere" he was ecstatic "I love you and I love our little family and we can do this."  
"But you told your mother it wasn't the right time" Meredith had overheard their conversation.  
"She wanted me to give you this." Derek pulled out a box out of his jacket.  
"It's her ring" Meredith recognized the box "were you..?"  
"No, I knew you wouldn't be ready." He put it back into his pocket. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Meredith and it doesn't matter whether we are married or not – as long as you are right here by my side"

In the car Meredith couldn't stop thinking about what Derek had said. "It's crazy, isn't it?" Meredith wondered.  
"What?" Derek looked at her.  
"Getting married for the second time" she smiled "I mean, it hasn't exactly worked out the first time, why would it be any different the second time –and we aren't actually dating"  
"Last time You were this young thing the last time" he looked at her.  
"and now I'm old?" Mer giggled.  
"well, you are older and more mature and -you know what you want"  
"and you think I want you" Meredith rolled her eyes.  
"I want you" Derek took her hand. "I want you to be the last person I say I love you to. I thought my job was everything, but you are… you are everything"  
"We've done this before, Derek."  
"It's nothing like the first time… because this time it's forever" he smiled "You... you're everything. I love you and I'm not going to stop loving you. I can't live without you. I don't want to live without you, and I'm going to do everything in my power to prove it."  
"I can live without you, but I don't want to. I don't ever want to." Meredith smiled.  
"We're going to have another baby" he smiled.

* * *

 _We can't heal every wound and that's okay. I have to believe it's okay. I have to believe that even if something seems like it cannot be fixed, it doesn't mean it's broken._

* * *

"It was a beautiful ceremony" Meredith whispered as they watched the wedding guests leave the venue."He's still here"  
"Who?" Derek wondered.  
"The guy who did Lexie's and Mark's ceremony" she smiled "I don't know if it's the whole ceremony talking or pregnancy hormones, but...We could ask him to marry us. The kids are here, you are here, I'm here. I'm sure they won't even notice if we're 15 minutes late"  
"We don't have a marriage licence or our divorce papers or..." Derek stated.  
"When did you turn into such a realist?" Meredith giggled and took his hand.  
"When did you turn into such a romantic?" Derek laughed. Meredith kissed his hand.  
"So you want a big wedding this time?" she wondered "It's fine. We can have it"  
"No, I want to spend the rest of my life with you" he kissed her softly –and he felt like he had never kissed another woman before.  
"So, let's do this" She took his hand and walked to the minister.  
"Sir, do you have a minute?" Derek wondered.

 _"_ _What do we want to promise each other?"  
"That you'll love me even when you hate me."  
"To love each other even when we hate each other."  
"No running, ever. Nobody walks out. No matter what happens."  
" No running. - What else?"  
"That we'll take care of each other even when we're old and smelly and senile. lf l get Alzheimer's and forget you"  
"l will remind you who l am every day. To take care when old, senile, smelly. This is forever."_

They faced each other. "I don't want another morning not waking up next to you" he told her as he slipped his mother's ringer onto his fingers.  
"Neither do I." Meredith whispered.  
"Married" he kissed her.  
"Married"


	22. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

 _"_ _When are we going to tell people?" Derek wondered when he woke up next to Meredith the next morning.  
"Never" Meredith giggled as they rolled over in bed. "People might notice the ring though"  
"You want to wear the ring" Derek wondered. It looked pretty on her petite hand.  
"I want to do things differently this time and I didn't wear it last time."  
"It's been quiet" Derek noted "Where are the kids?"  
"Your sister promised to take them out for breakfast" Meredith smiled "You have me to yourself"  
"Almost" Derek smiled and looked at her belly. _

_"_ _It's like we travelled back in time" Meredith said "Like it's a dream"  
"It isn't. I'm right here and I'm not going to leave" Derek smiled.  
"You have surgery in two hours" Meredith reminded him. "And I have to take a flight back to Baltimore because I have a surgery tomorrow"  
"You could ask your boss if it's okay to push it" Derek kissed her.  
"We have to go back to reality" Meredith sighed "This is nice, amazing, but… I need to pack boxes and figure out how to move my stuff to your house"  
"I love you, Meredith" Derek whispered. _

"And I love you Derek" Meredith whispered in her sleep. She was woken up by the cry of a baby. It had been nine month since the day they had gotten married for the second time and a lot of things had changed. Derek's contract had expired and they had decided to move back to Seattle. Derek carried their son into the room "He's hungry and my nipples are no use to him" he sat down next to her and smiled.

"He's perfect. He's just perfect" Meredith smiled.  
"He is" Derek nodded "All our kids are, you are… I… I can't believe I almost gave up on you".  
"We have a lifetime" Meredith smiled.  
"I would like 48 uninterrupted hours with you though. Vermont. 48 hours were I'm not anyone's doctor or dad" Derek smirked.

"I can't believe we are back in Seattle for good" Meredith came into the living room.  
"and I can't believe my sister used a sledgehammer to get rid of that wall" Derek laughed. "It really opened up the space"  
"At least she didn't wake up the kids" Meredith smiled and looked at the plane tickets.  
"I have some loose ends in Baltimore so I'll be flying back and forth for a few weeks, tie them, hand them off, then I'll be here for good –you knew this was going to happen." Derek took her hand "It has to be done, I'll be back soon, you know that"  
"I just wish, I don't know, you could stay or I could come with you or something" Meredith smiled. They had moved to Seattle less than six weeks ago and she'd start working at Seattle Grace Mercy West in two months, but she wanted to be with Derek as much as she possibly could.  
"You need to stay with the kids. I'll be home before you know it" he kissed her forehead.  
"Yeah, I'll just have to stay here" Meredith nodded.

"So you really think this is a good idea?" Meredith looked at her sister in law.  
"We are from this big noisy family. He always liked it if the house was filled with a bunch of people and laughter" Amelia said "Let's make that the very first memory he has of this house when he comes back"  
"Any words from your sisters?" Meredith wondered.  
"Sort of. They caught an earlier flight, they'll be here in twenty minutes." Amelia sighed "and this will be a lot… I mean you meet us before, but not on a highly concentrated level. We are a lot"  
"I'll text Lexie and Maggie" Meredith tried to grab her phone, but Amelia interrupted her.  
"I see you are freaking out. You don't need to freak out here. I'm the black sheep of the family"  
"In what kind of family does the black sheep end up being a neurosurgeon?" Meredith teased her.  
"Anyway, they are going to like you a whole lot more than me because you just gave birth to a carbon copy of our favorite brother." Amelia tried to calm Meredith down. "Well, a blonde carbon copy, but he has his eyes and the Shepherd nose."

 _You can build a house out of anything, make it as strong as you want, but a home, a home is more fragile than that. A home is made of the people you fill it with and people can be broken, sure, but any surgeon knows what's broken can be mended, what's hurt can be healed, that no matter how dark it gets, the sun's gonna rise again._

When Derek arrived at the house he noticed the noise and was taken back to the day he had caught Meredith with a bottle of tequila in the front yard. He looked through the window and saw Meredith dancing with Lexie, Amelia and Maggie. His sister Kathleen was holding their baby boy – and Nancy's kids were jumping up and down on their couch. He came through the door and was greeted by a few of his nephews and nieces before any adult noticed his arrival. He was at home.  
When he had a chance to get a hold of Meredith, he dragged her into the bath room "This feels like the party you threw during your intern year- you know the one I wasn't invited to" he kissed her "I missed you"  
"You like it? It was… Amy's idea" Meredith kissed him "I missed you"  
"I missed you" Derek said "But let's go outside and dance it out"  
"You started to dance in public?" Meredith smiled.  
"This isn't public, this is our living room" Derek dragged her into the hall way."Don't you like to dance it out?"  
"Only if something bad happens" Meredith clarified.  
"Well, that's got to change- because you won't have any opportunity to dance it out in the future if we stick to that."

* * *

 _The End..._

* * *

 _Thanks for reading, thanks for favoriting or reviewing. I'm thankful for everyone who dedicated a little bit of their time to reading my story. I feel like this should be it- the natural ending point. Happy -back in Seattle - surrounded by the people they love._

 _I hope you enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. As for now I'm going to take a break from writing because the construction of our house has started and between picking the perfect floors and tiles and furniture (and a full time job) I feel like I couldn't dedicate as much time to writing as I'd have to. Love Anna_


End file.
